I cleared my throat. “Sor—”
“Don’t,” Bastian gritted out.
“It could be made from one of the old Guardian trees,” Brynan piped up.
Lysander nodded, eyes downcast. “Three of those were ash.”
The meeting went on, discussing a plan of action. Bastian would send operatives to a remote library. Lysander would trawl the libraries of friends outside the city. I would continue working through Dusk’s library. I kept quiet and drank my coffee, not wanting to cause any more problems with my simmering anger. I tried to put a little distance between Bastian and me, but the settee wasn’t very big, and our legs brushed every time one of us moved. No one made any more comments.
When they left, my head swam with possibilities, but I braced myself for Bastian’s reaction to the tongue-lashing I’d given Lysander.
He leant against the door as he closed it. “Are you all right?”
I blinked at him. “You’re…? You’re not pissed off at me?”
“Should I be?” He canted his head.
“I just…” I gestured towards the armchair Lysander had vacated. “What I said.”
The corner of Bastian’s mouth twitched as he stalked closer. “He had it coming. And I have to admit, I enjoyed seeing him on the receiving end of your fire.”
Burn for me, my ember.
He spoke in the same tone now as he had then, and the way he crossed the floor with predatory purpose put me right back in Lunden.
I stood there, breaths a little too fast, tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth at the memory of everything Ella had described last night.
He reached me, eyelids heavy as his gaze raked over my face. “Your anger is a beautiful thing, Katherine. You are allowed to have it, and you’re allowed to show it.”
I gripped my gown’s skirts, though I bent towards him as I’d seen Brynan bend towards Gael. Ella had been right—the tension between us was enough to set the world ablaze.
But I was married. His friends and employees cared about that fact. His queen cared. Maybe he did, too. He might want to fuck my brains out, but if he gave in, he’d only regret it after.
I didn’t want to be anyone’s regret. Certainly not his.
Eyes burning, I arched a brow at him. “Even if I’m raging about my marriage?”
His neck corded as a muscle in his jaw twitched. He exhaled, shoulders sinking, and took a step back. “Especially then,” he muttered.
“Perhaps we could both use some space.” I swallowed down the sickly feeling rising from my stomach. “I appreciate you looking after me, but I’m not in the same place I was after…” I gestured vaguely, searching for the words that would tell him what I meant but wouldn’t put me back there. “When my uncle grabbed me.”
“Maybe you’re right.” Gaze to one side, he nodded. “I’ll go and work in my office for a few hours.”
43
Kat
As soon as he was gone, I hurried out. I didn’t have Rose, but I didn’t care. She couldn’t know about Kaliban—I wouldn’t put her in a difficult position of choosing between me and Bastian.
But I desperately needed my memories gone.
Once I cleared the palace grounds, I breathed a little easier—less chance of Bastian or Rose catching me. The scent of roasted nuts coated in sugar and spices tinged the air, a sign of the coming Solstice festivities.
But my relief was short-lived, as the Hall of Healing’s white marble pillars caught the midday sun.
Throat closing, I scratched my chest, snatched back from the edge of that memory by the streaking pain of my raw skin.
Head bowed, I trotted through the streets, only looking up when I needed to get my bearings. Each time, the sight of the hall put me right back in that white room. I couldn’t remember the pain. But I remembered the horror. The choking poison writhing in my throat. The twitching of my body out of control. The fear it might never end.
My breaths sped as I turned onto Kaliban’s street.
I didn’t stop to buy him food. I would have to owe him.
I needed this memory gone. Now.
My mind played yet more cruel tricks on me, as my sight hazed, everything taking on a purple cast. Was I going to pass out? Then someone would stop and help. They would touch me.
Fuck.
I locked my eyes on Kaliban’s front door and sprinted. The heaving breaths in my lungs. The sweat beading my skin. They were real things. Just hold on to them and don’t pass out.
I hammered on the door again and again and again until it opened.
“All right, all right. Stars above, I’m coming. I’m…” His eyes bulged and he backed away. “Get in.”
Panting, I sank into a chair and fisted my hands in my hair. “Get it out. Get it out of me. Please.”
He coughed. “Control your magic, Katherine. It’s humming around you.”
When I looked up, I found him on the far side of the room, sleeve over his mouth and nose, the air between us tinted purple.
That was real? Not just a memory?
“I—I can’t.” I tried to grab for it, reaching out with my will, hissing at it to come here. Only my skin was meant to be poisonous, not the fucking air around me. “I can’t!”
“The fire,” he choked, opening a window and half hanging out it. “Focus on that. Get yourself under control.”
“I’m sorry.” I clutched my necklace, its hard stone reassuring, even through my gloves. I had the antidote.
With a deep breath, I turned to the fireplace where the cheerful pink flames leapt. Coral pink. Orange. Flecks of yellow, red, and violet-blue. The scent of the lavender and lemon candles he liked to burn. The time-worn surface of the table, smooth in that way fresh varnish just couldn’t replicate.
The purple haze faded.
Kaliban huffed and bustled around, opening the other windows. “Thank the fucking gods that’s over.” He clicked his tongue like I was a naughty child.
Exhaustion swept over me, a wave that threatened to drag me under. “I did technically die for a minute. You’ll forgive me if I’m not entirely under control.”
His eyebrows shot up. “You… died?”
I hung my head, wishing I hadn’t burst out with it so easily.
“No use wishing that. I’ll see it when you let me take the memory, anyway. Come on, then.” He took the seat next to mine and gestured for me to sit up.
I called the memory afresh, gripping the table’s edge as I battled nausea.
Hmm. Kaliban’s voice reached into my mind as he wiped away the start of the appointment. Do you want this part erasing, too?
He pulled a memory to the surface…
My throat is hoarse. My breaths wheeze. But most importantly, when I open my eyes, the burning in my body is gone. Every muscle aches, weak and trembling.
No more pain.
From the far side of the slowly spinning room, Elthea watches me, head cocked, a slight crease between her eyebrows. She’s wearing a mask now. She didn’t have that before.
She approaches and makes a thoughtful sound. “Interesting.”
“Interesting?” It bursts out of me as I fight to control my breathing and the spinning of the room.