Her desires consume me as they evolve, leaving me slightly intoxicated. It’s always a heady cocktail, experiencing her like this, feeling her emotions in real time. The harder I kiss her the more she wants, the more desperate her needs become. It’s dangerous; it makes it hard to think straight, to remember where we are.
She makes a sound when I kiss her neck, a soft moan followed by the whisper of my name, and the combination incites a riot in my body. My hands are under her sweater now, grazing the satin of her skin, the clasp of her bra, and she’s reaching for me, for the button of my pants, and I can hear, but choose to ignore, the distant voice in my head telling me that there has to be a better place for this— somewhere warmer, somewhere softer, somewhere that isn’t a graveyard—
The dog barks loudly, and Ella breaks away from me with a startled cry.
“Oh my God,” she says, clutching a hand to her chest. “I didn’t— Oh my God. Has the dog been here this whole time?”
I struggle to catch my breath. My heart is pounding in my chest. “Yes,” I say, still staring at her.
I pull her back into my arms, claiming her mouth with a single-minded focus that renders the moment surreal, even for me. She’s surprised for only a second before she goes soft in my arms, breaking open, kissing me back. I haven’t touched her like this in so long—we haven’t been together like this in so long—
Something registers in the back of my mind.
I break away, struggling once more to breathe, hoping the muted warning bell in my head was a mistake.
“What’s wrong?” Ella says, her hands going to my face. She’s still languid with pleasure, her thoughts undiluted by the noise that plagues me always. She kisses my throat, soft and slow. My eyes close.
“Nothing,” I whisper, wishing more than ever that we had a bedroom—or even a proper bed. “Nothing. I just thought I heard—”
“Oh my God. This is where you guys have been hiding?”
I go suddenly solid, ice chasing away the heat in my veins so fast I almost shudder.
“Crap,” Ella whispers.
“You two have no shame, huh? You were just going to desecrate a graveyard? Can’t even keep your clothes on in this freezing weather?”
“Kenji,” Ella says quietly. The word is a warning.
“What?” He crosses his arms. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: gross. I think I need to go bleach my eyes.”
I help Ella to her feet, drawing an arm around her waist. “What do you want?” I say to Kenji, entirely unable to rein in my anger.
“Nothing from you, buddy, thanks. I’m here because I need Juliette.”
“Why?” Ella and I ask at the same time.
Kenji blows out a breath, looking away once before looking back at Ella. Cryptically, he says, “I just need you to come with me, okay?”
“Oh.” Her eyes widen a fraction. “Okay.”
“What’s wrong?” I ask. “Do you need help?”
Ella shakes her head. I feel her apprehension, but she pastes on a smile. “No, it’s nothing—just boring stuff out on unregulated turf. We actually managed to track down one of the pre-Reestablishment city planners in this area, and he’s coming by to discuss our ideas.”
“Oh,” I say.
Ella is hiding something.
I can feel it—can feel that she’s not being entirely truthful. The realization provokes a sinking feeling in my gut that scares me.
“You won’t miss me, right?” Her smile is strained. “I know you always have a ton of stuff to do.”
“Yes.” I look away. “There’s always a great deal to accomplish.”
A pause. “So—I’ll see you tonight?”
“Tonight?” I glance at Ella, then the sun.
There are still hours left before nightfall, which means she intends to be gone for all of them. My mind is overrun with doubt. First our wedding, now this. I don’t understand why Ella isn’t being honest with me. I want to say something to her, to ask her a direct question, but not here, not in front of Kenji—
Ella’s emotions take a sudden turn.
I look up to find her staring at me now with concern, with a palpable fear—for me.
“Or I can stay here,” she says more quietly. “I don’t have to go anywhere.”
“Uh, yes, princess, you do—”
“Be quiet, Kenji.”
“We need you out there,” he insists, throwing his arms wide. “You have to be there—we can’t just deci—”
“Aaron,” Ella says, placing a hand on my chest. “Are you going to be okay?”
I stiffen, then step back.
The question inspires in me a reaction I do not admire. I bristle at the sympathy in her voice, at the thought that she might think me incapable of surviving a few hours on my own.
Understanding hits me with the force of a sledgehammer:
Ella thinks I am broken.
“I’ll be fine,” I say, unable to meet her eyes. “I have, as you said, a great deal to do.”
“Oh,” she says carefully. “Okay.”
I can still feel her studying me, and though I don’t know what she sees in my face, my expression appears to have convinced her that I won’t turn to dust in her absence. An approximation of the truth.
A tense silence stretches out between us.
“All right, great,” Ella finally says, all false brightness. “So, I’ll see you tonight? Or sooner— I mean, depending on how quickly I can—”
Kenji makes a sound; something like a choked laugh. “Yeah, if I were you, I’d clear my schedule.”
“Love,” I say quietly. “Are you sure everything is okay?”
“Absolutely,” she says, straining to smile wider. She squeezes my hand, kissing me briefly before pulling away. “I promise. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Ella is still lying. It hits me like a blow.
“Hey, sorry about the wedding, man,” Kenji says, making a face. “Who knew the downside of overthrowing a corrupt government was that we’d have absolutely no free time?”
I swallow, hard, ignoring the fresh vise around my chest. “I see everyone already knows about that.”
“Yeah, I mean, it was J’s idea to postpone. There’s just so much to do, and trying to have the wedding at night was going to be really complicated, and she thought it would be better to jus—”
“Kenji,” she says sharply. She shoots him a look I can’t entirely decipher, but her anger surprises me.
“My bad, princess.” Kenji holds up both hands. “My bad. I didn’t realize it was controversial to let the groom know what was happening with his own wedding, but I guess I just don’t know how weddings work, do I?” He says that last part with an edge, irritation souring his expression.
I have no idea what’s going on between them.
Ella rolls her eyes, more frustrated with Kenji than I’ve ever seen her. She practically stomps toward him, hugging herself against the cold. I hear her mutter, “You’re going to pay for that,” before they’re off, the two of them disappearing into the distance without a backward glance.
Without me.
I stand there for so long after they’re gone that the sun finally moves toward the horizon, taking with it any lingering warmth. I shiver slightly as the temperatures plummet, but I can ignore the cold. I cannot, however, seem to ignore the dull ache in my chest.
When I woke up this morning I’d thought this would be the happiest day of my life. Instead, as the day approaches dusk—
I feel hollow.
The dog barks suddenly, a series of sharp yaps in a row. When I turn to face the creature it makes an altogether different sound, something like a growl, and jumps up enthusiastically, lifting its paws to my pant leg. I give the animal a firm look, indicating with my index finger that it should disengage immediately. It sinks, slowly, back onto its feet, tail wagging.
Another bark.
I sigh at the sight of its eager, upturned face. “I suppose I shouldn’t be ungrateful. You seem to be the only one interested in my company today.”
A bark.
“Very well. You may come with me.”
The dog rises up onto all four legs, panting, tail wagging harder.
“But if you defecate on any interior surface—or chew up my boots, or urinate on my clothes—I will put you right back outside. You will hold your bowel movements until you are a considerable distance away from me. Is that clear?”
Another responding bark.
“Good,” I say, and walk away.