My outburst led me to another pinch of pain that made me pass out for a few minutes. I came to while oil was being dumped onto my feet to “expunge the vessels on which I touch holy ground.” Then, clothing is tossed at me. I debate fighting them on changing, but the queen’s obviously looking for any reason to use her power on me. I have no hope of recovering unless I can play nice.
So, I groggily strip out of my sopping wet clothes to pull them on, and as soon as my old clothing lands on the floor with a plop, one of the Matrons hurries over to gather them up and then tosses them into the fire, making it hiss and steam.
There’s gauze-like material to bind my breasts, but I ignore that. There’s also not one, but three layers of different kinds of underwear. I go with one, much to their chagrin. Then I pull on a dark gray cowled dress that covers me from neck to ankle, the sleeves cinched unpleasantly at the wrists, the color apparently signifying the taint of my spirit.
Lovely.
I should probably be more afraid, but I’m more angry than anything else. I’m really tired of monarchs using me for their own narratives, when all I’ve ever wanted was to be left the fuck alone.
Now that I’m dressed, the Matrons surround me and start herding me out of the room. The residual soreness throughout my body makes me shuffle forward, hunched and wavering. I won’t deny the fact that the queen did a number on me. The well of my magic feels like it’s been stretched and squeezed, gummed up in a too-narrow tube. Yet I have to do something. Have to hope I can recover enough that my gold-touch will work. I probably shouldn’t have talked back so thoroughly, but I couldn’t help myself.
I tell myself not to open my mouth again. To bide my time so I can recover. Yet as soon as I pass through the archway to the outdoors, the queen’s magic crushes back into me.
As if she somehow knew what I was planning, she suddenly attacks. Her power cinches me like a too-tight corset, cutting off my ability to breathe, making my heart feel like it’s being fisted in someone’s cruel hand.
I gasp, falling over into the Matrons to my right, their robed bodies staying straight and firm, a knock of elbows and shoulder bones smacking me back in my tiny circle between them. It’s a wonder I stay on my feet, taking gasping, short breaths that make me feel like I’m going to hyperventilate. It’s just enough pinching pain to make my body panic, to make it difficult to focus, yet it’s also subtle enough to not knock me down into unconsciousness.
Pain is a pyramid, she said. And she’s stacking more on top of me, brick by brick, like she sees my suffering as some shrine to her own power.
The oppressive heat doesn’t help. It presses down on my wet hair and prickled body, my bare feet burning against the tile as we walk along the outdoor path. I don’t pay attention to where I’m being led. I simply follow the white and gray striped sheep, trying to focus through the pain.
Although the heat is almost oppressive, the sunlight seems to invigorate me. Like it’s tapping into something deeper, sinking into my skin and shining on that beast inside of me.
Because for me, the sun has always equaled power.
And in this world, if you don’t have power, you don’t survive.
I was shut away from it for ten years. Blocked away, kept apart in a snow-doomed kingdom where the sky was always covered with oppressive clouds. Before that, I lived at a harbor that dumped out rainwater and flooded the streets. Yet here...this is where my magic came out. Here is where my gold first came and my ribbons first sprouted. This is where it all began. So even though my time in Second Kingdom was traumatic then, maybe there was a reason why my fae power ignited while I was baking beneath its sun.
Despite the queen’s leash of pain, I channel into the sunlight instead. Think only of that, of it soaking into me and giving strength. Then I try to muster up enough gold, try to tap into it and ignore everything else.
To my elation, a few droplets gather against my fingertips, and I roll the thick beads between my thumb and fingers, finding comfort in its presence, no matter how little the amount, no matter how thick and gunky it seems.
All of my concentration is on my gold, gathering painfully slow drops. I’m hoping the Matrons are taking me back to my room or to continue their gods-awful rituals somewhere else, something to give me more time to gather myself and my power.
But instead, we veer further outside, down the tiled path that’s patched with intermittent shadows cast off from the plants, while an unbroken cacophony of cicadas buzzes through the air. Sweat starts gathering at the back of my neck as I’m herded, my frizzy strands of wet hair sticking to my skin, my cinched sleeves dampened at my wrists.
My feet are on fire. The only saving grace is that the stickiness of the oil has made the fine sand stick to them, giving the only protective layer I have. I try to focus my magic to my soles next, urging the gold to coat the undersides. Yet I can’t get a thick enough layer to do much, though I hope I’m leaving stained footprints behind me to taint their way.
The queen apparently gets bored with my suffering in silence, because she releases the pinch on my heart and changes it until it feels like something has latched onto my spine and dug in its nails, tipped ends pressing sharply into me.
This time, I have no choice but to whimper, back arched slightly, feet faltering. I’m pushed from behind, urged incessantly forward, while every step makes my spine bite and needle.
I know the queen is behind me, watching my every move, probably getting some sick satisfaction from the noise I made. I transfer the small ball of gold from my left hand and add it to the collection in my right, and while it’s only the size of a blueberry, it’s something.
But with all my concentration focused on enduring the pain and keeping my small clump safe in my hand, I realize belatedly that I’m not walking on sandy tiles anymore. I’m walking on clay stairs, and the noise I’m hearing isn’t just cicadas anymore.
It’s people.
A lot of people.
I look behind me, seeing the single-level castle draped across the feather-soft sand dunes and blended with a bounty of vegetation hugged around the sparkling water of an oasis.
But before me, down this steep outdoor staircase, is a sprawling metropolis. Far off in the horizon, I can see just a sliver of the sea. It streaks across the edge, separating the land and sky. All the way from here to there, there are blocks of flat-roofed buildings spread out in such a vast collection that I can’t even fathom how many people must live here.
The buildings are the same color as the sand they’re surrounded by, yet with pops of bright yellow and blue paint. The streets look like copper rivers woven through, and there are flags with their yellow sun emblem, as well as the official sigil of Second Kingdom—two concentric circles, one inside another, representing the great Divine overlapping all of life.
But the building nearest us, the one this path leads to, is surrounded by a sea of people collected beneath giant canvases stretched between pillars. Just in front is a circular building, and from my vantage point up here, I can see a short wall that circles around it all, its joined architecture clearly reminiscent of the kingdom’s sigil.
I can’t go a single step now without grimacing and hissing out breath. The oil and sand is no match for the brutal heat of the sunbaked tiles. I can’t even rush, because the Matrons are setting the pace, and they either don’t care about my feet or it’s all part of my burning walk of shame.