Chloe looked up quickly into her eyes then bowed her head again. With a small finger, she traced a pattern on the back of her mother’s hand. “Mommy, are you ever scared?”
Cathy’s breath caught in her throat. She started to deny it, but something stopped her. In that moment, she sensed that her daughter needed the strictest honesty from her. Very softly, she said, “Yes, baby, I am. All the time.”
“Me, too.”
Tears sprang to Cathy’s eyes. She blinked hard, refusing to let them fall, determined not to further distress her daughter. She drew Chloe up against her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Chloe’s designer hat was a watered silk cap and the fabric felt cool under Cathy’s lips. “Then we’ll be scared together, okay?” Chloe let out a big sigh and settled closer, her head on Cathy’s breast. Eventually, she became boneless in sleep.
The metallic ping of the heart monitor was a monotonous underscore to Cathy’s somber reflections. It seemed to have done her daughter good to be told that she wasn’t the only one who was frightened. She was glad that she had told Chloe the truth. But she didn’t have to like it. What a horrible thing to have to say to your child, she thought. Chloe had so few childish illusions left. Other kids this age just find out that the tooth fairy isn’t real!
Cathy laid her head back and let the hard wall press into her skull. She felt utterly wearied by the long, painful journey that she and Chloe were on. She couldn’t begin to imagine what it felt like to Chloe.
The time that they had spent together, away from the hospital, had almost made it seem that their lives were normal. Almost, she thought bleakly. Cathy let out a rough sigh. That small halcyon sliver of time made this latest return to the hospital that much harder to bear. Undoubtedly that was what had motivated Chloe to ask for such transparency from her. It was a parent’s job to shelter a child against the harshness of life until they were able to stand on their own. She had been stripped of the ability to do that for Chloe a long time ago.
The duty nurse returned to remind her of the time. Cathy gently eased Chloe down, slipped off her daughter’s bed, and left the hospital room.
It was dark and late when Cathy let herself into the apartment. The emptiness echoed. She was upset and on edge. After changing out of her clothes into sweats, she warmed up some leftovers that she didn’t want but ate. Cathy wandered around restlessly, feeling like a caged animal. She wasn’t able to settle to anything, rejecting reading or cleaning to pass the time. She didn’t want to go to bed because she knew all she would do was toss and turn while her conversation with Chloe kept running through her mind. What had made Chloe ask her such a thing, and why tonight?
I need a distraction! She needed to take her mind off the fear and worry that nagged at her. She thrust her hands into her curls and groaned aloud with frustration. Sex with Michael was her opiate of choice. It was the only thing that she had ever found that gave her even a moment of forgetfulness. If she could only go to Michael and let him do for her what he did best, then possibly she would be able to sleep. She desperately needed to sleep. But it was so late, too late to set up anything with him. Maybe there’s a late movie on television. She rejected that idea at once. She wouldn’t be able to sit still long enough to concentrate on a show.
A crazy thought struck her. Cathy ceased pacing, turning it over in her mind. A smile tugged at her lips. She walked into the cramped office and turned on the computer. In minutes, she found what she was looking for, a late-night showing of an action flick. Before she lost her nerve, she called Michael’s number. It was an odd time to get in touch with him, but she didn’t care. The phone rang twice before he picked up. “Michael?”
“Winter?” He sounded surprised. His voice sharpened. “Is something wrong?”
“No, everything is fine.” She spoke the lie without hesitation. She cleared her throat. “I was wondering…would you be up for a late movie?”