They still speak so much of her and who she is.
A soft woman with a secret wild side.
“So this is where you lived all this time.”
She gives me the stink eye. “That’s not what should be important right now.”
“Then what is?” I step to her and she visibly swallows. “I think it’s hot to see where you sleep every night in nothing but shorts. Maybe even naked?”
“S-stop it.” Her voice is breathy, but arousal coats it.
My hand reaches forward and I wrap it around her throat, squeezing the sides a little. She briefly closes her eyes, releasing a chopped exhale, and I tighten my hold. I need to feel her, to be able to breathe again, but the fact that she’s relieved as well? That when she opens her eyes, they’re filled with a wave of longing that’s as strong as mine? Those facts nearly make me go crazy.
And I have to grip her harder, to sink my fingers into her flesh and make sure she’s here.
She’s right here.
“Knox…I…”
“Shhh.” I place a finger to her mouth and push her back with my hold on her throat.
A yelp echoes in the air as she trips on the edge of the bed and falls on her back. I follow with her, my free hand gripping her hip.
She slams her hands on my chest. “D-don’t.”
“Don’t?”
“Don’t turn me onto my stomach. I want to look at you,” she whispers, her tone as vulnerable as the look on her face.
My fingers dig into her hips and I’m about to refuse that, I’m about to do as I’m used to, but something stops me.
The pleading in her eyes, the vulnerability in them.
Also, a part of me is fighting it, too. It’s the same part that couldn’t survive without her and has turned my life into a living hell since she’s been gone.
Her palms flatten on my chest and she softens her voice. “I know, Knox…I know about your past and why you find it hard to get close and I understand, I—”
“Stop talking.” The rage from earlier resurfaces again and this time, it’s for entirely different reasons.
The shadows swirl around my head in a thick fog with the need to hurt her.
To shut up the woman who shouldn’t have seen them in the first place.
But I clamp that need down, my fingers flexing so I don’t hurt her. “How the fuck do you know?”
“P-Papa…he can find out everything about anyone.”
“Fuck.” My fist clenches and I realize it’s on her throat. She’s wheezing, her face reddening from the lack of air, and I release her with a jerk and start to sit up, but she grabs my cheeks, pulling me back down.
I use my arms to keep from crushing her with my weight, but Anastasia doesn’t stop there, she doesn’t stop with her fingers stroking my face or when her tits are inches from my heaving chest.
Her eyes trap mine and her voice trembles a little when she speaks, “It’s okay, you don’t have to hide from me. You don’t have to look the other way or be ashamed of who you are.”
“Even though I was a whore?”
“You weren’t.” The certainty and power in her voice stabs me in the fucking part of my chest I thought died twenty years ago. “You were an abused child and it wasn’t your fault. It was theirs, your mother’s and whoever she brought over. Just like it was my stepfather’s fault that my mom was abused and beaten to death. It’s never the victim’s fault, no matter what anyone says.”
I wipe the tears that have escaped her lids with my thumb. “Don’t cry, not for this.”
She shakes her head, her hold tightening on my cheeks. “Don’t you get it? Ever since I learned about your past, I couldn’t sleep at night. I wanted to run away again, to find you and just hold you close. If I could, I would take it all for myself so you wouldn’t have to be shackled by it anymore. Your pain is mine, Knox. I feel it deep in my heart and I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“I have.”
“No, you haven’t. You just pretend you have, and I know it’s a coping mechanism, but I just want you to know that it’s okay if you’re tired of holding the mask in place. It’s okay if you want to drop it and just be you. I won’t look the other way. I promise.”
My hand finds her throat again, and I revel in the gulp and slight moan she releases. “You’re a fucking nuisance, did you know that? You’re not supposed to go digging in the darkest parts of me.”
“They’re still you and that’s all I care about.”
Well, fuck.
Just when I thought this woman couldn’t engrave herself under my skin any deeper, she goes ahead and digs herself a cozier nook where I’ll never be able to remove her.
And I want to shake her for it.
“You shouldn’t like those parts of me, not when I hate them myself.”
“You don’t get to tell me what I like about you.”
“Are you sure about that, Anastasia? Because there’s a shitload of fucking skeletons in my closet that you didn’t even know existed. I’ve been in bed with my demons for as long as I lived, ever since I was a clueless fucking child who still didn’t know what the world is all about. Ever since I had strange men touch me inappropriately and was too weak to stop them and save myself or my sister.”
“But you did.” Her voice is low, but it’s determined, as if she’s making sure to drive a point home. “You ran away. You saved both yourself and your sister. When no one stepped up to be your hero, you became one yourself. So no, Knox, you won’t scare me away. Those skeletons? I want to see them. And those demons? I will eventually chase them away.”
My jaw aches from how much I’m clenching it. I want to tell her no, that she’s not allowed near my fucking demons or else they will swallow her whole, but judging by the assertiveness written all over her delicate features, there’s no way in fuck I would change her mind.
And it boggles the shit out of me. The fact that she wants me, that she won’t shy away from any part of me.
Hell, she even wants to see me. All of me.
Not only the beautiful fa?ade or the charming character, but also every fucked up side I’ve swept under the rug for decades.
Bloody decades.
And yet, she manages to drag everything out in no time.
“Besides,” she continues. “Those who pick and choose what parts of you to keep and what to throw away should rot in the darkest pit of hell. Because those parts? Those are what made you the man you are. Those are what brought you to Jersey the day I decided to go against my upbringing and do one thing for me, not for my family or what’s expected of me. You are that thing, Knox. That night might’ve been about sex, but it was so much more afterward. You showed me things I didn’t know existed and opened my eyes to the world. You gave me the safety I didn’t realize I was searching for.”
“Then why did you leave?”
“I told you. It was to protect you.”
I squeeze my fingers on the side of her neck, my voice tight. “Can’t you fucking understand that what you’ve done is no different than stabbing me and letting me bleed to death? I got so used to your lively presence and nerdy talk, and now that you’re gone, my flat feels like a tomb. I used to fall asleep listening to you narrate those long fantasy books in an awed tone, but now I can’t sleep anymore. So I smell your orange shampoo like a damn junkie to get a whiff of you and still fail to fill the gap you fucking left behind. So if protecting me means I’ll live without you, I don’t fucking want it.”
A lone tear slides down her cheek. “Knox…”
I cut her off with my lips on hers and I kiss her with a ferocity that hardens my dick and tightens my balls. I kiss her while holding her neck, and she continues to clutch my cheeks.
I kiss her until she’s struggling for air and her tongue is so entangled with mine, I don’t know where she starts and I end. But she kisses me back with the same heat, my Anastasia, as if she’s waited as much as I have for a taste, for a fragment of what we have.
Still kissing her, I reach between us and lift her dress to her waist. She mindlessly clutches my belt and helps me unzip my trousers and free my hard cock.