I drove around for a long time after leaving Zoe at the park. My destination was anywhere but home. I knew as soon as I set foot inside the house that Mom and Dad would be all over me. I didn’t know what I wanted right now, but I knew I didn’t want to talk to them. They would insist on a discussion about Maggie, pushing the issue until every last question had been raised and then answered. Dad would insist on “resolving the matter,” as if it were just another court case that he had to sift through, complete with an appeal to the jury. Except that the appeal would be to me this time and I knew he would not stop—he would not rest his case—until I assured him that I understood.
Well, I didn’t understand. I doubted if I would ever understand. And nothing they could say or do was going to change that.
I already knew Mom and Dad and Sophie had had a whole life before me in Milford. Even the revelation about Maggie wasn’t what was ripping away inside of me right now. It was that they’d kept it from me. All three of them. For seventeen years. Mom and Dad said it was to protect me. But what was Sophie’s reason? It was her silence that really bothered me, I realized, making a right on Amsterdam Avenue. I’d never known Sophie to be silent about anything.
What would happen if I reversed things? If I went up there and confronted her the way she’d confronted Mom and Dad all these years? She’d been there too, after all. Dad had said she’d seen everything. Why shouldn’t she be the one to tell me? What would happen if I went up to Poultney and asked her to tell me her side of the story? Would it help anything? Or just make it worse?
I pulled into a gas station on the way home and asked the attendant to fill up the tank. Then I had him check the oil level, which was low, and the tires and windshield wiper fluid too. I packed as soon as I got home, tucking three full outfits—underwear, shirts, matching pants—into my suitcase, along with an extra pair of sneakers, socks, my toothbrush, floss, and cell phone. I stayed in my room to avoid conversation with Mom, printing out a map and step-by-step directions from my computer instead. It was not until I heard the front door slam, followed by Dad’s “Hey! I’m home!” that I finally came downstairs, bag in hand.
“Hi,” Mom said, obviously startled by my appearance. She had circles under her eyes. “You hungry? Dinner’s almost ready.”
“No,” I said.
Dad was holding the mail. He glanced at my bag and raised his eyebrows.
“I’m leaving.” I talked loudly, hoping it would make me sound confident. “I’m going to Sophie’s for the weekend.”
Dad put the mail down slowly. “You’re going to Sophie’s? Right now?”
I nodded.
“Julia, it’s already five o’clock. Do you have any idea what a long drive it is?”
“I already printed out the directions. If I leave now and take some breaks, it won’t be too bad. Sophie’ll be up.”
“You can’t drive in the dark, Julia!” Mom said. “It’s too…”
“I’ll be okay,” I said. “I’ve driven in the dark before.”
They both stared at me for a few seconds, eyes wild. If I had the ability to look inside their heads, I thought briefly, I would see gears and cogs moving at the speed of light.
“You’re going up for a visit?” Dad asked finally.
“Yeah. I need same time away.” I shrugged.
Mom turned suddenly, wiping her hands on the edge of a dishcloth. “Well, let me at least pack you something to eat…”
“No, it’s okay,” I said. “I’ll just stop at a Burger King or something.”
Dad dug into his back pocket and extracted his wallet. He pulled out three twenty-dollar bills and held them out to me. “Take this too.”
“I’m fine, Dad. Really.”
He strode over to me and pushed the money into my hands. “I know you’re fine, Julia. But take the money anyway. You never know…” He left the sentence unfinished, hanging in the air between the three of us like a storm cloud.
I took the bills and shoved them into my pocket. “Thanks.”
“Be back on Sunday.” Dad said.
I nodded. “I’ll call before I leave.”
“Hit the road earlier rather than later,” Dad said. “You’ll want to be fresh for your internship on Monday.”
I pushed past him and headed for the door.
“Julia?”
“I know!” I turned, my hand on the doorknob. “I will be back for my internship, Dad. You don’t have to worry.”
He dropped his eyes. “Okay,” he said. “All right, then.”
Mom stepped forward, her hand on his arm. “Make sure to call us as soon as you get there safely. I mean it. As soon as you get there.”
“It’ll be late,” I protested.
“I don’t care what time it is.” Mom’s eyes flashed. “Just call me when you get there.”