“Sex, Kaya.” This time I do roll my eyes as I make a right on the street the sandwich shop is on. “He never really tried to take it to the next level.”
“Really? Huh.” Kaya seems surprised.
I don’t know why. I’ve given her plenty of information about my relationship with Ben. The writing’s been on the wall for a long time—we’re not meant to be. We’re better off as friends. I know that sounds like a total cliché and a line of bullshit, but it’s true. And though Ben was disappointed and made a halfhearted attempt at asking me if we could try to make it work, we ended up both agreeing we’re better off as friends.
Which is cool, you know? I’d rather be his friend than have him be a mortal enemy. I do care about him. A lot. I just know that we didn’t work as boyfriend and girlfriend.
Hopefully he feels the same way.
I’ve been free since late June, when we split, and I haven’t really tried to get with anyone else. It’s been kind of nice, not having to deal with a boyfriend. Kaya has no idea what that’s like, since she and Jaden have been together for years.
Years.
That’s just crazy.
I park my Jeep and we enter the crowded restaurant, spotting Daphne who’s already waiting in line. There’s a few other seniors but it’s mostly filled with business people, since it’s prime lunch hour. Daphne, Kaya and I order our sandwiches and then find a tiny table to wait for our numbers to be called.
“Why didn’t you try to pursue it?” she asks.
I frown. “What are you talking about?”
Daphne’s frowning as well, since she’s walking into this mid-conversation. “Yeah, what are you talking about?”
Kaya glances over at Daphne. “Ben and Autumn never had sex.”
Daphne’s eyes practically bug out of her head. “Are you serious right now?”
“Why is this such a big deal?” I shrug. “So we didn’t have sex. So what?”
“You guys were together a long time,” Daphne points out.
“And why didn’t you try to pursue having sex with Ben? You can make the first move too, you know.”
“Maybe I didn’t want to?” I wince. “Is that bad?”
“I mean, kind of. Daphne’s right. You two were together for like a year. Did you not like him that way?” Kaya seems genuinely perplexed.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “It’s hard to explain. He was like my—cuddly friend. The guy I could kiss and hang out with and who was always there for me, but did I want to jump his bones and fuck around at all hours of the day and night with him? No. He never made me feel that way,” I explain.
It feels good to admit that. I wondered if something was wrong with me. Ben really is a great guy. He’s nice, he gets along with everyone, he’s cute, he’s smart. I should be totally in to him, but I’m not.
I could blame it on a certain someone, but that’s like using the certain someone as an excuse, and I don’t want to do that.
“There’s nothing wrong with having a cuddly friend,” Daphne says brightly, and I know she’s trying to make me feel better.
Kaya sends her a look. “It’s kind of weird.”
“I don’t think I was really in love with him,” I confess, making both of them turn and gape at me.
“I can’t believe you never told us that before,” Kaya says just as they call her order number.
“There are a lot of things I’ve never confessed to you before,” I say under my breath as all three of us get up and approach the pickup counter. My number is called immediately after hers, with Daphne’s called after mine.
“What do you mean, there are lots of things you’ve never confessed before?” Kaya asks once we’ve resumed our spots at the table.
Oops. I didn’t think she heard me. “I was kidding.” I start eating my sandwich, but Kaya just stares at me, as does Daphne. “What?”
“You’re keeping secrets.” Kaya’s eyes dance and she starts wiggling in her chair. “Come on, tell us.”
“I just said that to be funny.” I take another bite of my sandwich. Maybe if I keep my mouth full, I won’t confess my sins.
“Bullshit.” Daphne takes a sip of her drink, Kaya laughing. “Spill it. You know you want to tell us.”
Should I tell them about Ash? They’ll probably freak. We kept the promise we made to each other last year. He didn’t talk to me, and I didn’t talk to him. For the remainder of our junior year, we were able to avoid each other completely. Just like we did the year before that, after homecoming. It was easy, for the most part, since we didn’t have many opportunities on campus to run into each other.
But sometimes after school we’d pass by each other in the parking lot, one of us always looking the other way real quick.
Usually me.
At prom, I was headed for the bathroom just as he exited the men’s room. He stopped short when he first spotted me, his gaze sweeping over me, lingering on my dress, leaving me warm. I can admit I looked damn good that night, and while Ben said all the right things, telling me how beautiful I was, his words didn’t come close to what Ash made me feel.
Just with a look.
Looking back, it was that night when I knew it could never work between me and Ben. It took me a little while to work up the courage to end things, and while I missed him at first, I can truly say I’m glad we aren’t together anymore. I’d rather be alone than in a relationship that isn’t that great.
So far I haven’t seen much of Ash this school year. I don’t run into him in the parking lot at all, since he’s at football practice four days a week plus the games on Friday. I see him out on the field on Friday nights, but he’s just a guy with a helmet on. Not like I can actually see him, see him. He’s still the star quarterback, and my brother is thrilled he’s graduating this year so he can take Ash’s place next year. Dad talks about him over the dinner table sometimes, though I’m able to mostly tune it out. I don’t need to hear about Ash’s amazing arm or how he has no fear and will actually run the ball when he can’t find someone to throw it to.
Well, maybe I am absorbing what Dad is saying, though I’m trying my best to forget about it. Forget about Ash.
“You are being way too quiet for way too long,” Daphne says, interrupting my thoughts. “This has to be huge. You’re crushing on someone else?”
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“You did it with another guy and Ben has no clue,” Kaya guesses.
“Kaya!” My cheeks burn hot and Kaya’s eyes widen before she starts elbowing Daphne in the ribs.
“Oh my God! You did! You so did!” She’s pointing at me, her voice rising, and I shush her, sending her a severe look.
“Be quiet.” I lean across the table. “I don’t want the entire restaurant to hear you.”
Daphne glances around the room before turning to look at us once more. “I don’t think they’re paying any attention to us.”
“Sorry, sorry.” Kaya takes a bite of her sandwich and so do I, though my nervous stomach is sending me major signals that is a big mistake. “So what exactly happened?”
Hesitantly, I launch into the entire Ash and me saga. What happened our sophomore year during the homecoming fiasco, and how I thought we had a chance, only for him to reject me. Last year when we kissed in his truck, and then he came to my house, the weekend Ben was gone. How rude Ash was to me that night at the team dinner and that’s when we decided we needed to avoid each other. How we shook on it.
“And you’ve never talked to him again?” Kaya asks when I finish.
“Nope.” I shake my head. “We leave each other alone.”
“How did you keep this a secret from us?” Kaya shakes her head. “I can’t believe you never told us.”
“Are you mad?” I don’t want them upset with me, but how could I explain my feelings for Ash when I didn’t understand them myself?
“Not really,” Kaya says. “I guess I understand.”
“I’m not mad,” Daphne says. “But you should know Ash is going out with Rylie Altman now.”
My stomach drops, like I’m on a twisty roller coaster. “He is?”