“Laine, we just decided on a plan. Now you’re saying that maybe that’s not the plan, after all? I’m not trying to pressure you, but this really throws a wrench in everything.”
“And yet you are pressuring me,” I said gently. “Hadley, I’m sorry, but yes—I am having second thoughts about moving to New York. I didn’t put nearly enough thought into that before saying yes. And the more I think about it, the more I have to admit that I really don’t want to.”
“Why? What’s that about?” she said, and I was willing to bet my meager savings that she asked her clients that in the exact same tone she’d just used on me.
The minivan in front of me had a “Baby on Board” sticker affixed to the back window. I couldn’t help but wonder if the universe was trying to tell me to keep speaking up. “I want to have a baby,” I said.
“You do?” squealed Hadley. “Laine, that’s amazing! You’re going to be the best mother. And our babies won’t even be that far apart! They’ll grow up together—won’t that be so great?”
I’ll admit, my sister’s enthusiasm made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But that warmth still didn’t fix the inherent problem. “Not so fast, cowgirl,” I said. “I don’t know how I can possibly take care of Mom and a baby. And given my argument with Mom, I’m not sure I want to.”
“I know there’s a lot to work out, but we can figure it out,” said Hadley. “One second.” She started cooing at the twins, and when one of them gurgled in the background, I could swear I felt a twinge in my left ovary. “The main thing is for you to be there at night, and that wouldn’t be that hard, would it? Especially if Josh was there with you. Wait—so does this mean you’re not going to get divorced?”
“That’s the other issue,” I said. “The reason I told Josh I wanted a divorce was because he still wasn’t ready to have a kid. And I’d been mentioning it to him for years now.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier, Laine? Here I was thinking you’d lost your mind.”
I gripped the steering wheel and steeled myself to tell her the truth. “I didn’t tell you guys because I was worried you’d tell Josh the reason, and I didn’t—I don’t—want him to say yes out of obligation. I want him to want it, you know?” After the conversation he and I had the other day, I still wasn’t 100 percent sure that he did. But maybe a few days apart would bring clarity to both of us.
“Oh, Laine. You don’t give me enough credit. If you told me not to say anything, I wouldn’t have. And Piper . . . well, actually . . .”
“Yeah, she totally would have blabbed,” I said.
Hadley laughed. “Fair enough. Laine, I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you, but don’t get too excited just yet. First, I need to figure out my marriage. Second, I need to actually get pregnant, and you of all people know that can be easier said than done.”
“One more reason for you to move to New York! Trust me, you do not want to go through this alone. I can help you. And I have the best fertility guy—I’ll send you his info.”
All of a sudden, I felt choked up. I should’ve turned to Hadley sooner, but at least she was here for me now. “Thanks, Had. That means a lot to me.”
“Don’t thank me,” she said. “Just come home soon.”
I pulled into my driveway hours later, worn out and woozy from driving. When I got inside, I set Belle’s urn on the mantel, then peeled off my sweat-soaked clothes and got in the shower. I stood there so long that the hot water ran out and my skin turned bright pink. Afterward, I wrapped myself in a towel and wandered around the town house. Why had I agreed to paint the walls red, when it only made the tiny living and dining rooms look that much smaller? And a green plaid couch—really? Were we going for hunting lodge chic?
Oh right: I’d said yes because Josh had wanted them. I could still remember his smile at the store, and how he’d looked so pleased with his furniture find that I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I hated it on sight.
But that wasn’t Josh’s fault—not even a little. It was mine.
My eyes landed on the spot in the corner of the living room where one of Belle’s many dog beds had been. Josh had suggested putting the bed away—it was too morbid to leave it there, he claimed. I supposed I could’ve put a plant in its place, or maybe some kind of decorative vase to fill the void, but I’d left it empty. I went to the front closet, pulled out the dog bed, and dragged it back over to the corner. “There,” I said as I stood back and admired my work. “That’s more like it.”
My eyes landed on the urn on the mantel—and damned if it didn’t seem like that urn was staring at me with the same knowing expression Belle always used to make.
“You’re right,” I said to it. “Ugly couch or no ugly couch, it’s going to be hard to leave this place. We had some good times here.”
I could hear my phone ringing in the other room. I let it go to voicemail in case it was my mother calling to find out when I was coming back. I was hurting, but she was, too, and I knew when I heard her voice I’d want to do something to ease her pain—even if it was at my own expense. I couldn’t ignore her or steer clear of her forever.
But right now, I needed a little more time to take care of myself.
TWENTY-ONE
LAINE
When I went out for coffee the following morning, I couldn’t help but notice how very good it was to be back in Michigan. I could find a parking spot without circling for twenty minutes! I didn’t have to put up with other people trying to cut in front of me in line! The woman at the counter took my order with a smile! It was all so pleasant. And yes—so easy to imagine having a child here.
But as I drove home, it occurred to me that maybe that had less to do with the Midwestern pace and more to do with the fact that I didn’t have to interact with my mother. As I’d anticipated, being away from her had given me a chance to think. Trouble was, the more I thought, the more I had to admit that I really didn’t want to move to Brooklyn, even for a year, and that was not just about when and where I wanted to start a family.
I wasn’t even angry with my mother anymore; not really. I was just so very disappointed. I’d once heard Hadley remark that disappointment was a more palatable form of sadness, and I supposed that was true. I’d always understood that I wasn’t at the top of my mother’s priority list, but to find out that my heart had been at the very bottom . . . that was one thing I didn’t want time to think about.
Yet moving back was what I’d agreed to do—and my sisters were counting on me. And now Hadley was saying she’d help me with the pregnancy, even if I didn’t have a baby with Josh. How could I possibly say no to that, especially knowing that I was only agreeing to a temporary stay?
After I let myself inside the town house, I called Josh to see how things were going. I’d been expecting him to call—more than once—to find out how to use the coffee maker and whether to make my mother breakfast and all the other daily details that I normally would’ve handled. But he hadn’t reached out.
“Everything’s fine, Laine,” he said, and he did sound awfully calm. “Mom seems pretty normal, to be honest. She went to bed at nine, so it’s not like there was an opportunity for her to do anything strange last night. And we had a nice little chat over coffee this morning. Honestly, I know I saw her slip up while you were here, but she seems better than ever.”
Hearing him say this made me feel less guilty for having flown the coop. Still . . . “Where is she now?” I asked. He hadn’t lowered his voice when talking about her, so I assumed she wasn’t nearby.
“She went out to get bagels.”
I pictured Georgie’s empty storefront. What if she was wandering around, lost and confused in her own neighborhood? “And you let her?”
“Of course I did. Isn’t that what she’d been doing before you came to Brooklyn? She’s been living alone for years now.”
“True,” I allowed.