“Fair enough.” Jack chuckled. “See ya tomorrow then.”
“See you.” I waved goodbye and rummaged through my bag for my headphones while walking down the steps. That was the downside of carrying a large bag—it was impossible to find anything smaller than a full-sized laptop.
My fingers closed around the thin white wires right when I felt a prickle of heat on my neck. An electric awareness I hadn’t felt in months.
No.
I was afraid to look up, but my curiosity got the better of me. My pulse quickened as I lifted my eyes slowly. Higher…higher…and there he was, standing less than three feet away in a black shirt and pants, looking like a god descended from the heavens to wreak havoc on my still-fragile heart.
I swore the poor thing stopped beating.
I hadn’t seen him in person since Philadelphia, and the sight was too much. Too vivid, too overwhelming, too beautiful and horrifying. Those eyes, that face, the way I instinctively stepped toward him before I caught myself…
Oxygen grew scarce. My chest tightened the way it used to when I was near water. I could feel a panic attack coming on, and I needed to leave before I collapsed right there on the sidewalk, but my feet wouldn’t move.
This is a hallucination. It has to be.
That was the only explanation that made sense. Why else would Alex show up in London in front of my fellowship headquarters after half a year of silence?
I squeezed my eyes shut, counted to ten, and opened them again.
He was still here. In London. In front of me.
The panic intensified.
“Hi,” he said softly.
I flinched at the sound of his voice. If looking at him was a punch in the gut, hearing him was like getting steamrolled by a Mack truck.
“You can’t be here.” It was a stupid thing to say since we were on a public sidewalk and it wasn’t like I could ban him from the city of London, but oh, how I wished I could. I was already drowning in him, and it’d been less than five minutes. “Why are you here?”
Alex stuffed his hands in his pockets, his throat flexing with a hard swallow. His eyes flickered with uncertainty as they searched my face for something I wasn’t ready to give. In all the years I’d known him, I’d never seen him look so nervous. “I’m here for you.”
“You don’t need me anymore.” I almost couldn’t hear myself over the thunderous roar of my pulse. I regretted the falafel sandwich I ate for lunch, which threatened to make a messy reappearance. “You got your revenge, and I’m not interested in whatever new game you’re playing. So leave. Me. Alone.”
Pain slashed across his face. “This isn’t a game, I promise. This is just me, asking you for…not forgiveness, not right now. But hope that one day, you won’t hate me and we might get a second chance.” He swallowed hard. “I’ll always need you, Sunshine.”
Sunshine. The word tore at me, ripped off the scabs on my wounds until I bled once again.
Stop calling me Sunshine.
Why?
Because it’s not my name.
I’m aware. It’s a nickname.
“Your promises mean nothing to me.” I wrapped my arms around myself, chilled to the bone even though the sun shone high in the sky. “Even if they did, they’re six months too late.”
I’d lived less than a half-hour’s drive from Alex all those months, and he never once reached out. Now, he showed up in another country asking for a second chance? Unbelievable.
Almost as unbelievable as the small, shameful part of me that wanted to give him that second chance.
Stay strong. I’d survived multiple murder attempts. I conquered my aquaphobia. I could talk to the man who broke my heart without falling apart.
Hopefully.
“I know.” Alex exhaled a shaky breath, his brows drawn tight over his eyes. He looked less polished than usual, with his rumpled hair and faint purple smudges beneath his eyes. I wondered if he’d been getting enough sleep, then mentally kicked myself for caring. His sleeping habits weren’t my business anymore. “I thought I was protecting you. That you were better off without me. After what happened with my uncle, I couldn’t risk you getting hurt again because of your association with me. But I never left you alone. I had someone keeping an eye on you—”
“Wait.” I held up one hand. “You had me followed? ”
“For your protection.”
I couldn’t believe it. “How is that okay? That’s—that’s crazy! How long…oh my God.” My eyes widened. “Do you have someone following me in London, too?”
He stared at me, his face stony.
“Unreal,” I breathed. “You are truly psycho. Where is he?” I looked around frantically. I didn’t see anyone suspect, but the most dangerous people were those who looked anything but. “Call him off. Right now.”
“I already did.”
I narrowed my eyes. That was too easy. “You did?”
“Yes, because I’m taking over his duties. That’s why it took me so long. I had to make…arrangements for my absence in D.C.” Alex’s mouth twitched at my stunned expression. “You’ll be seeing a lot more of me from now on.”
“The hell I will.” The thought of seeing him every day sent me into a tailspin of panic. “I’ll file a restraining order against you. Have you arrested for stalking.”
“You can try, but I can’t guarantee my friends in the British government will comply.” His face darkened. “And if you think I’m leaving you alone and unprotected anywhere, you don’t know me at all.”
“I don’t know you. I have no idea who are you are. I only know the person you showed me, and he was an illusion. A fantasy.” Emotion clogged my throat. “I asked you that day if any of it had been real. You looked me in the eye and told me it was a lesson for the future. So, consider the lesson learned.”
Alex flinched. “It was real,” he said hoarsely. “All of it.”
I shook my head, my chest aching so hard it hurt to breathe. “I realize you’re powerful enough that I can’t stop you from doing what you want, but you’re wasting your time if you think I’ll fall for your lies again.”
“They’re not lies. Sunshine—”
“Don’t call me that!” I couldn’t stem the tide of tears gathering in my eyes. I’d been doing so well, but every second in Alex’s presence eroded the defenses I’d built around my heart until it lay naked and vulnerable once more. “You’ve ruined everything I once thought was beautiful. Sunshine. Love. Even freakin’ red velvet cake, because it reminds me of you. And when I think of you—” A sob ripped from my throat. “I think of every good memory we had and how they’re now tainted by the fact you were using me the whole time. I think of how stupid I was for falling for you and how you must’ve laughed at me when I told you I loved you. And I think of all those times you warned me about being too soft-hearted, but I ignored you because I believed the world was an inherently good place. Well, congratulations.” I brushed the tears from my cheeks, but they fell too fast for me to make much of a dent. Thank God most of my classmates had already left and the surrounding street was empty. “That was the one truth you spoke. I was too soft-hearted, and the world is not the place I thought it was. It’s cruel and it’s vicious, and there’s no place for soft hearts.”
“Sun—Ava, no.” Alex reached for me, but I instinctively recoiled. Hurt filled his face. His hand curled into a fist that he stuffed back in his pocket, and the tendons in his neck stretched taut. I detected a tiny tremble in his shoulders as he spoke. “That was what I believed because I’d never known anything else, but you showed me there is beauty in the world. I see it every time I look at you, or see you smile, or hear you laugh. You believe the best of people and that’s a strength, not a weakness. Don’t let anyone, least of all me, take that away from you.” His eyes burned into mine, bright with pain. “You told me once there was something beautiful waiting for me, something that’ll restore my faith in life. I’ve found it. It’s you.”