Caitlin straightened up. She’d forgotten he was waiting for her. “Russian, as usual.”
She got into the car and buckled her seat belt. Josh leaned over to kiss her hello. But when she closed her eyes and kissed him back, she imagined herself sitting on the back of Jeremy’s Vespa, her arms wrapped around him. She flinched, horrified.
“So where to? Dirk’s?” It was their favorite burger place, famous for its sweet potato fries.
Caitlin made a face. “I just ate.”
Josh waved his hand. “Well, I’m starving, so do you mind?” He started the car without waiting for her answer. “Once you smell those fries, you’ll totally want some.”
I said I wasn’t hungry, Caitlin thought as they pulled away from the curb.
Jay Z’s “Empire State of Mind” came blasting out through the speakers. Caitlin jumped at the sudden noise, slamming her palm against the dash as if to brace herself. Josh cranked it up even louder. “This song always makes me think of the Cape Disappointment trip,” he yelled. “Remember? We listened to it on the way there, like, five hundred times?”
The bass shook so hard it felt like an extra heartbeat vibrating through her body. The Cape Disappointment trip had been right after their sophomore year. Josh had just gotten his driver’s license and they’d gone to the coast for a week with a bunch of other soccer players. She still remembered the sun-dappled trees whipping by outside the car window, all of them singing at the top of their lungs without a care in the world. She remembered Josh’s hand on her knee, and little charges of electric attraction shooting between them. That was when Taylor was still alive, when Caitlin was still happy and innocent. That was before she’d known how much the world could hurt a person.
It felt like so long ago.
A heavy weight settled on her knee, and she looked down to see Josh’s hand resting on her pant leg. She was shocked at how foreign and clumsy his hand felt on her leg. Almost annoying, in fact.
She stared out the window, thinking about what she and Jeremy had talked about the other night—wandering the world like Jack Kerouac, having crazy and unexpected and unpredictable adventures. She couldn’t stop thinking about it.
She looked over at Josh. “Do you ever think about what you’d do if you couldn’t play soccer anymore?” The question came out in a tumble.
“Huh?” Josh shot her a confused look.
The seat belt felt tight across her throat and she tugged at it. “If you got hurt or something. Or if you burned out.”
Josh frowned. “Why even worry about something like that? Your ankle is fine, Cate. You’re definitely playing soccer.”
“Yeah, but . . .” She gave a little grunt of frustration. “I mean, what if you hurt yourself really badly or something. Or what if you didn’t feel like it anymore? What would you do then?”
Josh almost ran a stoplight turning to look at her. “Are you quitting?”
“No.” She turned to look out the window. “I’m just playing devil’s advocate.”
He gave her a blank, almost nervous look, shaking his head. “I just don’t see the point in thinking about something that isn’t going to happen. Soccer is life.” He grinned. It was a slogan on one of the bumper stickers plastered on the back of his car.
“But actually, Josh, it is going to happen.” Caitlin’s heart started to beat faster. “We’re not going to be playing soccer forever. After UDub, if we both get in . . . well, the pros are a long shot, even if you are one of the best. We have to have some sort of plan.”
Josh looked hurt. “You don’t think I can go pro?”
“That’s not what I said!” she insisted. “And it’s not the point. Don’t you think it’s a good idea to . . . I don’t know. To slow down sometimes? To look around and see what you want out of life?”
He snorted. Caitlin watched him for a moment, but he didn’t seem to give the question any consideration. “What’s gotten into you lately, anyway?” he asked. “You’ve been acting weird.”
She shrugged, then decided to say the name she’d been holding back. “I guess I’ve been thinking about Taylor a lot. The Nolan thing . . . it’s brought up a lot of memories. And it’s like . . . life is so short. The only way we’ve spent it is running up and down the soccer field.”
Josh shook his head. “I honestly don’t see what Taylor or Nolan have to do with soccer.”
She whipped her head around to stare at him. “They have everything to do with soccer. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in soccer, I might have seen what was happening to Taylor. And now I can’t stop thinking about it.”
Josh still looked blank. “Well, maybe you should. Because it’s going to screw up your game. Screw up your chances at getting into UDub.”