“I want a coat,” he says. “A big warm coat.”
I find him the biggest and the warmest, anything to get rid of him. Still he hovers in the house, cracks open a beer, gazes out over the falling yard, admiring the view in near total darkness.
“This is a nice setup.” He turns to grin at me, cosseted in her big black coat. “I’ll have to come back. Say hi.”
“I wish you wouldn’t.”
His face crumples, like he’s really wounded. “Hey, that’s not very nice. You know, in a way, you owe all this to me.”
I mouth the word Sorry but I can’t say it. I move to the door, open it for him. There is a moment when I think he will ask—no, demand—to stay. He looks out the window, transfixed by his inability to see anything. Then a dog barks, and he flinches.
“It’s creepy down here.” The can makes a cracking sound as he squishes it.
To my relief, he starts toward the open door. I’m safe. Then he darts suddenly, inexplicably, toward her body like my life is a farce run on irony, and he reaches toward it, grabs at it. I squeal as he seems to wrestle with it. “I’m taking a blanket,” he explains, and he jerks it hard and the pillows leap up and her face is exposed, wrenched sideways by the upset but still beautifully lit in angelic repose. “Oh, my God.”
I shut the door.
DEMI
He sits on the couch. He has switched to red wine, body-finding booze.
“What were you planning to do with her?” he asks again. This is the one point he is sticking on, as if to emphasize how lucky I am that he showed up.
“I bought zip ties. Trash bags. Bleach.”
“A saw?” He watches me blanch. “I gave her straight H.” He throws back wine from the bottle. “It must have been something else she was taking.”
I don’t say anything, but I do wonder why he followed us, why he waited all day, hoping to run into me, as if he expected something like this to happen.
He scoots forward, heels scraping the floor. “You know what we should do? We should put her in the camp. I bet they wouldn’t even—” He bumps the wine bottle, catches it before it falls. “I bet you they wouldn’t even look into it if they found her there.”
“They’d still ID her. They’d find out she’s some rich woman. Then they’d care.”
He slips a crinkled rectangle of aluminum foil out of his pocket, sticks a short plastic straw in his mouth and chases heroin with a lighter, then sits back with bright eyes like he’s been enlightened. “We take off her fingers. Take out her teeth. I had a friend once burned to death by a heater in his tent. We could set her on fire.”
“That’s horrible.”
He scowls. “I’m trying to help you.”
I say nothing. I know he’s right. I need him; that’s the worst part.
He nods, as if my silence is agreement; then he runs another line of heroin and coughs. “You got ID on you?”
“Hers?”
“No, yours. We put her in your tent. Leave your bag outside with all your shit in it, personal stuff, whatever you got. They got a license, cops don’t need to ID the body.” He claps his hands together. “Open, shut.”
“But what if they do ID it? Once the body leaves here, we lose control.”
He leans back on the couch. “Do you know how many homeless people die in this city? Ha.” His shoulders jerk on the laugh. “You think they ID every body? They don’t even count. They don’t want anyone to guess how many people actually live on the street.”
My resolve wobbles. This isn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want Michael. I wanted her life for mine. I wanted control. “Maybe we should just leave. Leave the body. Leave the apartment. Take a few things with us.”
He smirks. “I won’t stop you.”
“You’re staying?”
He shrugs. “When a tornado drops a house on you, you live in it.”
“What if we get caught?”
“The police don’t have time to look into everything, especially in this town. People govern themselves; most of them are just too dumb to realize it.” He taps his temple with his finger. He reminds me of my dad, the things I loved and hated about him, the things I envied.
“What about the people upstairs?”
“They’re rich, right? They won’t even notice. Rich people live in a different world.” I want to live in that world. I want to live in a world where I can step over a body, not look need in the eye, where I can be free of want, free of me.
He gets to his feet.
“What are you doing?”
“We’re doing this. We’re doing it now.”
I move to stop him; then I stop moving. He’s right. If I’m going to do this, I need to do this now. And I need his help.
Her keys are by the door, where she dropped them when she came in. She has a BMW with an automatic unlock button. I can walk up to the street and find her car. I can park down below the yard. We can load up her body, take her to the camp, take her anywhere.
Maybe I can trust Michael. He has looked out for me. He directed me to a tent the night I was too sick to keep walking. In a way, he has kept an eye on me all along.
He saw me even when I was invisible. It’s unfortunate that this is the best I can get.
“Okay,” I agree.
He smiles from one end of his mouth to the other.
He walks to her body, kneels down over her. He peels back her sleeve, weaves his fingers around her wrist. “You idiot,” he says, and I think he is talking to her. “She’s not dead.”
And then he slides his huge hands up her face and cracks her neck.
DEMI
I am screaming inside, screaming so loud I can’t hear anything. And it’s like I’m dreaming. Then it’s like I’m too awake. Then I’m dreaming again. And I have a choice: wake up or keep dreaming.
“What do you mean, she’s not dead?” I rush to the body. It feels warm. Warm all of a sudden and she tricked me, she lied to me, she made me believe she was dead. “She’s alive?”
He sits back on his haunches, stretches toward the bottle of wine. “She was probably in a coma or something. Brain-dead.” Had she really been alive this whole time? Did I know? How could I not?
I touch her and she’s cold again and I don’t know what to think. Maybe it was the blanket that made her seem warm. I didn’t even check her pulse when I found her on the floor. I just dragged her away so I could pee in private. “What did you do?”
“You saw me do it.”
“What did you do?”
“You saw me do it.” He sips his wine. “This could make you.”
“Did you just . . . kill her?”
He shrugs “I helped you. You asked for my help and I helped you.”
I stand up, move away from her. My body is shaking, wildly shaking, but that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that I know it will stop eventually. All bad things do. It will stop. And this will just be yet another bad thing that happened to me. Add it to the list.
I shake my head. “This is my fault.”
“This is your blessing.” He takes his foil from his pocket, gently unfolds it. “That’s the problem with you, y’know? You’re poor-minded. You look at things and see the worst.”
“You killed her.”
He slips his straw between his lips. “Be optimistic.”
I gag.
He lifts the foil. “Everything happens for a reason.” He flicks his lighter on and chases a thick black line. “Be the reason.”
* * *
THE TRUTH IS, nothing has changed. Whether or not she was dead before, she is dead now. My options are the same. My need of Michael is the same. I can’t bring her back to life if she is dead again.
Instead, I find a hammer at the back of the cupboard beneath the kitchen sink. Michael agrees to knock out her teeth if I will cut off her hands.
“And her feet, just in case,” he adds.
At first it is sickening, wrenching and disturbing. But slowly it becomes just a task, just something you do, like anything: right.
“You’re fucking it up,” I say. “You can’t leave pieces. You have to take the whole tooth.”
“I’m taking most of it. Do you know how deep roots go? I should just detach her jaw.”
“No.”
And later: “They keep breaking! I want to keep one for a necklace, but they keep breaking.”