Benny shook his head. “You don’t understand. Tom wasn’t who I thought he was. I was completely wrong about him. He wasn’t afraid of—”
But Nix was on the attack and cut him off. “You never liked Tom, so don’t start defending him now. You always said he was weak. He was supposed to be so tough, and yet he wouldn’t even do what my mom wanted. He couldn’t … and look what happened. Mom’s dead.” She pounded her fists on the metal rail, and the echo bounced off the night-black trees. Benny heard the echo and quickly grabbed her wrist.
“Don’t,” he said. “Not out here. The noise …”
She wheeled on him. “Are you afraid too?” she mocked.
“Yes,” he said. “I am. There are zoms out there, Nix. Zoms and them. Sound carries.”
But her hurt and anger still needed a target. “You’re just as bad as Tom. You and Morgie and Chong. You worship Charlie and the other bounty hunters. You think he’s cool.” She injected that word with so much venom that Benny knew he would never allow himself to speak it again. It sounded hollow and immature and stupid.
“Not anymore,” he said.
“Oh, sure. Now that it’s too late to do anything, you act all wise and noble. Please.”
Her voice was drenched with bile, and it was getting louder. Benny tried to read her face by starlight, but all he saw were harsh lines.
“And about Tom … I’m not sure what I feel about him anymore. I mean, I miss him. A lot. More than I thought I would.” He shook his head. “Ever since he first took me out to the Ruin, everything’s different. I don’t understand him. I don’t know if I ever did.”
She shoved him hard in the chest. “Who cares? He didn’t save my mom and he could have.”
“Nix, I know you’re hurt. I wish I could fix it, I swear to God. I wish I could make it all different, make what happened not true. If I could … I’d give anything. I’d die to make it right for you and for your mom.”
She started to say something, but he touched her arm.
“If you need to lash out at me, if you need to do anything to me—say anything, throw me off this tower—if it will help even a little, then do it. I don’t care what happens to me anymore. I got what I wanted.”
“What’s that?” she demanded.
“You,” he said. “I got you back safe. The monsters didn’t get you.”
Nix stared at him, unable to speak even though she tried.
Benny tugged the worn leather diary out of his back pocket and pressed it into her hands. “I found this on the floor in your room. I kept it. I … haven’t opened it, haven’t read it. I kept it, because as long as I had it, I knew I’d find you again.”
Nix took the diary, and in the pale light from stars and moon, she ran her fingers across the cover and along the binding. When she raised her eyes to look at Benny, her eyes were wet with new tears.
“Benny, I—,” she began, but before she could say anything more, he bent forward and kissed her. It was the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong circumstances. There was nothing right in their whole world.
Except that kiss.
40