Outside, I can hear car doors opening and closing.
Memnon releases my hands before cupping my face. “Est amage, I know this feels like the end, but I swear to you, this is the beginning. Whatever is between us, we will lift this curse and discover it together. And we will fix it. I am still yours—forever.”
I work my jaw. There is nothing left to fix. This will be a marriage and a bond in name only.
Memnon must see or feel my intentions because his expression grows somber.
He takes my hands in his, our bloody hands pressing together once more.
“Repeat after me.” He switches languages then, his voice becoming more rolling and guttural. “The curse I placed, I now shall lift. I withdraw my will. I end my spell. I bring into balance that which I set askew.”
I echo his words, my head pounding harder and harder with each sentence.
“Reveal the memories that this curse sought to hide. For now and forever.”
I take a fortifying breath, then repeat this too. My magic churns restlessly beneath my skin, the growing pressure of it making me fidget.
Memnon and I repeat the lines once more, this time together.
“For now and forever.”
My magic explodes behind my eyes, and then—
It begins.
CHAPTER 46
It starts with the most recent memories, this evening and then the rest of the day filling out in such detail, I nearly gasp.
It’s…it’s actually working.
There was a part of me that didn’t think it would.
The previous week comes back in all its fullness, then the week before that—and the one before that. Faster and faster, the memories return, though there’s no time to examine each one.
I see the span of my time here at Henbane Coven, and then I see my time before that.
I see myself opening Memnon’s tomb—then awakening my trapped mate. And before that, finding Nero and the harrowing plane crash I survived.
My lips have parted, and though I know Memnon is staring intently at me in the present, I’m locked in my past, my unearthed memories demanding nearly all my attention.
The past year comes back to me, and my breath comes out in shaky gasps. There was so much yearning and frustration and self-doubt as I worked to get into Henbane Coven. But there was so much self-discovery over that time too—I was able to live alone and function well in San Francisco. I had my own job and paid my own rent.
Little bits of knowledge come back to me, things I was never sure of before—like the fact I enjoy working out, despite all the bitching and moaning I do about it. And I’m a truly awful cook—my mind has unearthed so many disastrous attempts. I have been intimate with four men—Memnon included—and I’ve been on far more dates than I imagined. I’ve reread my favorite books half a dozen times each, and I really did get to relive the joy of them over and over.
My years at Peel Academy, the supernatural boarding school I attended, come back, then the memories I had of life before my power Awoke. Not even these memories were safe from the ravages of my magic.
As a child and a young teenager, I was happy, chaotic, wild. I played outside most of the day, alongside my powerful parents, who—with the help of a little magic—grew our backyard into a wild wonderland. When I wasn’t digging my hands and toes into the earth, I was painting or drawing. More shocking still, I was messy, disorganized. My room was absolute chaos, and my mom would have me recite a cleaning spell alongside her.
I remember my great-aunt Giselle, who smelled like baby powder and way too much perfume and had an opinion about literally everything, and how she passed away from cancer. My father cried for weeks after, and I thought maybe he’d never smile again, until he finally did.
Further and further back, my mind goes.
My dad taught me how to ride a bike, his meadow-green magic billowing around the wheels when I started to lose my balance. I baked and ate ginger cookies with my mom, the two of us making faces at the sharp sugary flavor.
Young, I was so young. Mom read me fairy tales, and they made me upset. Princesses don’t wear dresses—they wear trousers and shoot arrows from the backs of horses. I would know this because I’m a queen. But where’s my king? He should be here. He’s always here. Something’s wrong.
My memories grow indistinct and distorted.
I can see a tire swing. Bushes with strawberries on them, but someone said not to eat them. They looked really good, and I wanted to.
I got old words and new words confused. It was hard. My parents didn’t understand. I didn’t really either.
Long hallways. An old heavy book that seemed to make the air glitter around it. A checkered blanket, a fuzzy kitty.
I was rocked. Held. Warm arms…
The memories close, and Memnon comes into focus. His hands are no longer holding mine; instead they cup my face. When did that happen? I feel the press of his magic and mine.
The throbbing in my head has worsened.
“I remember,” I whisper.
He gives his head a shake. “No, you don’t,” he whispers. “Not everything. Not yet.”
His bloody hand presses against my cheek. And somewhere down below, the Politia hammers on the front door.
“Ready yourself, est amage—it’s coming.”
“What is—?” I choke on the last of my words.
My back arches, and my mouth parts as I stare up at the ceiling. I wrap my hands around Memnon’s wrists as my mind seems to crack, and a spell held for two thousand years dissolves.
In its wake, there is a single instant of peace. Then memories from another time, another place spill in.
It starts with fire, and blood, and screaming. These memories may be older, but they are far more terrifying than anything I have experienced.
I’m squeezing Memnon’s wrists, and I feel tears tracking down my cheeks.
He was right the whole time. I am Roxilana. She is me.
And it’s very clear that in my mind, the only true hero in this first life, the only person who loved me and fought for me, defended me and adored me, was Memnon.
Fearsome, powerful Memnon who really did kill entire armies. He loved me more than life itself, and I loved him just as fiercely.
Here in the present, his thumbs stroke my cheeks, and he murmurs reassurances. “It is all right, my love. It is all right. You are here, with me.”
But, somewhere along the way, things changed.
My life twisted and twisted, and the walls closed in on me just as the walls have closed in on me now.
And I did the unthinkable.
I betrayed my soul mate.
I shudder at the truth of it. The memories abruptly end. I gasp as the magic cuts off.
I’m vaguely aware of the Politia officers storming the stairs, their heavy footsteps thundering as they close in on my room, but I hardly care.
I can still feel the wetness of my tears and Memnon’s blood on my cheeks.
Memnon’s eyes are gentle and unguarded as he peers at me.
“Roxi?” he says softly.