The crowd shrieked in approval and support. I grinned at all of them as the next song began. I’d won, not only the confrontation with the guy, but also the crowd’s full respect. I moved to the other side of the stage where a few guys were throwing their hair around and knelt down by them. Glancing to the side of stage I saw Jamie and a few of the other Torn Bowel guys watching. When they saw me looking at them, all of them grinned and pointed at me. I bristled with pride.
I moved back to the centre of the stage and started singing, but when I looked down at the crowd again I saw the asshole smiling at me. He curled one of his hands into a loose fist, brought it up to his mouth, moved it away, then brought it forward again, smiling at me the whole time as he offensively pantomimed what, apparently, I could do to him.
I raised my middle finger with my free hand, continued to sing, moved up to the front of the stage, pressed it directly onto his forehead and shoved. He stepped back. Everyone around us cheered. The guy kept grinning at me and moved his hand down between his legs, grabbed himself, and leered at me.
I snapped.
I threw my microphone to the ground, where it landed with a loud bang and started feeding back. I guess the guy at the sound desk caught this and shut it off immediately. Fern, Edgar, and Socks kept playing, but I felt their eyes on me as I launched myself off the stage, landing directly on the asshole.
He fell backwards and the crowd parted to accommodate us. I landed on top of him but one of my knees smashed on the floor. I barely felt the pain. My eyes were riveted to his face. He clearly hadn’t expected me to leap onto him and he’d hit his head when he fell, stunning him. When his eyes focused on me again, I made sure he saw me hock a huge glob of spit into my palm, and I then slapped his face with it.
I could hear the band continuing to play and I knew we were surrounded by people watching and cheering, but I felt detached from it all. He lay beneath me, trying to wipe the spit off his face, looking up at me in confusion. I wanted him to be disgusted, I wanted that reaction. That regret. The spit hadn’t done it. I was vaguely aware of flashes going off around us. People were taking pictures.
Inspired, I raised my middle finger again, made sure he could see it, and then shoved it into my mouth, as far as I could into the back of my throat. My stomach heaved a little. A scream went up from the crowd around us, but he was still confused. Not afraid.
I shoved my finger down my throat again, and this time I retched a little bit. My eyes started to water. The asshole finally realized what I was going to do and started kicking and flailing, trying to buck me off him. I slapped him again with my free hand, again shoving my finger down my throat.
Finally I vomited a stream of half-digested rice and cucumber sushi all over the guy’s face. Stupidly, he had opened his mouth to cry out, and as I retched, his mouth filled with it. It splattered into his eyes and poured down his cheeks, blinding him. He started to splutter and choke. Everyone around us was going absolutely wild, but again, I was only half-aware of it. Once I had finished puking, I reached to his face with both hands and started rubbing it in, grinding it into his eyes, poking my puke-covered fingers into his mouth to get more of it in. He was blubbering, crying beneath the deafening roar of the crowd and the band playing. I wiped my hands off on his shirt and stood up, leaving him a mess on the floor. I felt hands patting me on the back, and on the head, congratulating me. I climbed back onstage as the song finished. I was glad they’d kept playing.
The crowd went wild when the song was done. “Thanks, guys,” I said, smiling cutely and curtseying as if nothing had happened. I was happy the mike was back on again. It would have been very awkward if it hadn’t been. “We’re Colostomy Hag. Please, please don’t fuck with us.”
TWENTY-NINE
“Holy shit, that was insane,” Jamie said. All the Torn Bowel guys crowded around me, patting my back and talking excitedly. “You fucking puked on that guy, holy shit. That was nuts.”
“Fucking asshole deserved it.”