This is new to me. Forgiveness. I learned as a kid that it’s so much easier to see the world in black and white. It’s safer to stay away from people who have hurt you, because otherwise, they can just do it over and over and over again.
But I don’t think Zack will. And I understand how all the pain and the hurt and the grief could have twisted his brain into thinking rejecting me was the right thing to do.
I trust him.
SEVENTY-SEVEN
LAYLA
Eventually, the kiss ends. I pull away from him slowly. He swallows, looking down at me.
“I love you,” I tell him. My heart is pounding so hard it hurts. “I love you. Love you.”
“God.” He clasps me against him. His chest shudders with hard breaths. “I could hear you say that until the day I died and it wouldn’t be enough.” He rubs his throat. “You know what Em would be saying, if she were here right now?”
“Get off my man, you bleach-blonde skank?”
He smiles, his eyes glistening. “Congrats. Ya big idiot. Or something to that effect.”
Tears fill my eyes. I don’t know what to say, so I just kiss him again.
When I finally pull away, my skin is fizzing. Zack stays at my back, stroking my arms as I turn to Luke. He’s sitting on the arm of the sofa, watching me, his face calm. The silvery strands of hair falling over his forehead are gilded in the low yellow light of the lounge’s side-lamp, and the sleeves of his white shirt are rolled to his elbows, exposing his strong forearms.
He looks edible. All I want to do is throw myself at him. But I don’t get to do that anymore.
His eyes run over my face, as if he’s drinking me in. “Is it my turn?”
“If you want one.” I meet his gaze steadily. “I meant it, when I said that I love you. I do. But I understand that a relationship with me looks bad to Amy, and the school, and your old teacher friends. It’s a bit of a shitty reason, in my opinion, but I get it.” I grit my teeth. “But if you have any concerns about me being too hot, or flighty, or easy, or whatever the Hell else, then you can go right to Hell. And I don’t think we can be friends anymore, either.”
He closes his eyes. “Love, this was never about Amy. It was about me. I was scared of you.”
“Scared of me?” I repeat incredulously.
He dips his head. “Yes. Please, believe me when I say that never for one second did I believe anything that Amy said about you. My decision to break up with you was entirely to do with my own issues. Going to that wedding, and seeing all those people again, just rubbed salt into a wound I thought I’d gotten over. I felt…” He trails off. “Well. To be honest, I felt stupid.”
“What?”
His grey eyes gleam. “I felt stupid for marrying Amy. Right before I broke it off with you, Amy told me that, during our entire marriage, she never once loved me. I was just a convenient choice. And everyone around me could see it. All of the signs were there. All the red flags. Hell, you were a sixteen-year-old girl who barely knew either of us, but I bet you knew she wasn’t a good person, didn’t you?”
I don’t say anything.
He sighs. “So, yes, I felt stupid. I felt like a total idiot, and I was defensive and embarrassed and scared of making the same mistake again. When Zack broke up with you, it felt like a perfect out. I chose wrong. I’m sorry.” He runs a hand through his hair. He looks tired. “I… I didn’t want to fall in love again. Right now, I’m content with my books and my friends and my work. This is enough. I wanted to keep it this way.” He smiles weakly. “But I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with you, even if I tried. And I’m a coward for not admitting it to myself. Layla, you are so much braver than all three of us.”
I swallow thickly. “I’m scared of you, too,” I tell him honestly, and his face falls. “I’m scared you’ll change your mind about me again.”
“I’d marry you right now if I could,” he says evenly, and my heart flips.
Zack’s grip on me tightens. “Hey, I’m right here, can you not propose to my girlfriend?” He growls.
Luke ignores him. “I know you’re right for me, Layla. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you, if that’s what you need.”
I nod slowly. “You trust me?” I ask. “Not to hurt you, or cheat on you, or—”
He shakes his head vehemently. “Jesus, Layla. Yes, always. It never crossed my mind not to.” Something tight inside me eases, and I step forward. He flinches, like he wants to reach for me, but doesn’t know whether he can.
“I trust you, too,” I tell him, looping my arms around his neck.
With a soft noise, he wraps his arms around me, tugging me onto his lap. I bury my face in his chest. He smells heavenly. Of books and tea and warm linen and home. I want to burrow into his shirt and never leave again.
“I love you,” he says into my hair, and I nod.
“I love you too. Do this to me again, and I’ll throw you on the street so fast you’ll find gravel up your asscrack.”
His eyes soften, and he pulls me in for a kiss. Behind me, Zack steps forward and starts making out with my neck. I sag between the two men, letting them hold me up. Their words spin through me, pounding through my blood in time with my heartbeat. I love you. I love you. I love you.
It’s almost enough. There’s just one piece missing.
SEVENTY-EIGHT
JOSH
I slip out of the lounge, leaving Zack and Luke to make up with Layla, and head back to my bedroom. Shutting the door behind me, I slump down into my desk chair, turning to face my open laptop. The room is dark, cut through with shadows, but I can’t bring myself to turn on the light. My heart is heavy. My mind is whirring.
I absolutely hate myself.
The reality of what I’ve done didn’t really hit me until Layla walked back in through the apartment door. Instead of falling into our arms, she looked around at us like she expected us to hurt her. Her face was guarded. Distrustful.
Of course she didn’t trust us. Zack might have been acting like a prick recently, but he was right about one thing: I’ve lied to Layla non-stop for the past two months. I took advantage of her. I told her I was ‘helping her’, but really, I was just helping myself. I was in love with her, and I used these stupid ‘lessons’ as an excuse to kiss her and hold her and have my way with her. Layla shouldn’t trust me.
Zack and Luke both made one-time mistakes in the heat of the moment. I’ve been lying to her for years. Ever since I started falling for her.
I hate that this is the man I’ve become. I didn’t used to be like this. I wasn’t always a coward. Before my mum died, I was almost painfully honest. I’d tell the truth, even if it hurt me in the long run. But now, here I am twelve years later, and I’m lying to get a girl to kiss me? I’m disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I don’t deserve her forgiveness.
I don’t know how long I sit there, listening to the muffled talking and laughing and kissing through the thin walls. Eventually, the noises stop. I brace myself as I hear my bedroom door creak open behind me, fixing my eyes blankly at my black laptop screen.
“You love me,” Layla says softly.
I don’t look up. I don’t know what to say.
She leans in the doorway, watching me. “How long?”
“A long time,” I admit.
“Look at me.”
Steeling myself, I obediently spin my desk chair to face her. She scowls when she sees my carefully empty expression. “Don’t do that,” she snaps.
“What?”
“Don’t…” she waves a hand over her eyes, exasperated. “Go blank. You look so guarded.” Her eyes narrow. “I’ve been your friend for years. I’m one of the only people you let see what you’re feeling, so stop trying to hide it from me. I’ve earned it, goddamnit.”
I blink.
With a huff of annoyance, she stomps forward into the room, coming to stand right in front of me. “You lied to me,” she accuses.
I nod slowly.
She crosses her arms, glaring. “Are you okay?”
I stare at her. “Am I… You’re worried about me?”
“Yes, I’m worried about you! You let me use you like some kind of… crash test dummy. You let me practise kissing, and flirting, and sex with you, and it actually meant something to you. Hell, it must have hurt you!”