“How do they make you feel?”
“They scare the fuck out of me.”
“Why do they scare you?”
“Because someone I care about always gets hurt. Or worse.”
“They die?”
“Sometimes.”
“Are you there? Witnessing it?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you try to help them?”
“I try. But I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“It’s like I’m paralyzed or something.”
“Are we talking about your family? Nancy? The girls?”
This was the part Tomasetti didn’t want to talk about. If he said it aloud, he would have to acknowledge the possibility that it could really happen. “Not always.”
“Who else is it you dream about, John? Who is it you can’t help? Who can’t you talk to me about?”
“Someone I care about.”
“A partner? A cop? A personal relationship?”
“Personal.”
“Okay. That’s a starting point. Thank you.” Hunt’s eyes sharpened. “You know I have access to your personnel file, John. Because of the shooting you were involved in. I know about the case last January.”
“Most of it was in the papers.”
“I’m talking about the stuff that wasn’t in the papers.”
Tomasetti remained silent.
“Look, I used to be a cop. I know how close partners can get.”
“She isn’t my partner.”
“But you were working with her. You were there for an extended period of time. You were under tremendous stress.” Hunt looked down at his notes. “You got involved with the chief of police.”
Since it was a statement as opposed to a question, Tomasetti figured it didn’t require an answer. Not that he had one. Hell, he didn’t know what was happening between him and Kate. Were they involved? It had been two months since he’d seen her. Did that equate to a relationship? Maybe it was all in his head because he spent so much time thinking of her. Dreaming of her. Things had progressed too quickly, and neither of them was prepared to deal with the consequences. That’s what you got when you put together two people who were experts at sabotaging relationships.
“Is she the one you dream about?” the doctor pressed. “The one you can’t help?”
“Sometimes.”
“Do you want to talk about her?”
“I think we’ve talked enough for now.” Rising, Tomasetti gathered his coat from the back of the chair.
“We’ve got twenty minutes left.”
“Give it to the next guy.”
“All right. Maybe we’ll get into that next week.”
Tomasetti left without responding.
June 5
I saw him at the park again. I sat on the bench by the gazebo and ate my lunch. He was taking pictures. I pretended not to watch, but I did. He has the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.
June 8
Mrs. Steinkruger snapped at me for daydreaming. I didn’t deserve her words. I took an early lunch at the park. He was there and asked why I was crying. I told him, and he laughed. I felt like such a baby. I let him take my picture. The Ordnung forbids it. Graven images and all that. But he said I was photogenic. That made me so happy I forgot all about Mrs. Steinkruger.
June 12
I ate lunch at the park again. He was there and asked me if I wanted to take a ride in his car. I knew it was wrong, but I did it. Oh, it was such fun! But I was scared one of my Amish brethren would see me. I will never forget this day!
June 25
He took me to Miller’s Pond. He snapped pictures while I ate my bologna sandwich. I love to watch him with his camera, so serious. We sat in his car and listened to music. Oh, how I love rock and roll!
June 27
He told me I was special. After lunch he removed my kapp. I know it’s wrong, but his fingers in my hair felt so lovely. He said I have pretty eyes. I want to tell Mamm and Datt that he is courting me, but I know they will not approve. I want him to be my kal. But he is an outsider. I’m afraid they’ll make me quit my job and I won’t be allowed to come into town anymore. For now, this is my secret.
June 28
I thought of him all through worship. Mamm asked me if I was ill. I laughed and told her no. But I miss him so much it hurts.
June 30
I haven’t seen him for two days. Mrs. Steinkruger asked me why I keep looking out the window. I wish she would be nicer to me.
July 6
I’m fifteen years old today! I rushed through my chores and got to work early. I ate my sandwich in the park, but he didn’t come. I miss him. I was on my way back to the shop when he showed up in his car and asked me to get in. I should have said no, but I couldn’t. He took me to Miller’s Pond and gave me a gift! English clothes! Blue jeans and a pretty pink shirt. I love them!
July 7
It happened today. He kissed me. My first ever. I couldn’t stop blushing. He thinks I’m a child, but I’m not. His mouth on mine was like poetry, soft and flowing and warm. Oh, I will never in a thousand years forget that kiss.