“But you work for Gilbert and Marks?”
“No. I did some freelance marketing for them occasionally; I haven’t done any for over a year.” He sighed, resigned. “Gilbert is the uncle who stole my mum’s shares. I couldn’t stay working for him after that.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I knew what it would look like.”
“And what does it look like?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Like I was in cahoots with my uncle.”
“And were you?”
“No!” His voice was desperate, pleading. “You have to believe me. I was looking for a job, and I saw yours on a website. I recognized the town name because I’d seen it when I was working for Gilbert and Marks. I knew my uncle had properties here, but I swear I didn’t know yours was one of them until I got here.”
“And when you did realize?” She felt sickeningly alert, like she’d just woken up in a strange place.
“I should have told you. I know that. But the longer I left it, the worse I knew it would look. I don’t expect you to believe me, but I have been trying to help.”
“Help me or help yourself? Get me into bed and out of my home? Was there a nice promotion in it for you? Were you all laughing behind my back? The desperate widow gagging for a shag, totally oblivious?”
Her voice was rising, but it quavered unsteadily, catching in her throat. Her hands were shaking, and she clenched her fists to make them be still. She was a tornado of hurt and humiliation. She knew it. She just knew it. This is what happens when you give your heart away.
“No! God, Mags, no, it was never like that. I told you—I didn’t work for him when I came here. I’ll admit I was curious when I first arrived, I remembered my uncle had plans for the building . . .”
“This is my life, my livelihood, my home. I grew up here, my mother died here, I raised my kids here!”
“Please just take a breath, let me explain.”
She shook her head as though trying to stop his words from touching her. “Don’t!” She put her hand up to stop him. “Just don’t. You used me. I let you into my life—into my bed—and you used me. God! I feel disgusting. How could I have been so stupid?”
Joe reached out for her, touched her arm lightly as he looked searchingly into her eyes for a gap through her defenses. She shrugged him off, clutching at the place he’d touched as though he’d slapped her.
“You have to believe me; it wasn’t how Patrick made it sound . . .” he pleaded with her.
“Just go.”
The hurt in his face was too raw, she couldn’t look at him, she didn’t have enough left in her to feel sorry for him after what he’d done.
“Please give me a chance to explain.”
“No. You don’t get chances. Thank god I didn’t let you talk me into making things official between us. Imagine if I’d told Verity!”
He shook his head sadly as he stepped away from her. “How did I not see it before? This is perfect for you, isn’t it?” he said.
“What?”
“I’ve just handed you your Get Out of Jail Free card. Now you don’t need to make room for me in your life. You never had any intention of telling Patrick or anyone else that we were serious, did you? There was never going to be an ‘us’ or ‘ours’ in this scenario. I was always going to be your dirty little secret because you are too afraid to let yourself be happy.”
“You are in absolutely no position to accuse me of anything.” The truth of his words sickened her further.
“Exactly!” He laughed bitterly. “I’ve relieved you of all responsibility. Stupid me, I walked right into it. Now you can throw me out of your life and still maintain the moral high ground.
“All I want is to be with you, but you make someone wanting to get close to you feel like an incursion. You push everyone away.”
“You lied to me!”
“I omitted the truth—it’s different!”
“That’s semantics. How could I ever trust you again?”
“If that’s the case, what about you? What about your lies? You want to talk about trust? I trusted you when you said you just needed a bit of time and then we’d tell the kids we were together, get a place together, start a life! I trusted that you felt the same about me as I do you, but the truth is, you were never going to let me in.”
He was right. But so was she.
“You’re turning this around. Don’t gaslight me.”
“I’m not. I know what I did. I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I fucked up. I should have told you straightaway and I will always be sorry that I didn’t.” He rubbed his hands through his hair, shaking his head. “I would shout my love for you from every rooftop in this village. For god’s sake, Maggie, I would give you everything, all you had to do was say the word. Please. Please don’t give up on us. Let me explain it properly.”
This was too much. And the worst part was that even as her heart was breaking, a part of her knew that he was right about her, that she was too afraid to let him in, that this was the perfect excuse to end it all before she got in too deep. Joe was looking at her, his expression haunted, desperate, pleading. She couldn’t let him see her tears fall. She couldn’t let him know that he had broken her.
“Maggie.”
“Leave me alone!”
“Please—”
“Leave! I want you out of my home. Go!”
He nodded once and left. She grabbed her phone and pulled up the Gilbert & Marks website. She clicked on About Us and scrolled through the pictures of staff until she found it: a picnic cloth laid out on the grass, loaded with food, a cooler to one side stuffed full of bottles of beer. And behind the feast, with his arms draped around the people on either side of him, grinning up at the camera with the gleeful expression of the freshly drunk, was Joe. Joe, who had joked on more than one occasion that he was an open book. Joe, who had made love to her and told her that he was in love with her. Joe, who had promised that her heart was safe with him. Joe, who was a liar.
44
When she’d managed to calm her breathing, Maggie called Star and asked if she would mind having Verity for an impromptu sleepover. She was not fit for good parenting right now. She was hanging on by her fingernails and she didn’t know how long she had before she’d fall.
“Are you sure everything’s okay? You sound weird.”
“Everything’s fine. I’ve got a ton of paperwork to do, and I just really need to get on. She’s been badgering me for a sleepover with you ever since you got here.”
“Bless her heart. Of course, I’m excited to have her over. And you’re sure you’re . . . okay? I thought we were meeting tonight to go over the final plans.”
“I’m fine! Honestly, I’m just really behind on my paperwork, what with the time taken up with the solstice festival . . .”
“Is Joe there?”
“Um, no. No. Not tonight.”
“Okay, I’ll be over in ten.”
“Thanks. You’re a star, Star.”