“And what is that like for you?”
“It’s awful. I can’t even go to school. Well, I tried yesterday, but that b—I mean, Ashley filled my locker with cat litter. She’s like the new Nolan.” As soon as she said his name, Julie regretted it.
Sure enough, Dr. Rose’s eyebrows shot straight up. “Nolan Hotchkiss?”
Julie swallowed hard, her heart rate picking up. One . . . two . . . three . . . “Yes.”
“Are you saying Nolan did things to you, just like Ashley?”
Julie looked away, studying the frames on the wall. Letitia W. Rose, PhD, University of Washington. “No, he did things to Parker. I hated him for what he did.” Julie’s voice cracked, and her throat burned with anger. “But I didn’t kill him.”
“Tell me what Nolan did to Parker, Julie.”
Julie sighed. She’d repeated this story to the police so many times already, and it never got any easier to tell. “The night her dad . . . attacked her, she was at a party at Nolan’s house. She called me, and she was slurring and sounded really messed up. But she also sounded freaked-out, like she was out of control.”
“What did she say?”
“She said, ‘I think he slipped me some Oxy.’” Julie paused. “She was talking about Nolan—they were really good friends. The thing was, Nolan knew that her dad was . . . nasty. Parker’s dad beat her all the time—nothing she ever did was good enough. Drugs were the things that made him the angriest. He threatened to kill her if he ever caught her on them.” Julie took a breath. “Parker thought Nolan did it on purpose, like he thought it would be funny if her dad beat her up.” She clenched her hands into fists. “I told her I’d come get her and take her home. She was so messed up when I got to Nolan’s. She begged me to let her come to my house so her dad wouldn’t see her like that, but, well . . . I hadn’t told her about my . . . situation. I was afraid to let her come over. Parker and I were best friends, but she was so popular. I was afraid she’d drop me if she knew.” Tears suddenly spilled down her cheeks as she relived the memory. Parker had begged and begged, and she’d made up a lame excuse about how her mom was throwing a party and didn’t want guests. “It’ll be fine,” she’d told Parker, as she drove Parker home despite Parker’s drugged-out protests. God, Julie was an asshole.
“So you took her back to her house instead,” Dr. Rose finished for her.
Julie nodded. She took a breath and found the strength to finish the story. “That was the night her dad . . .” She faltered and shut her eyes, wishing she could push away the memories that flooded her: of the months Parker had spent in the hospital, stitches crisscrossing her face, neck, and arms; of Parker’s broken bones and swollen limbs; of Parker learning to walk again. Julie could have prevented all that if she had just been brave enough.
“She’s my best friend, and I let it happen to her.” Julie shook her head and pounded her fists into her thighs. “It was because of me,” she whispered, her voice filled with rage and self-loathing. “I was so selfish. All I cared about was my reputation.”
“You didn’t know what would happen, Julie. What Parker’s father did to her—that is on him. Not you.”
“That’s nice of you to say,” Julie said. “But is it really true? It’s amazing that Parker forgave me. She should hate me.” She felt her face crumple. These were things she’d never said out loud—not to another therapist, and not to Parker. Maybe you shouldn’t have forgiven me. I’m worthless, after all. I did this to you. It’s my fault.
The doctor was silent for a moment, but her gaze was on Julie’s face. She looked like she was thinking hard about something. “So you feel Parker has forgiven you, Julie?”
Julie shot her an astonished look. “Well, sure. I mean, why else would she still be my friend? And I’ll never let anything bad happen to her again. I would die first.”
“I understand.” Dr. Rose gave Julie a warm smile, like she really did understand. Then she sat back. “So did you or did you not kill Lucas Granger?”
Julie flinched, surprised at the swift turn in the conversation. “Of course not.”
“And Nolan? You hated him, but that wasn’t you either?”
“No way.” Julie picked at a loose thread on her sweatpants. “I’m not capable of murder.”
Dr. Rose nodded. “No, I don’t think you are. But what about your friends?”
Julie blinked. “What about them?”