There’s a rushing in my ears—my blood’s humming like bees. “Why were you snooping behind my bed?”
“Because I wanted to borrow one of your jump drives. I have pictures I want to download.” Dull red climbs Lily’s cheeks. “What are these?”
“Police interviews.”
“With Mom’s name on them?”
I swallow. “Yeah. They were . . . given to me.” Even though that’s true, the words sound lame and Lily’s pale eyes narrow. “She was informing on Dad, working with the police against him.”
“Were you going to tell me about them?”
“I couldn’t figure out what to say.” It’s true. It’s so true. I can’t decide what I think of it myself. How am I supposed to explain it to my sister?
“You say, ‘I have videos of Mom.’”
“Do you want to watch them?”
Lily jerks her head side to side. “No way. I don’t care. I don’t get why you had them and didn’t tell me.”
I can see her hurt, feel it—because we both know the sister code. You can lie to yourself, lie to your parents, but you never ever lie to each other. “Lil, I’m sorry. I really didn’t know what to say. She had this whole secret life and I had no idea, did you?”
Nothing. I wait for Lily to digest the revelation. I can’t tell if she does. Her features stay hard. “Did you hear what I said?” I ask.
“Do I look like I care?”
“I . . . how could you not care?”
Lily throws the DVDs onto the bed. “You’re going to mess everything up, Wick. What if Bren finds them?”
“What if she does?” Crap, what if she does? How would I explain how I got them? How would I explain what I was doing with them? I glare at my sister and try to look like I’ve already thought of all these things and, more importantly, thought of ways around them.
It doesn’t work. There’s a lump in my chest and it’s scaling my throat with claws. I’m not going to feel guilty about this. I’m not.
“Don’t you care why she jumped?” I demand.
“No.” And for a moment, Lily looks so sad I think she’s lying . . . until I realize that sadness is for me.
“It’s more complicated than we knew, Lil. Let me show you some of the interviews.”
“No. She left us, Wick. She left us with him. I hate her for that.”
“She was sick. She wasn’t thinking—”
“She was selfish.”
I gape. It’s not like my sister’s comment is anything new. We heard it plenty of times after our mom’s death. Counselors, teachers, parents. Everybody had an opinion. It just feels new coming from Lily, like I’ve just been gouged open.
“You can’t forgive her, Wick. I don’t want Mom finding these.”
“Bren’s not our mom.”
“Fine, she’s my mom.” Lily glares at me. “Blood doesn’t excuse anyone. You don’t get a get-out-of-jail-free card because you’re related. Family is who you choose—not who you got stuck with because you share a gene pool. Bren doesn’t have to care for us. She chooses to. She went to find us. She’s not like . . .” Lily flails one hand and I can’t tell if she’s batting away our mother or groping for her name. “She left us, Wick. She. Left. Us.”
The words should not sting. They shouldn’t. I taught them to Lily. I repeated them and repeated them until she believed them—because I believed them. Now? Now I don’t know.
Once, Lily had been the one to tell me how our mom would never have left us, and she might have been right.
I ruined that.
I’ve ruined everything.
“Get rid of them,” Lily says. “I don’t want Bren finding them. She’s fragile right now.”
Fragile? That’s a Norcut word. I cross both arms. “You’re not the only one who cares about her.”
“Doesn’t look that way.”
“So in order to care about Bren, I have to pretend all of this never happened?”
Lily shrugs. “It happened and it doesn’t matter anymore. You used to tell me to think of the future. What happened to you?”
Carson . . . Todd . . . Griff.
Now I can’t figure out what my life would be like if any of them hadn’t happened.
I’m not sure I would trade it. Looking at my sister though, I know Lily would. She used to be the other side of me, but we’re no longer the same.
And I keep making decisions that take us farther apart.
“Promise me you’ll stop, Wick—if not for her then do it for me.” Lily’s eyes are saucer round, her fury dissolving into fear. “Please?”
“Of course.” The words are instant and inevitable. I agree to anything when it comes to my sister . . . so why do I sound rusted? Like some part of me just broke.
“Wick? Lily?”
Bren. For a stomach-churning moment, I’m convinced she heard us.
“Can you both come down here?”
Lily bolts for the door and I’m hot behind her. We clatter down the stairs, skidding to a stop on the landing as my heart rides into my throat.
Carson’s standing below us, beaming at me like I’m the good guy.