xXx
I can’t get into what happened after he put his hand over my mouth. I really can’t. But I can tell you how I felt about it. A few minutes after Balthazar climbed on top of me I was fully lucid again. I heard them joke to him about being careful not to get any “diseases” from me. I didn’t know what was going to happen after he was done with me. I was too afraid of them to think about anything other than the fact that they might kill us. I mean, I’d like to say I was running through plans in my mind to get away, to attack him, to summon up all the rage I usually have and break free, to crawl out from underneath Balthazar and escape. But honestly, I thought he would kill me. Have you ever been afraid that someone is going to kill you? I didn’t have any sort of adrenaline rush or anything. It was just pure, simpering fear. I didn’t look at him. I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want to see. My hands were free and I brought them up to my eyes, as if trying to protect my face. I didn’t know what else he was going to do. I was aware of sounds — I heard them talking and sometimes laughing. I heard Fern crying. I didn’t see anything. I could smell his rank, rotten breath as it blew over my neck and hands in warm, erratic waves.
Finally he climbed off me and moved away, and I felt a scratchy cloth hit me. “Clean yourself up,” he laughed, and when I peeked down I saw he’d thrown an old towel onto me. I heard him joke with the other guys that I was “free” if they wanted a “go,” and I felt myself ready to throw up, ready to scream again. I heard other voices joke back that I was “too ugly” and relief filled me for a moment, until I remembered that they might kill us and I covered my face again.
“Grow the fuck up,” Balthazar said, grabbing one of my hands and jerking me up to my feet. I saw Fern standing by the wall, stick-still, her hair covering her face.
“Look at this,” Sid said. “Get them out of here.”
“Get out,” Balthazar said in disgust. Fern stayed completely still by the wall, and I tried as best as I could to snap myself out of it and grabbed her hand.
I pulled the door open, and almost slammed into Jerry, who was returning with the two giggling girls. Would this never end?
Jerry paused and looked at us. I violently pushed my way through the door past him, pulling Fern behind me, and as we burst into the hallway and ran, laughter echoed around us. “I guess it’s 1997 all over again, guys?”
THIRTY-THREE
Fern acted as though she’d been hypnotized, but for some reason, my mind was clear and mechanical. Okay, get back downstairs. Done. Go back into the venue, done. Go to the coat check, hope the girl is still there. She was, cleaning up and looking at us as if we were crazy. Get our backpacks. Done. Get the fuck out. Done.
Don’t think about what just happened. Just get the fuck out.
Fern followed me onto the street, and I put my arm around her. It was chilly. I started walking. I didn’t even know where I was going. I just had to get us away from that place. Away from them right away. My eyes were so wide I felt like a lunatic. My mind raced. Get us out of here.
I found a park, a small long one that followed a path between two buildings. It was dark and there were benches. I led Fern to one. We sat down. She stared straight ahead, and I put my head in my hands. I had a thousand thoughts, a million thoughts, all of them running, racing around, and I couldn’t grab any of them to focus on. I closed my eyes and let them run through me.
“Rachel,” Fern said after a little while.
“Yes.”
“We have to go to the police.”
Yes, we should. That was the first step. “No. We’re not going to the police.”