Nothing mattered.
Bridget didn’t try to talk to me or feed me platitudes. That would’ve only made things worse. Instead, she let me sit in silence and stare out the window, watching dead tree after dead tree fly by. I couldn’t remember why I liked winter. Everything looked dull and gray. Lifeless.
I made it all the way to the border of Maryland. There, it started raining, the tiny drops sprinkling over the window like scattershot crystals. I remembered the day Alex picked me up when I was stranded in the rain, and I. Broke. Down.
All my pent-up emotion from the past few hours—the past few months— burst forth at the same time. I was an ant swept up in a tidal wave, and I didn’t bother fighting. I let it wash over me—the hurt, the anger, the heartbreak and betrayal and sadness—until my eyes burned and my muscles ached from the force of sobs.
Somehow, I found myself curled up in Bridget’s lap while she stroked my hair and murmured soothing sounds. It would’ve been terribly embarrassing, crying into a royal princess’s lap, except I was beyond caring.
Why was it always me?
What about me made me so damn unlovable? So gullible ?
My favorite color.
Yellow.
My favorite ice cream flavor.
Mint chocolate chip.
You are the light to my dark, Sunshine. Without you, I’m lost.
Lies. All of it.
Every kiss, every word, every second that I had treasured…tainted.
My eyes burned with liquid fire. I couldn’t breathe. Everything hurt, from the outside to the inside, as I sobbed terrible, wretched, soul-wracking tears.
Michael had lied to me. Alex had lied to me. Not for days, weeks, or months, but for years.
Something inside me broke, and I was no longer only crying for my shattered heart but for the girl I used to be—the one who’d believed in light and love and the goodness of the world.
That girl was gone.
37
Alex
I watched Ava leave, my chest hollow, my eyes burning with a foreign, pent-up emotion.
I wanted to run after her and snatch her out of Bridget’s arms. To fall to my knees and beg her forgiveness for the unforgivable. To keep her by my side for the rest of our days so nothing and no one could hurt her again.
Except I couldn’t, because I was the one who’d hurt her. I was the one who’d lied and manipulated. I was the one who’d endangered her with my thirst for vengeance and twisted plans against my uncle.
The only way to protect Ava was to let her go, even if that meant destroying myself.
The car taking Ava back to Maryland and away from me disappeared from sight, and I released a shuddering breath, trying to make sense of the pain clawing at my insides. It felt like someone was ripping out pieces of my heart and soul and grinding them beneath their feet. I had never felt so acutely, so much.
I hated it. I longed for the icy indifference of numbness, but I feared this was my penance—to burn in the flames of my self-inflicted agony for the rest of eternity.
My personal living hell. My own walking damnation.
“Alex.” The head of my Philly team approached me, his movements sharp and precise. He wore a Philadelphia police uniform, the badge gleaming in the afternoon soon, but he was no officer of the law. “The house is ready.”
“Good.” I noticed Rocco staring at me with a strange expression. “What?” I snapped.
“Nothing.” He cleared his throat. “You just look like you’re about to—never mind.”
“Finish the sentence. About to what?” My voice dropped to a dangerous decibel. I had clean-up teams on standby in various cities, ready to swoop in in case any of my many plans went awry. No one knew about them, not even my uncle when he’d been alive. They were discreet, efficient, and looked like normal people who held normal jobs—not fixers who could bury any body, erase any evidence, and jam any communications…including outgoing calls to local police stations.
Every “police officer” and “paramedic” who’d showed up today was on my team, and they’d played their roles convincingly.
Rocco looked like he wished he’d never opened his mouth. “Like you’re about to, ah, cry.” He flinched, no doubt aware that even though he’d intercepted Ava’s 911 call and pulled the team together in record time, that wouldn’t shield him from my wrath.
The fire in my veins matched the burning behind my eyes. I didn’t dignify Rocco’s statement with a response; I merely glared at him until he wilted. “Are there any other foolish observations you’d like to share with me?” My voice could’ve frozen the Sahara.
He gulped. “No, sir.”
“Good. I’ll take care of the house.”
There was a short pause. “Personally? Are you—” He stopped when he saw the look on my face. “Of course. I’ll tell the others.”
While he rounded up the rest of the team, I walked into the mansion where I’d spent the better part of my life. It was home, but it’d never felt like home, not even when my uncle and I had been on good terms.
It made what I had to do that much easier.
Rocco gave me the go signal from outside the entrance.
I retrieved the lighter from my pocket and flicked it open. The smell of kerosene soaked the air, but I didn’t hesitate as I walked to the nearest set of curtains and tossed the flame at the thick gold material.
It was amazing how fast fire could spread across a ten-thousand-square-foot building. The flames licked the walls and ceiling, ravenous in their pursuit of destruction, and I was tempted to stay there and let them consume me. But my sense of self-preservation kicked in at the last minute, and I escaped through the open front door, the scent of charred ashes lingering in my nose.
My team and I stood a safe distance away, watching the proud brick manor burn until it came time to contain it before it spread out of control. The manor sat on acres of private property, and no one would know about the fire until hours, if not days, later. Not unless I told them.
Eventually, I would. It’d be a tragic story of how an errant cigarette caught fire and how the ailing lord of the manor, who’d refused to hire a full staff and lived alone, failed to put it out in time. It would be a small news item, buried in the back pages of the local paper. I’d make sure of it.
But for now, I simply stood and watched the flames incinerate the corpses of my uncle, Camo, and my past until there was nothing left.
38
Alex
Josh’s fist slammed into my face, and I heard an ominous crack before I stumbled back. Blood dripped from my nose and lip, and judging by the pain radiating from the right side of my face, I was going to wake up with one hell of a shiner tomorrow.
Still, I made no move to defend myself while Josh pummeled me. “You fucking bastard,” he hissed, his eyes wild as he kneed my stomach. I doubled over, the breath stolen from my lungs in a wet, crimson-stained gasp. “You. Motherfucking. Bastard. I trusted you!” Another punch, this time to the side of my rib. “You were my. Best. Friend!”
The hits continued until I dropped to my knees, my body a mess of cuts and bruises.
But I welcomed the pain. Reveled in it.
It was what I deserved.
“I always knew you had bad taste,” I rasped. Note to self: work from home until the injuries heal. I didn’t need the office running wild with rumors. Everyone was still whispering about my uncle’s death, which was officially attributed to the fire that’d reduced the manor and everything in it to ashes.
Josh grabbed me by the collar and hauled me up, his face tight with pain and fury. “You think this is funny? Ava was right. You are a psychopath.”
Ava. The name sliced through me like a razor-sharp knife. No physical beating could hurt more than thinking of her. Her face before she walked away would haunt me for the rest of my days, and thanks to my fucking cursed memory, I remembered every detail of every second. The scent of blood and sweat staining my skin, the way her shoulders trembled as she clutched the blanket with white-knuckled hands…the moment the faint light of hope died in her eyes.