Born to Be Badger (Honey Badger Chronicles #5)

“You’ll need to read more than one book to do that,” Charlie told him.

Shay couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Why are dogs so much more complicated than cats?”

“Because people let their house cats stay wild. They don’t know where they are half the time. I see them roaming around neighborhoods. No leash. No person attached to them. Shitting wherever they want. But they belong to somebody because they usually have a collar on, sometimes with a little camera attached. If I did that with any of my dogs, I’d get tickets from the city.”

“Because dogs are disgusting,” Keane cut in, swimming up to Shay’s side and resting his arms on the rim of the pool. “They shed. They drool. They stare at you with their dumb dog faces. I don’t know how any of you put up with it.”

“While you cats have such a wonderful temperament.”

“I don’t have to have a wonderful temperament,” Keane replied. “I’m an Amur tiger. My kind roamed the Mongolian flats before Ghenghis Khan was even born. In my cat form I’m more than eight hundred pounds and nearly ten feet long. You’re all just lucky I have deigned not to eat you.

“What?” Keane pushed when everyone simply stared at him. “Speaking of which . . . where are your dogs?”

“Over at Berg’s house. Hiding from you. The mean cat that wants to eat us all.”

“I don’t want to eat any of you. Quite honestly, you look a little gamey. I’m just saying I could. Luckily for you . . . I’m benevolent.”

“Yes, yes. So very benevolent. Like a loving king.” That voice came from a long set of legs strutting by the Malone brothers. While the other honey badgers had on shorts and T-shirts or tank tops, Nelle Zhao had on an extremely tiny bikini with straps that crisscrossed around her muscular midsection, and heels that seemed to make her legs go on forever.

Shay watched those legs strut by until he saw Tock and Mads get into a tug of war with the ball they’d been using during their game. Neither would give the stupid thing up. They eventually landed on the ground, kicking and growling while trying to pry the ball from each other.

“Can you believe this shit?” he asked, glancing over at Keane. His brother didn’t answer, though. He was still gawking at Nelle.

“Forget it,” Shay bluntly told Keane. “You haven’t got a shot in hell.”

Blinking, Keane looked at him. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“I’m just sitting here. Minding my own business.”

“And her ass.”

“She does have an amazing ass,” Charlie interjected. She now hugged the puppy that had been on her head against her chest, both hands wrapped around its small body. A look of pure bliss on her face. “And she’ll crush you without even working up a sweat.”

“Exactly.” Shay focused again on Tock and Mads. By now, Streep had pushed the two crazed females apart and was holding the ball.

“This is ridiculous!” she yelled at them. “Both of you acting like this.”

The pair got to their feet and stared at their teammate in confusion.

“What are you talking about?” Mads asked.

“Why don’t you two just admit how much you love each other?” Streep demanded.

“What?” Tock asked, laughing a little.

“You guys are best friends but you never say it. You never admit it. If you did, you’d understand that all of this”—she swung her arms wide—“is just an attempt to hide the fact that the two of you are simply worried about each other. That you just want to protect each other. Like all good friends do.”

It was quick. The look that passed between Tock and Mads, but Shay caught it. He just wasn’t sure Streep did.

“That’s stupid,” Mads bluntly told the little actress, taking the basketball from her. “You’re stupid.”

“I’m just saying—”

“We’re teammates,” Tock told her. “That’s all. I could not care less if Mads gets hit by a bus.”

“Or a train,” Mads added with a knowing nod.

“Exactly.”

Streep started to rant but immediately stopped, clasping her hands together and lacing her fingers as if she was praying. She held her clasped hands close to her face, closed her eyes, and took in a deep breath. When she released it, she said, “We all know you two are very close friends. Just admit it. Just say the words.”

Tock and Mads exchanged a more obvious glance before replying in unison, “No.”

Streep slapped the ball from Mads’s hands—nearly hitting a ducking Charlie in the process—grabbed each woman by the throat and dragged them close, choking them while screeching, “Just say it! Say it!”

“Okay.” Max, who had been standing by a nearby tree, bickering with a neighbor bear about some recently raided bee hives—she had nothing to do with the raid so why did everyone keep accusing her?—quickly rushed over to rescue her two teammates. Preferably before a hysterical Streep choked them to death. “Let’s all just calm down.” She pulled hands from throats and pushed a gasping, coughing Tock and Mads away before wrapping her arms around Streep and pulling her close.

“It’s okay,” she told a now-sobbing Streep. “It’s okay.” Max pulled the badger as close as possible and rubbed her back.

“Why are they so fucking awful, Max? Whyyyyyy?”

“Because they’re horrible, horrible people. But you already knew that.”

“I did. I did know they were horrible people.”

“Exactly.” Max held Streep by the shoulders and took a step back so she could look the overemotional female in the eyes. “Now, let’s go help set up the tables. We’ll be dining al fresco today. Won’t that be lovely?”

“It will. It will be lovely!” She glared at Tock and Mads. “And you two are horrible. Horrible! Stop laughing at me!”

*

It was a little bit of Italy in the middle of Queens, New York. Charlie’s sauce was amazing, the pasta perfectly prepared, the garlic bread and salad perfect accompaniments. She even had the perfect wine for the few who wanted it.

What started as a quick early lunch in the middle of the day to make sure Tock wouldn’t pass out had turned into an early evening feast while the sun slowly lowered. Charlie’s dogs finally came out to play in the yard, Mads’s illegally harbored coyote came over to steal a loaf of the garlic bread, Stevie’s kitten hung from a tree limb, and all those predators feeding nearby managed not to scare any of the domesticated pets.

It was heaven. And Tock didn’t believe in heaven.

Shelly Laurenston's books