I felt nauseated just hearing him say her name. “Why would I be mad that you were talking to Cheryl? You can talk to whoever you want. I don’t own you, Milo. We’re not dating. Actually, I don’t think we ever went on a date. Prom was just a favor you did for your sister’s geeky friend so she wouldn’t have to spend it alone in her room, wasn’t it?” I laughed harshly.
Was I really saying these things? Where were they coming from? And how could I take them back?
“I didn’t ask you to the prom as a favor to Zoe,” Milo said. He was squinting, as if trying to decipher something. “And you’re not a geek.”
I chewed the inside of my lip.
“Listen, Julia, I know we’re not dating…” He struggled. “But come on. It’s me.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” I said coldly. “Not every girl at school wants to throw herself at you, Milo.”
Milo stopped abruptly and pulled on my sleeve. “You’re the one who kissed me, Julia. Not the other way around. That poem at Christmas…it wasn’t meant to be romantic or anything. It was…it was just something that made me think of you. And that’s what I was trying to tell you that night, after prom. But then you just leaned over and kissed me and…”
“And I’m also the one who said I made a mistake!” I shook my head against the flush of memory, remembering the note I had slipped him the next day in which I tried to explain away my behavior. “Do you remember the note? Or do you want me to say it again? It was a mistake, Milo. A big one, okay? It was a complete and total lapse of judgment. So don’t worry. I don’t want to be with you. I’ve never wanted to be with you. Not now. Not ever. Leaning over and kissing you like that…honestly, I was actually thinking about someone else.”
Milo blinked. “You were?”
“Totally!” I tried to laugh. “I mean come on. Do you seriously think I would be dumb enough to want to get involved with my best friend’s brother?”
Milo looked stunned for a moment. He blinked a few times, and shook his head gently, as if settling something inside. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I know. Right.”
I turned and kept walking, waiting for the slap of his flip-flops to follow me. But they didn’t come. And when I reached the end of the block and turned my head just the slightest bit, there was no sign of Milo at all.
chapter
9
It was completely dark outside by the time I got home. The last remnants of the graduation dinner had been erased from the dining room table. Only the tulips remained, their pink heads drooping heavily against the sides of the vase, as if exhausted from the day’s activities.
“Julia?” Mom’s anxious voice drifted out of the living room.
I walked in. “Yeah, it’s me.” Mom was sitting on the couch, staring at the television, which was muted. She had changed finally into her sweat suit, and taken her sneakers off. One leg was tucked under her. Dad was sitting in the big easy chair, his arm draped over his eyes. He lifted it when he heard my voice.
“What’re you doing home so early?” he asked.
I looked around. “Where’s Sophie?”
Mom and Dad exchanged a knowing glance. “She left, honey,” Mom said softly. “She went back to Vermont.”
“What do you mean, she went back? She was supposed to be here until tomorrow. How’d she get back?”
“She took the train,” Mom said. “Dad took her to the station a little while ago.”
I felt a stir of panic. Had there been a scene? Something worse than when I left? “Why’d she leave?” I asked. Because of what happened at dinner?”
Dad sighed heavily. He reached down along the side of his easy chair and pulled the handle so the footrest closed back up. Then he folded his hands. “Yes,” he said simply. “Because of what happened at dinner.”
“But why?” My panic was folding in on itself, turning into some kind of confused rage. “Why do things always come down to this? Why’s she always so mad at you?”
Dad put his head in between his hands.
“Dad,” I started. “Sophie said at dinner that there were things that I didn’t know about…”
His voice came out from under him like an echo. “Yes.”
“Can you…”
“Listen to me, Julia.” Dad lifted his head. His voice was so grave and so serious that for a moment I was frightened. “Before I say what I am about to say, I want you to know that being loyal to this family is the most important thing in the world. Your mother and I would do anything to protect you, Julia. Anything. And we may not have done everything perfectly, but we’ve tried our best.” He stared at me with a piercing look. “Being loyal to your mother and your sister and you has been my whole life. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I nodded, trying to push down the fear rising inside my chest. My heart beat unsteadily with a lopsided kind of rhythm: ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum. I rubbed my hands up and down my arms again, trying to get warm. Dad cleared his throat.
Mom looked up. “You have to start at the beginning, John.” Her voice was as faint as fog. The clock in the kitchen ticked slowly. My insides were churning.
“Dad?” I pressed.
He swallowed. “There was another…”