But I’m so damn lonely, and I’m not sure I like living by myself.
Being here alone gives me too much time with my thoughts, and those are the hardest nights. Nights when I cry myself to sleep, feeling a physical ache at Reeve’s loss. Despite strong temptation, I haven’t checked social media, and I can’t deny I have gleaned some sense of inner peace from shutting out all that noise.
I miss Reeve so much. I hate admitting it, and I hate myself for missing someone who humiliated and betrayed me, but I don’t know how to force myself to not miss him. All I know is I want it to stop. I’m tired of feeling like this. Sick of missing someone who didn’t appreciate or respect me. Fed up of my happiness being tied to his existence in my life. I know it takes time to heal, and I can’t move on until I’m ready, but I wish I could press the fast-forward button and wake up happy again with all the pain left in the past and a bright outlook for the future.
With that in mind, I decide I need to do better, so I invite Ronan, Ash, and Catriona over for lunch at my place on Saturday.
Cat can’t come as it’s her sister’s birthday, so I set the table for three, heat up the butternut squash soup to accompany the chicken salad sandwiches, and move my sewing stuff into the spare bedroom before they arrive so the apartment looks less messy.
“Fucking hell.” Ronan whistles under his breath as he stands at the floor-to-ceiling window, staring at the stunning view from my open-plan living space. “This place is sick.”
“Ro is right.” Ash’s eyes are out on stalks. “This place is incredible.” She tilts her head to one side. “I don’t mean to be nosy—”
“Yeah, you do,” Ronan quips, interrupting her. “Nosy is your middle name.”
She flips her middle finger up at him before refocusing on me. “I know you have money, because I’ve seen your clothes and you’re the only one who brings an iPad to class, but how wealthy are you?”
“Jesus, Ash.” Ronan strides toward us, shaking his head. “You can’t ask Grace that.”
“It’s okay. It’s not a secret. My parents are wealthy, and I’m fortunate to have grown up without wanting for anything. Mom organized all this for me,” I say, waving my hands around. “I was prepared to live in one of the dorms at Trinity, but they didn’t have any vacancies.”
“I’d take this place over a dorm room any day,” Ash says, arching her back and groaning.
We chat casually as we eat lunch, and I’m enjoying the good-natured banter between the siblings. Ronan fires questions at me about L.A., and I do my best to answer them without giving too much away. He talks animatedly about the band and his plans for stardom. They talk about their crazy family, making me promise I’ll visit the farm one weekend. Every so often, Ash straightens her back and stretches her arms up over her head, and curiosity gets the best of me. “What’s with all the back stretching?”
“Dillon’s lumpy couch doesn’t make for the best sleep,” she replies. “My back is fucking killing me.”
Ronan narrows his eyes to slits. “Try sleeping on the floor in a threadbare sleeping bag.”
“I thought you said you weren’t crashing there anymore after the last time?” A couple of weeks ago, Ash confided that she walked in on Dillon and Jamie tag-teaming Aoife. She had stayed over after a party at their place and stumbled upon them while taking a trip to the bathroom. She swore she was never staying there again. She clammed up after departing that nugget, but I could tell she was hurt. I want to ask her about her history with Jamie, but I stop myself because I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I can’t demand she tells me shit about her life when I’m guarding my secrets so close to my chest.
Audrey says I should tell her. That she’s proven herself in the month since I’ve known her, but I’m still wary. Which makes me feel like a bitch because Ash has done nothing to demonstrate she’s untrustworthy. I know I have trust issues after what Danny did to me, but Audrey pointed out I can’t keep living my life shutting people out. I know not everyone will be like him, but it’s hard to trust people when you’re the daughter of famous parents and the ex-girlfriend of one of the hottest Hollywood stars. I want to tell Ash, but it feels too soon.
“I didn’t see you yesterday to tell you,” Ash explains. “I had to move out of my flat. They found a shitload of asbestos in the building, and it’s not safe to stay there. I slept on Dillon’s couch last night.”
“Your brother didn’t even offer you his room?” Wow, that guy is an even bigger douche than I thought.
“He did, but there’s no fucking way I’m sleeping in his bed. I’d probably get an STD from the sheets.”
“Eww.” My nose scrunches in distaste.
Ronan chuckles. “I don’t think it works like that, sis, and I know Dil’s a lazy bastard, but he’s not a slob. He does wash his sheets.”
“It’s beside the point,” she says, rubbing her shoulders. “Whether I sleep on the couch or Dil’s bed isn’t the issue. They don’t have room for me, and I don’t want you sleeping on the floor every weekend. I need to find a new place.”
“Move in here,” I blurt without hesitation.
Ash’s eyes blink superfast. “What?”
“I have a spare bedroom that’s going to waste.”
“It’s sweet of you to offer, but I can’t afford the rent for a swanky place like this.” Ash works at a local store a few nights a week, and she mentioned her parents give her a contribution toward her flat, but I know money is tight.
“You don’t need to pay anything. The rent is already paid up, and the utilities are covered as part of the agreement. You’d only have to pay for groceries.”
“Wow. That is really generous,” Ronan says.
“I don’t want to sponge off you. It would feel wrong.”
I knew I loved this girl for a reason. “Honestly, Ash. You’d be doing me a huge favor. I don’t like living alone. It’s kinda lonely.”
Her eyes carefully examine mine. “You’re not just saying that?”
I shake my head. “I swear it’s the truth. I would love your company, and the place is big enough that we won’t be in each other’s way.” Reaching across the table, I squeeze her hand. “Please say yes! It would be so much fun.”
“Ow,” Ash exclaims, pinning her brother with a dark look. “Don’t fucking kick me.”
“Someone needs to knock sense into you. Take the room, Ash.”
I stand. “Come and look at it. Maybe that’ll convince you.”
They follow me out to the bedrooms, and I open the door to the spare double room. It’s not as big as my room, but it’s spacious with a king-sized bed, matching bedside tables, and a large closet. It’s been tastefully decorated in shades of white, gray, and pink, and it has an en suite bathroom with a shower.
“Oh my fucking god!” Ash squeals as she enters the room. “Are you kidding me?” She spins around, and her eyes are as big as saucers. “Pinch me, Ro. I must be dreaming.”
Ronan pinches her arm, and she thumps him in the chest. “I was speaking metaphorically, dumbass.” She rolls her eyes, and I grin.
“Test the bed,” I say, knowing I’ve sealed the deal.
“Is this yours?” Ronan points to my sewing supplies. I dumped them on the dresser earlier to clear the dining room table.
“Yep. I like to design and make my own clothes.”
“Get the fuck out!” Ash says when she’s finished rolling around the bed and groaning appreciatively. She jumps off the bed, walking toward us. Her fingers dance across the various materials. “This is so cool. What kind of clothes do you make?”
“Dresses mainly. I made my own gown for prom,” I stupidly admit, and pain spears me through the heart. My face drops as I revisit that night in my head.
Sympathy splays across her face. “You went with your ex?”
I nod. Remembering that night is bittersweet for a heap of reasons now. “I could make you a dress sometime?” I offer, needing to switch topics.
Her eyes widen. “You could make us dresses for the Trinity Ball! It’s black tie, and everyone dresses up.”