“The difference is I feel remorse,” I panted, feeling her magic zap across my skin as if being summoned by my words. “I feel the horror of what I did and feel sorry for it, rather than succumb to it. I deny the darkness’s pull. I push it away and you turn toward it.”
“Such speeches for such a young Wolf. But you don’t know what you’re talking about, yet again. Dark magic saved me,” she said. “And it will save many more Wolf daughters still.”
“Like Queen Ingrid?”
“Ingrid broke the system.” Sawyn’s eyes crinkled. “She risked war with Valta to stand her ground and fight for her rightful crown. It’s worked for now, but it will only be so long before another king—or even a Wolf in her own court—turns on her. I’ve been nudging her toward dark magic for years. One day she’ll see it’s the only way to a different, better world.”
“I, too, want a different world,” I whispered, shaking my head. “A world beyond everything we’ve been told we had to be.”
“Exactly!” she exclaimed, as if we had somehow found common ground. “It is a pity you are mated to the Prince of Damrienn.” Sawyn adjusted her crown. “I would’ve liked to keep you around.”
“Why can’t you?”
“Because Damrienn is poison, just like the rest of them. And I will not have it in Olmdere.” Her eyes narrowed. “And more, Nero needs to learn. After all he’s done, this is a lesson he will remember. I won’t rest until every Wolf kingdom is ruled by their rightful heirs.”
“Grae is not like his father,” I pleaded. “I’d gut King Nero myself if given half the chance.”
“If we are so in agreement, what makes you think you have more right to Olmdere than me?” Sawyn hummed.
“Because you aren’t doing your duty as Queen.”
“Excuse me? I am fully in control—”
“You let your people starve,” I growled. “Our people. You let them die, pitted them against each other, threatened and tortured them. You may have had a claim to be heir, but you squandered it when you abdicated your responsibility to your people.”
“Humans,” she spat.
I yanked against my chains, snarling at her. “So you pity the daughters of kings, but have no sympathy for the people who actually make up your kingdom?”
“Wolves are the natural-born leaders. Humans are weak in both mind and body, nothing more than ants under our boots,” she hissed. “They knelt before the Wolf kings because they couldn’t drive out the monsters themselves. They are barely worth the grain to feed them. They let this world be what it is, and they wouldn’t lift a finger to save you.”
“You’re wrong.”
She cocked her head. “Then where are your precious humans now, hm?”
“They’re waiting.”
Sawyn snorted. “Just as they’ve waited for hundreds of years. Because nothing changes!”
“You can’t expect anyone to fight when they don’t even know when their next meal is.” My chest heaved. “But they would if they weren’t trying to survive.”
“Then they haven’t tried hard enough to save themselves, and it still proves my point.”
“The dark magic has rotted your heart, Sawyn, if you think you can pick and choose in such a way.” My eyes and throat burned as her green magic filled my veins. “You hate the Wolves for what they’ve done. You hate the humans for what they are,” I snarled. “You let thousands of people suffer, and the only one you care for is yourself.
“You’re selfish. And you are alone.”
Her final tether snapped as she whirled on me, balling her hands into fists. “I have suffered!”
“And you’ve punished innocent people for it,” I spat back.
“I will save the Wolf daughters,” she seethed.
“That is meaningless unless you care about human daughters, too,” I gritted out. “Are you the last cause that’s important? Once your battle is won, all that suffering evaporates into thin air? No, you’re lessening your pain only by putting it on others. That isn’t a victory at all. It’s nothing but cowardice.”
“You know nothing of bravery. You know nothing of the decisions I’ve had to make in order to survive—”
“In order for you to survive! Don’t you hear yourself? You are the queen who cares nothing about her people. How are the humans supposed to survive?”
“They get by. I called them ants before, but they’re more like roaches, no? They keep popping up.” She laughed at the analogy, a tinge of madness apparent in her voice. “Humans are dangerous when given too much hope. They’d threaten our very way of life.” She curled her lip, unknowing that she only cascaded her pain down onto those she still had power over. Kings crushed queens, queens crushed humans, and everyone’s suffering only compounded. “You are such a disappointment, girl, that you can’t see clearly what would happen if we let them off their leashes.”
“Don’t call me girl,” I raged. Now that I had claimed my true self, that word grated against my skin, the irritation it caused before increased tenfold. I’d spent so long being silent about it, letting each time I was called “girl” chip away at me a little more, and I wasn’t going to take it anymore, especially not from Sawyn. “That is not what I am.”
Sawyn rolled her eyes. “You want to be a man so you can have everything to yourself, don’t you?”
“No, not a man, either.” I shifted my knees under me, trying to take the strain off my arms. “Something else. Merem. That’s who I am.”
“You’ve spent too much time with the humans.” Sawyn waved off my words. “That is their short-lived nonsense speaking. Those aren’t our words.”
“And you’ve spent too little time with them! Maybe we should be more like the humans.”
Sawyn’s head whipped toward me. “Skin chaser.”
“Those are our words—and aren’t the insult you think. Less separates us than you would believe.” I saw it in her eyes—she thought I was crazy, so certain that she was right. Disbelief warred against her rage.
“Just one look at you and I know exactly what you are,” she seethed. “You think your made-up words can deceive me?”
“I have been deceiving everyone, including myself, my whole life,” I shouted, spittle flying from my mouth as I raged, not only against her but every person who ever made me feel lesser than. “No more. You choose to see what your closed little mind tells you. But I’m done trying to make sense to people like you. I’m finally now being honest.”
“And what does your prince think of this ridiculousness, merem?” Her eyes widened when I didn’t respond. “Oh, you haven’t told him, have you?” Her lips curved up in an evil grin. “Shall we ask him?”
Thirty-Nine
She twisted her hand upward, bolts of green lightning shooting skyward, and a thump sounded to my left. Grae appeared in front of me, doubled over and gasping wet breaths. One eye was bruised shut, his lip busted open. When he spotted me, he let out a cry of relief, crawling toward me and wrapping me in his arms. A sob escaped my lips as I dropped my head onto his shoulder.
“Tell him, Calla.” Sawyn’s voice cut short our relief.
“Are you okay?” Grae whispered, searching my face and body for injuries. I nodded against him and he sighed.
“Tell him what you think you are,” Sawyn taunted.