The Doll's House

‘Is she there?’


‘I see her now. She’s standing at the door, blocking my way out. She’s laughing, and her hair is cropped.’

‘ARE YOU CURIOUS, CLODAGH?’ She laughs again.

‘What did I tell him?’

‘You told him Dominic knows a big secret about Mummy.’

My body starts convulsing in the chair. I feel as if I’m caught in a nightmare. My mind is going around in circles, so many questions without answers.

‘Clodagh, breathe deeply. I want you to concentrate on your breathing. Slow it down. As you notice it slowing, you will begin to relax. Can you try that?’ Gerard’s steady voice feels calming.

‘I think so.’ I can still sense my anxiety, but when I do as Gerard asks, it seems as though I’m putting a wall between me and the fear of not knowing what will happen next.

‘Clodagh, do you want me to bring you back?’ Gerard’s voice is a constant, a safety net, my tentative link to the present.

‘No. I think I’m okay. I need to keep going.’ This time it’s my voice I hear, not that of my younger self. She is drifting, moving further away from me, but then she turns again, looking at me. She’s waving, telling me to follow her.

‘Clodagh, what’s happening now?’

‘We’re going somewhere else, and there are loud voices, adult voices, noise coming from downstairs, and all the lights are on. It’s late. I’m not supposed to be up. There are lots of people in the house.’ I’m talking fast, as if I need to get all the words out quickly. ‘The little girl is taking me across the landing, to Dominic’s bedroom. Somebody’s in there. I’m holding Emma under my arm. I mean, my little-girl self is holding her. She’s my doll with the cracked face. Emma’s hair is dangling upside down.’

‘Who is in Dominic’s room, Clodagh?’

‘It’s dark. It’s hard to make them out, but there are things falling to the floor. The drum set in the corner is making a loud clanging noise – something’s crashed against it. I can hear a man’s voice. He’s saying, ‘For fuck sake.’ My little-girl self is crying – low whimpers, like she’s in pain. They don’t see her.’

‘Who doesn’t see her, Clodagh?’

‘My mother and a man, but I can’t see his face. It’s in the shadows.’

‘Try, Clodagh, keep looking. Who do you see?’

‘I don’t know. I told you, I can’t make him out.’

‘Do you know his name?’

‘He’s hurting her. He’s hurting my mother. She’s trying to fight him off, but it’s no use. He’s too strong for her. My little-girl self is screaming, her mouth opening wide, but there’s no sound coming out, as if she’s lost her voice, and she can’t move away.’

‘Clodagh.’ Gerard’s voice is raised for the first time.

I don’t answer him.

‘Clodagh, you must answer me, or I’ll have to bring you back.’

‘He’s …’

‘He’s what?’

‘He’s attacking my mother. I can’t help her. I can’t do anything. The little girl …’

‘What about the little girl, Clodagh?’

‘She can’t stay, she’s too frightened, but she has no one to run to. She doesn’t know where Dominic is. He’s the only one she can talk to. She can’t tell Daddy – he isn’t there. He and Mum had a big fight.’

‘Look around you, Clodagh. I want you to take in as much as you can about what you see.’

I do as he asks. Then I say, ‘There’s something else.’

‘What is it?’

‘There’s a tiny strip of light. It’s coming from the attic room, up the stairs from Dominic’s bedroom. The light is coming from under the door. It’s like a torchbeam the way it moves. He must be up there.’

‘Who is up there?’

‘Dominic. He hides up there when he wants to be away from everybody. The same way I do when I play with my dolls.’

‘Clodagh, do you recognise the man in the room with your mother?’

‘I think so, but it’s very dark. I can’t be sure. He has the face that always stays in the shadows, but …’

‘But what?’

‘I can’t explain it.’ I sound scared. I breathe in deeply.

‘You’re doing great, Clodagh. Keep your breathing steady. None of what you see can harm you. Remember, it all happened in the past. Try to tell me what your younger self is afraid of.’

‘It’s not only what I’m seeing, Gerard.’

‘What is it, then?’

‘It’s the way he makes me feel.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘He frightened me before. He has scared my little-girl self. He isn’t a nice man.’

‘How do you know this, Clodagh?’

‘I just do.’

‘Clodagh, I want you to go back to when he first scared you.’

I say nothing, my mind caught between the memories.

‘Clodagh, can you hear me?’

‘Yes.’

‘Where are you now?’

‘I’m at my friend’s birthday party, the one where I wore the purple taffeta dress, with the silver beads on the collar.’

‘Is your mother there?’

‘Yes, she is, and so is he.’

‘Why does he scare you?’