The Doll's House

‘I want you to go to the door with the number five on it. Open the door and walk through to the other side.’


I hear sounds. There is laughter, little-girl laughter. I know it’s me. My curly ginger-red hair is falling across my face. I’m searching for something in the wardrobe, down at the bottom.

‘Where are you, Clodagh?’

‘I’m in my parents’ room.’

‘What age are you?’

‘Five.’

‘What do you see?’

‘I see shoes, high shoes, sandals, shiny gold sandals.’

‘Can you hear anything?’

‘I’m giggling. I’m pulling out the gold sandals, putting them on my feet. When I stand up, I feel tall, wobbly. Dominic is downstairs with someone, a friend. They don’t want me playing with them. Girls are silly, they say.’

‘Dominic?’

‘My brother.’

‘Does this upset you?’

‘No. They’re boring, wanting to play their stupid boy games.’

‘What are you doing now?’

‘I’m sitting at my mum’s dressing table. It’s full of perfumes, lipsticks. There is a golden lipstick case with a pretty rose design in the middle. I touch it. It feels cool, and I like the colour, rose pink like Sandy wears.’

‘Who is Sandy?’

‘She’s one of my dolls.’

‘Where is your doll, Clodagh? The one called Sandy?’

‘I’ve left her in my bedroom, sitting by the doll’s house. My mother’s lipstick smells sweet. It’s sticky on my lips.’

‘What do you feel?’

‘I can hear footsteps – clickety-click, clickety-click.’ My voice is more excited.

‘Do you recognise the footsteps?’

‘They’re my mother’s. We’re going out. We’re going to a party at my friend’s house.’

‘What do you see now, Clodagh?’

‘I see my mother. She’s smiling at me. I’m still giggling. She’s holding a dress in her hands. It’s purple taffeta, with silver beads on the collar. It’s my party dress.’

Again he asks, ‘What do you feel?’

‘I feel happy. I want to go to the party.’

‘And your mother?’

‘She’s happy too. She’s laughing as she cleans my face. The wet cloth makes me giggle even more. My dress feels nice against my skin. My mother is brushing out my curls – putting a purple hairband with a tiny silver rose in my hair. I don’t want to take off the high sandals. I want to wear them to the party. My mother laughs again.’

‘What’s happening now?’

‘She’s picking me up, putting me on her lap. She kisses my face. She wriggles off the gold high heels. My new shoes are flat, shiny black patent. They have silver buckles. They’re nice, but not as nice as the high sandals.’

‘Is it just the two of you in the room?’

‘Yes, and the sun is shining. I think it could be summer.’

‘Why do you think that?’

‘Soon I’ll be starting big school. I’ve never been there before. Mum tells me I’ll love it, but I don’t think she’s telling me the truth. Dominic goes to school, and when he comes home, he never looks happy.’

‘What do you feel now? What does the adult Clodagh feel?’

‘I don’t know. I’m looking down at the two of them, my little-girl self sitting on my mother’s lap.’

‘Do you know what the little girl is feeling?’

‘She’s still smiling, so she must be happy, but there’s something else.’

‘What is that, Clodagh?’

‘I think … No, I’m nearly sure of it.’

‘You’re nearly sure of what, Clodagh?’

‘The little girl …’

‘What about her?’

‘I think she feels loved.’

‘How do you know?’

‘I just do …’ My voice trails away.

‘Are you ready to come back, Clodagh?’

‘Yes, I think so.’

‘I want you to close your eyes again. Start counting forward. As the numbers change, you will leave the room, and walk out through the door, the one you opened with the number five on it.’

I keep counting forward, one, two, three …

‘Down the corridor, Clodagh, you will see a staircase. I want you to begin walking up the stairs. Are you walking up the stairs?’

‘Yes.’

The counting is continuing inside my head, but I can still hear his voice.

‘Soon you will be near the garden again. Do you remember the garden, and how good it made you feel?’

‘Yes.’

‘I want you to keep breathing in and out, slowly, deeply, counting upwards. Are you in the garden, Clodagh?’

‘I’m in the garden.’

‘Now look for the staircase that will lead you out. Can you see it?’

‘Yes.’

‘Count forward again, from one to ten.’

I feel different, but I’m still relaxed.

‘As you count, Clodagh, you will climb the stairs. When you reach the top, you will be aware that you are back in this room. You will hear sounds from outside the window. You will hear my voice easing you back to the present. When I tell you, Clodagh, you will be able to open your eyes and I want you to keep your breathing steady.’

‘Okay.’