“I’m not . . .” I couldn’t finish the sentence. Everything I wanted to say felt like a lie.
She studied me for a moment. We’d spent so much of our friendship being smart-asses. There wasn’t room for that anymore. Everyone’s life had been colored by the events of the last few weeks. In this new hue, none of us could act the same.
“I think you should do it,” she said. “Fall hard and fast and don’t think twice about getting hurt. Life’s short, Kaira. Life’s way too short. You gotta take the good when you can and that boy is about as good as it gets. I say this as your friend: If anyone’s worth the hassle of falling in love, it’s Chris.”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. A week ago I would have told her it was stupid. I would have gotten pissed and said I couldn’t date and how dare she tell me I should fall for a guy because I was independent and didn’t need something as stupid as love. But now her words struck chords in me that drowned out the resentment.
Despite the fact that we had ten minutes before class, I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want this moment to end—it felt important, like this was the first breath after a long silence. Chris vanished through the door, but I could still sense him, still feel his hand over mine. And in spite of everything, he was the one thing in my world that felt right. For some insane, impossible reason, the wrongness of wanting to date Chris paled in comparison to the wrongness of everything else.
“Go for it,” she whispered. “Before he’s gone.”
She sniffed as tears filled her eyes. I knew she saw Jane every time she blinked. I stood and walked over to wrap her in a hug, and she cried in my arms for a few minutes. Then, with the sniff and shiver of an actress putting on a mask, she collected her things and led us out of the cafeteria toward Jonathan’s class.
? ? ?
I spent all of Folklore thinking of Jane. It was impossible to think of anything else with Jonathan talking about the Vikings invoking their gods for battle or Egyptians calling down their deities for fertile harvests. So much of humanity’s past involved conspiring with the gods. When had we lost that thread?
I barely even registered when class ended.
“Doing okay, Kaira?” Jonathan asked. He stepped over to my desk while the rest of the class filtered out.
“Yeah,” I replied.
“You sure? You seemed pretty out of it all of class.” He gave me a grin. “I’m not that boring, am I?”
I tried to laugh and failed, fumbling with my notebook in the process. It fell in a flurry of papers. He reached down and picked it up for me, his eyebrows furrowing.
Shit.
It was open to the page I’d scribbled in my dreams.
“What’s this?” he asked.
I snatched it from his hand and flipped it closed.
“Brain dump,” I said.
“That looked like Jane,” he replied. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I wondered then if he had seen the crime scene as well. Helen would have called him, would have wanted support. If he drew any correlation between my sketch and the scene though, he didn’t admit it.
“Fine. I mean, as good as I can be.”
He nodded, not breaking his gaze.
“I was kind of disappointed you weren’t at the tutorial yesterday,” he finally said.
“Sorry,” I said, but I wasn’t really. I had too much on my plate to feel guilt over missing a study hall.
“It’s okay,” he said. “I understand you’re busy. But I do wish you’d drop by.” He looked to the notebook in my hand. “I think it would be good for you. What we’re studying. The support of your peers. I think you might find it helpful in navigating life right now.”
I shrugged. The room felt heavy and close, way too close, and I wanted to get out of there immediately.
“Maybe next week,” I said.
“Actually, we’re having another meeting tonight. Yesterday wasn’t a good day for anyone, so I figured I’d reschedule. We’ll be meeting after dinner.”
“I . . .”
“I hope to see you there,” he said. He gave me a knowing look. “I’ve been talking to a few members of the arts faculty, and there’s been some dissent over your thesis. I thought it might be smart to prepare you for their critique tomorrow.”
Tomorrow. I closed my eyes and tried to keep myself from freaking out. My critique was tomorrow. How the hell had I forgotten that?
If the professors already hated it, tomorrow was going to be a bitch. Why did I even care? With everything else going on, I might not even make it to the critique.
“Yeah, sure. I’ll try to be there.”
“I’d like you to do a little better than try, Kaira. I know there’s a lot going on, but this is the culmination of your career here. I want to make sure you’re able to defend yourself properly tomorrow.”
“Thanks,” I said, because there didn’t seem to be much else to say. “Anyway, I guess I’ll see you later on tonight.”
“Looking forward to it,” he said. I turned to leave. “And Kaira?”