PATRICK: Here. During rehearsal!
WONG: So. Someone with your phone texted Mr. Klein, asking him to arrive an hour early this morning, and then when he did, that person bludgeoned him to death and left his body slumped behind the Dr. Pepper machine. But it wasn’t you, because (making a big show of checking her notes) you lost your phone. Yesterday.
PATRICK: (standing up) Yes. Yes! Well, obviously I didn’t lose it. Obviously, someone stole it. The murderer!
WONG: Would you sit down, please?
PATRICK: (still standing) Ask my husband. Ask Peter! When I got home from rehearsal last night, I was looking all over for my damn phone. Ask him!
WONG: Great idea. Where is he right now?
PATRICK. Right now? He’s working. He’s an actor.
WONG: Is he in a rehearsal?
PATRICK: No, no. He’s—he’s not in a show right now. He was up for a swing in Honeymoon in Vegas, but the choreographer on that hates him.
WONG: So, where is he?
PATRICK: He’s busking. Riding the A/C train, singing Gilbert and Sullivan.
WONG: All right. I’ll send someone out to find him, and we can get this thing cleared up. (She takes out her phone to make a call.)
PATRICK: Look. Detective. Detective. I’ve never killed anyone in my life.
WONG: In that case, you’re free to go.
PATRICK: Really?
WONG: Sit down, please.
The lights dim on PATRICK as he reluctantly sits, but stay illuminated on WONG, who, after murmuring instructions into her phone, shifts attention to upstage left, where a new pool of light finds MARCUS VOWELL, overwrought and overemoting.
MARCUS: I just—I just—I mean, I cannot believe it. Dead? Klein is dead? He cannot be dead. I mean, I feel like he is literally right here in this room right now.
WONG: Actually, Mr. Vowell, we’re still awaiting the coroner’s van. Mr. Klein is out there next to the Dr. Pepper machine, if you’d care to see him.
MARCUS: Oh, my God, no thank you. I could not handle that. It’s just so, so sad and so, so weird. I’ve never known anyone dead before. My friend Rigoberto was extremely sick once, and he was sure that it was cancer. He said goodbye to all of us, one by one, and then the doctor told him it was indigestion, and he just had to chew his food more. Such a close call. So scary.
WONG: Mr. Vowell, who was present at rehearsal yesterday?
MARCUS: Yesterday, yesterday … Okay, let’s see. We were rehearsing act two, scene two. It’s such a good scene. Sidney gives his whole shocking speech and then he looks at Clifford and he goes, “I’m out of dialogue. Your go.” And then Clifford—that’s me, I’m playing Clifford—such a good part—I go, “I’m hoping you’ll take pity on a pretty face.” I love that line. Love it! It’s such a good play.
WONG: I’ve never seen it.
MARCUS: Oh.
WONG: I don’t see a lot of theater.
MARCUS: That’s a shame.
WONG: I saw The Lion King.
MARCUS: Oh! Wasn’t it so gorgeous? Wasn’t it just amazing?
WONG: Eh. Lions? Singing? I didn’t buy it. So, who was present at rehearsal yesterday?
MARCUS: Right, right, right, right. Okay. Me, obviously, plus Lewis Cannon, he’s playing Sidney. You’ve heard of him.
WONG: No.
MARCUS: Okay, well, he’s an actor. And then Patrick Wolfish, of course, he’s the stage manager. And Elsie, the director, and Mr. Klein. The producer obviously doesn’t have to be at every rehearsal, but he is always around. Like, always. But now he’s dead—I just can’t believe that he’s dead—it’s just so, so—
WONG: Sad, yes, you said. Marcus, did you get a message like this one last night?
(She holds up the phone, as before.)
MARCUS: (Reading, puzzled first and then horrified.) No. Wait—wait. Oh, my God. Patrick killed Klein! Patrick killed him! This is insane! He murdered him? The stage manager did it? Why would he do that?
WONG: Good question. Any idea why Mr. Wolfish would have wanted Mr. Klein dead?
MARCUS: No! Klein was terrific. He was a marvelous man! He was marvelous! Everybody loved him. Everybody.
(The lights dim on weepy MARCUS, and, downstage left, we find ELSIE WOODRUFF.)
ELSIE: He was a monster. A total monster. If I were making a list of the worst people in the world, I would go, first Klein, and then the guy from the church that pickets soldier’s funerals because God hates gay people. Or maybe Bashar Al-Assad would be second. And then the funeral guy, third. But definitely Klein is first.
WONG: So you’re glad he’s dead, Ms. Woodruff?
ELSIE: I didn’t say that. Death sucks. But I’m not rending my garments about it, is all I’m saying. He was a bad producer and a bad human being.
WONG: Why, then, did you choose to work with him?
ELSIE: Well, Detective, have you ever heard of money? It’s thin and green and you need it to pay for things. I live in a Williamsburg walk-up that costs me two grand a month. I need to work. Besides, I love this play. Klein was a moron, but an Off-Broadway revival of Deathtrap was a solid idea. Some other people disagreed.
WONG: Oh? And which people were those?