I smack him in the chest, but I’m thankful that he’s able to joke around right now.
He chuckles. “My mom was already doing a lot of the heavy lifting in the family, so when she died, instead of stepping up, my dad drank himself stupid. Left me in charge of my thirteen-year-old brother when I was still a kid myself. I didn’t even have a driver’s license yet.”
Jesus.
“Eventually, he checked himself into rehab and cleaned himself up, but he never came back. Last I heard, he was settled in a town only two hours from where we grew up and he had gotten remarried.”
“Is it okay if I hate him for you too?”
“One of us probably should.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve forgiven him? I’m far too petty for your level of maturity.”
“I think I’m at the point where I feel nothing towards him. Is that good enough for you?”
Kai’s face is soft, no angry lines etched into his features. How annoyingly reasonable of him.
“Is Isaiah upset with him at least?”
“For me, I think. Now that he’s older, he’ll make comments about how he feels bad that I picked a college close to our hometown so I could help him get through the rest of high school. Stuff like that. But I probably would’ve done it regardless. The guy is my best friend.”
“That’s cute.”
He pins me with a look. “Don’t call me cute.”
Between us, I find his free hand and hook my thumb around his, palm to palm before I rest my head against the back of his hand. “Thanks for telling me that.”
He traces my face with his gaze, soft wistfulness washing over him. “Thanks for listening. I’ve never really had someone to tell that to.”
“You should keep talking. You have a sexy voice, even when you’re talking about your childhood trauma.”
He simply shakes his head at me, smiles, and keeps talking. “I’m not angry, and I don’t miss him, but I do miss how our family used to be. Everything was so different before my mom died, that the hardest part has been knowing what a good family unit looked like and no longer having it. I’m just trying to give Max a bit of what I lost.”
And that’s when it clicks. Kai is older now. He doesn’t want to make up for the partying he’s missing out on or even the freedom. He doesn’t need to reminisce on his old life. He simply wants the family he once had. He wants to be enough for Max in hopes that he might not feel the gaps Kai has convinced himself exist.
“You’re a good one, Kai. You know that?”
He sighs, exhaling an uncomfortable laugh. “Don’t give me too much credit now.”
“I’m serious.” Which I very rarely am.
The room is dark, but my eyes have adjusted to the lack of light so that I can make out the blue in his perfectly clearly without his glasses as a barrier.
He’s beautiful. Really, truly so handsome.
Turning on his side, he fully faces me, and once again his foot brushes mine, but this time he doesn’t pull away. Instead, he covers my feet with his, tangling them between the sheets.
“The only time I’ve thought about reaching out to my dad was when I found out about Max. For a split second I thought I should tell him he was a grandfather.”
“But you didn’t?”
“Nah. Didn’t need to. Monty kind of earned that title right away. Even though Max doesn’t call him that, it would’ve been weird to give it to someone else.”
Oh, my heart.
“Yeah,” I exhale. “My dad has a knack for earning his titles when they aren’t automatically his to begin with.”
“He’s a good man.”
“The best of the best.”
“Snores like a motherfucker though.”
I bark a laugh.
The vibe in the air changes again when Kai lifts a finger to delicately tuck my hair behind my ear. “I want Max to think of me the way you think of him.”
I melt into his touch. “He does. You’re doing such a good job with him. I know you don’t believe that all the time, but you are. And I would know. I’ve got the best dad out there.”
“I’m worried I’m messing him up by having him travel with the team. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I try to pretend I do, but I wish I had the answers on how to do this parenting thing right.”
“I’d assume every parent feels that way in some capacity. You’ve surrounded Max with so much love. The team adores him. My dad adores him. That’s all you could ask for.”
He looks like he wants to kiss me again and God, do I want him to. But then I watch Kai swallow, pull his hands away from mine and flip onto his back once again, tucking them underneath his head.
I mirror his position but with my hands folded in my lap.
“Have you been able to get any of your work done?” he asks.
Wow, quite the subject change. I’ve been blissfully detached from that part of my life for the past two weeks.
“Nothing in the kitchen, but I’ve been plotting some things for when we get home and I can experiment in the van.”
“In the van? You have a kitchen in there?”
“A little one, yes. It gets the job done.”
A beat passes between us. “I looked you up online last week.”
My head whips in his direction, a teasing smile on my lips. “Just last week? I figured you would’ve done that the second I walked out of my dad’s hotel room on that first day.”
“Your food is beautiful, Miller. It’s artwork.”
He holds no humor in his tone, not allowing me to laugh my way out of an uncomfortable compliment.
Pulling my attention away once again, I find the ceiling. “It used to be.”
“What’s different now?”
“I have no idea. Suddenly, one day I couldn’t do the most basic things in the kitchen. Things I’ve been doing since I was a kid. Nothing new has worked.”
“Do you think it has anything to do with the James Beard Award you won?”
A smile lifts on one side of my lips as I look at him again. “Kai Rhodes, how much stalking did you do exactly?”
“Just enough to figure out you’re a big fucking deal.”
I shake my head, but he only continues.
“You are. The entire world agrees with me, so you can try to downplay it all you want, but I’m right. Have you always wanted to be this big-shot pastry chef?”
“No,” I tell him honestly. “But I’ve always found myself striving for the next achievement. To be the best at whatever it is I take on. Whether that be in softball when I was younger, or now in my career. I’ve always chased the checkmarks.”
“Why?”
I exhale a laugh. “God if I know. That’s what we as a society have been conditioned to do, right? Keep striving for the next best thing instead of finding gratitude and peace where we are.”
“Well, now that you’ve taken a break, do you feel any of that at all?”
“Gratitude and peace?” I turn to look at him. “I think I could find a lot of gratitude and peace while in bed with you, Kai Rhodes.”
He bursts a laugh. “You have no fucking filter.”
I smile at him, feeling an overwhelming comfortability to tell him everything. Much in the way he’s never had someone to talk to, neither have I.