“Why? Were you a noisy child?”
“No. Not at all.” Even in the time before Avice had come along, I hadn’t been a noisy child. I’d… behaved.
“So… why?”
Sipping my water delayed having to answer, but still didn’t give me one. “I don’t know. So I wouldn’t disturb others?”
“Do you have things to say that are disturbing?”
“Probably.”
She narrowed her eyes at me, head tilting again. “So you held in the sound of your pain for… my sake? And for the people in the halls outside?”
I shifted, not liking how her questions made me feel foolish or how raw my nerves were in the wake of her test. “I… I suppose so.”
Bastian’s warnings swam into my consciousness, but too late. I’d already given away so much.
“Hmm. Did it serve you to keep quiet?”
I had no answer.
“Or did your silence just serve others and their comfort?”
I gulped the rest of the water, trying to ignore the way her words crept over my skin like a horrible realisation. The bright lights stung my eyes and kept my stomach tight, like my body expected her to strap me down for more. “Are we finished here?”
“Ah, yes.” She sat back, tucking her notebook in her pocket. “I have the data I required. Unfortunately, it means my theory was incorrect. However, there will be more theories…” She patted the pocket. “Especially with what I was able to observe. Fascinating. I’ve never seen a case like yours.” She smiled, and this time it did reach her eyes.
That only made it worse.
My head spun as I rose from the bed and grabbed my coat, but I refused to let that slow me down. I needed to get out of here. Away from the bed, the bright lights, the tray full of bloody instruments, and, most of all, away from Elthea.
I caught sight of myself in the door’s mirrored glass. Pale and ashen—I looked like death. And when I put out my hand to open the door, I flinched at the sight of my fingers, seeing the nerves and bare bone overlaid on the purple skin.
It’s not real. They aren’t like that. She healed me.
Steadying myself on the wall, I nudged the door open with my elbow instead, but her parting words followed me: “I’ll send for you when I have a new test.”
What was she going to do next? Did she understand I wasn’t fae? What might be normal for them could kill me.
More bile licked my throat as I hurried across the pillared entrance hall. Head down, I tugged on my coat and gloves.
Outside, the overcast day didn’t pierce my eyes like the cold light of Elthea’s treatment room. Like every other part of me, my breaths shook, steaming. It had grown suddenly chilly, as though autumn had arrived overnight.
I needed to get back to Rose and tell her what Elthea had done. It couldn’t be normal—couldn’t be all right.
Except then she would tell Bastian, and Bastian… Well, he’d broken a man’s nose because he’d questioned me eating cake. He might kill Elthea. I couldn’t risk it. Not when she was my only hope of a cure.
I had to keep this a secret. And that meant I couldn’t return to Rose trembling and pale, this close to hyperventilating.
But my heart was still pounding and I couldn’t control my heaving chest, not as so many people watched me charge by.
I needed to get away. I needed somewhere safe.
Help, my mind cried. Help.
I held onto my breath and that let me hold on to a semblance of control, but both were only temporary.
Both would have to burst soon.
I aimed for a park, but as my eyes burned, I realised it was too far—I wouldn’t make it that long.
A quiet side street opened up. Its houses had basement floors with staircases leading down.
Quiet, dark, small, they beckoned me.
I stumbled down the nearest one and found a spot between the stone steps and the house, invisible from the road.
Wedging myself in, curled tight and small, it felt like the stone embraced me. I crossed my arms over my knees and sobbed in silence.
Only the gods knew how long I stayed there, but it was enough time to grow chilled and for tears to soak my coat sleeves. I still couldn’t look at my hands without being reminded of everything Elthea had done, but I could stand and dry my cheeks, and that was enough.
I kept my head bowed as I took a circuitous route to meet Rose, keeping my bearings using the tower with the bowyer’s shop in it.
I managed a smile when I walked into Ariadne’s atelier, though I thought it might break me.
Even worse, Rose was already on her feet. “I was just about to come looking for you. I was worried—you’ve been ages.”
“Oh, it just took longer than expected.” I waved her off, clinging to my fake smile. “Elthea has some treatments to try now, so we’re making progress, but it means my appointments might take longer.”
“Treatments?” A wide smile, not even remotely fake, spread over her face. “That’s great!”
“Isn’t it?”
And it was great. I could almost convince myself.
All part of my plan.
Find out who was behind unCavendish, get rid of the poison and my need for Bastian, then go home.
This was just another thing I had to endure in the meantime.
19
Bastian
“Who’s the best cryptographer these days?”
Brynan grinned up at me from his desk. “Come on. Surely you know that.”
After more than a week of trying to work out the note’s contents myself, I wasn’t in the mood. I pinched the bridge of my nose but it did nothing to dull the thud of my headache. “Things might’ve changed while I was away. Just tell me.”
“Sorry, Bastian. I was just—”
“It’s fine.” I patted his shoulder. “The best cryptographer?”
“It’s my partner.”
“Gael. Of course.”
“That’s why I was—”
The knock pounding at the door could only be the guards.
We exchanged small frowns.
“Enter.”
Led by Urien, a dozen guards filed in and at their centre—
“Elthea? What brings you to Dusk?”
“I’m sorry, Bastian.” Urien shot her a glare. “She said she needed to see you at once—something relating to her patient.”
Kat. I held perfectly still, but something gripped my throat. “Oh?” I raised my eyebrows like this was only faintly interesting, but inside I burned with a dozen questions. Was she all right? Where was she? What had happened?
“It’s a matter of some delicacy. Perhaps your office?” She raised an eyebrow. “I assume the queen’s spymaster would have wards to ensure privacy.”
“I have no such title.” Not officially, anyway. I gave her a smooth smile. “But no one can hear what’s said inside.” I dismissed the guards to wait in the hall and ushered Elthea inside.
“Oh, there’s one more joining us,” she said as I went to close the door.
“Inviting people to my offices now?”
“This one, I don’t think you’ll mind.” Her eyes glinted as she tilted her head.
Out in Brynan’s office, the door opened and a familiar voice drifted through, making my stomach flip. “I had an odd message asking me to come here.” I could hear Kat’s hesitancy.
“Send her through,” Elthea called.