The Doll's House

‘Clodagh, do you want to talk about the things you remember from the regression?’


‘I’m not sure.’ He waits, not wanting to rush me. The fear I felt is still close. It was all-consuming. The world of the doll’s house was more real than the here and now. ‘Gerard, it didn’t feel imagined.’

‘You have to realise, Clodagh, in your case, when you regress, your adult mind is there but so, too, it seems, is the mind of your younger self. In part, you’re looking at things through the eyes of a seven-year-old. Any number of influences could be brought to bear in how childhood perception comes to be. Whatever your younger self believes she witnessed may not be true. When you’re a child, some things are hard to grasp. Your mind can force a solution, or an understanding, a shortcut of the truth.’

‘So it can’t be trusted, this truth?’

‘It’s a different kind of truth. But it’s all you have right now. Ultimately, the hope is that, with your adult self being present during the regression, the true picture will unravel.’

‘When I regressed, Gerard, did I regress to an actual memory or an imaginary one?’

‘What you experienced most likely did happen. It wasn’t a dream but, as I’ve already said, it seems to be coming from a child’s point of view. It has to be taken in the context of a seven-year-old mind.’

‘But what my mother said, about the baby being killed, why would I remember that if it wasn’t true?’

‘I wish I could help you, Clodagh, tell you which parts can be relied upon and which cannot, but within your regression, there is a form of truth. We simply need to find the correct roadmap to it.’

‘Can I tell you something else, Gerard?’

‘What?’

‘It’s hard to explain.’

‘I’m a good listener.’ He smiles. ‘Helps with the territory.’

‘I keep thinking about why I came here in the first place.’

‘Go on.’

‘I thought it was to understand why the relationship between my mother and me was so difficult, to explain the barrier between us, and why I turned to alcohol for escape.’

‘I know that.’

‘The death of my sister could explain it. Perhaps my mother wasn’t able to love me because she’d suffered such a huge loss.’

‘It certainly sounds reasonable, Clodagh.’

‘But I don’t feel that’s all of it. You see, there have been times over the last while, during my regression and in part through memory recall, that I …’

‘You what, Clodagh?’

I stare past Gerard, concentrating on the candle still burning by the window, the tiny flame swaying, changing colour and shape. ‘That I think about the way she looked at me.’

‘Your mother?’

‘Yes.’ I continue looking at the flame. ‘It’s as if everything that happened is somehow my fault. And that’s not all.’

‘What?’

‘It’s to do with the boys.’

‘The boys?’

‘Yes.’ I sit up. ‘Martin, Dominic and a boy called Stevie McDaid.’

‘What about them?’

‘I heard them whispering. We were all in the attic.’

‘This is from memory, Clodagh?’

‘Yes. It was when I went to our old house with Dominic.’

‘Go on.’

‘I felt frightened. I can’t remember any more, but it feels connected.’

‘Clodagh?’

‘Yes?’

‘There is something else we could try.’

‘What?’

‘During the previous session, not the one today but before, your conscious mind resisted the regression. It forced me to use an alternative method. I had to endeavour to overload it, tire the conscious mind, before the use of tapping on the forehead to shock it into subconscious regression.’

‘So?’

‘We could try to regress again but this time use the format from our previous session. We could attempt to pinpoint the regression in a very specific way.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Direct you to the root cause of your childhood distress.’

‘Around the death of my sister?’

‘Perhaps, or it could turn out to be something else entirely. It’s a risk, Clodagh, and one you must be fully sure you want to try. The truth could turn out to be extremely difficult. We’re entering this blind.’

‘Not knowing, Gerard, can be a whole lot worse.’

‘I appreciate that, Clodagh. It’s up to you.’

‘Can we attempt it now?’

‘Yes, if you want to. As I said, I’m not expecting anyone else today.’

‘Okay, then. Let’s try it.’

‘Clodagh, can I ask you something else?’

‘Of course.’

‘How did you get here today? Did you come alone?’

‘Yes. Why do you ask?’





Ocean House, the Quays


Kate hadn’t heard back from O’Connor after the incident-room briefing. She thought about phoning him but decided against it. If he had something to tell her, he would have called.