I hadn’t anticipated this happening.
Petrik has definitely become one of us. If his help in the beginning hadn’t been the deciding factor, then him saving my sister’s life by running for help solidified it.
I shouldn’t feel as though Petrik is taking my sister from me. He’s not. And yet—
I begin to feel like I don’t quite fit here anymore.
Which is probably ridiculous, but I feel it all the same.
I wander from our camp, as I so often do when my help’s not needed, but damn it all, Kellyn’s following me. I see him out of the corner of my eyes, keeping his distance yet watching over me.
“You’re hovering,” I say.
“We were recently attacked, and there’s every reason to expect more ambushes.”
Oh.
I’d honestly forgotten his whole purpose was to keep us safe. And he’s doing just that. He’s protecting me. Not trying to get me alone.
What am I supposed to do? Just pretend like he’s not there?
As if.
I want to say something. Maybe apologize for not telling him about Kymora? But I’m still angry at him, and the whole conversation would only be uncomfortable anyway.
But isn’t silence worse?
He surprises me by talking first. “I don’t want to leave things as they are now.”
“Me neither,” I answer. Then I blurt, “I’m sorry for not telling you about the warlord. You had a right to know.”
“I did.” His voice has grown incredibly soft.
“I didn’t mean to put you in danger. I was only thinking about my sister. I needed to keep her safe. I should have taken the time to think about who else I might be hurting by letting them aid us. I’m so sorry. I don’t hold your leaving us against you.”
After a pause, he says, “I’m sorry about your sister. About what happened in Thersa. If I can’t make it right, then how can I make it better?”
I turn to face him; the sun is sinking, and I can barely make out his expression through the space between us.
But it’s so sincere, so open, it nearly takes my breath away.
“Why do you care?” I ask. “You’re leaving us. We’ll never see each other again. So why does it matter?”
“If I did stay, would that make it better? Do you want me to stay?”
Why do I feel like that question is asking more than one thing?
“Would you stay if I asked?” I honestly want to know.
He’s quiet, but he meets my eyes. My every instinct is to look away, but I force myself to hold steady. Not just to prove to myself that I can do it, but because I need to convey my seriousness.
“If it were just you and just me, then yes, I would.”
“But it’s not,” I say. There’s Temra and Petrik. Why does that matter? What does he mean by that?
“But it’s not,” he repeats.
I don’t say anything, but Kellyn’s footsteps grow closer.
“You remember when I brought up my family?” he says.
I nod.
“They’re who I have to consider.”
Oh. Oh, of course. It’s just like how every decision I make has to take Temra into consideration. Because I made this sword, she is in danger from Kymora. If Kellyn were to help us, his family would be in danger if Kymora tried to use them against him.
“I understand,” I say.
Kellyn raises a hand, lets one finger drift through the hair to the side of my face, and I think I stop breathing. When his finger gets to the end of my almost-shoulder-length hair, he gives the strand a gentle tug.
“If I’m passing through Lisady’s Capital in the future, could I stop by?”
I can’t think words right now. I think that’s why I have to ask, “Why?”
“To see you,” he says simply, taking back his hand and letting it drop to his side.
“Why?” I ask again, because I really cannot think of any other words, and my skin is crawling with anxiety. I want it to go away. I want to have this conversation with Kellyn. I think.
“Because I like you, and I want to see you again.”
I laugh without humor. “You can’t like me. I can barely talk around you. I’m very awkward, and I don’t like people.”
“You talk just fine when you’re angry or when you manage to keep yourself from overthinking. You’re not awkward. Only you think you’re awkward. As for not liking people, that’s fine. I don’t really like people, either. Maybe we could not like people together.”
His words are preposterous, and I can’t agree. I want to, but it’s too terrifying. And Temra. I have to remind myself he almost cost me Temra.
Didn’t he?
Yes, he hesitated.
Is it possible that you’re overreacting? Temra’s words from before resurface. I just want to make sure you’re not looking for excuses to push him away.
How could I be overreacting? Petrik was also furious with Kellyn for hesitating!
But Petrik likes Temra, so of course he would overreact. And he’s always actively looking to point out Kellyn’s mistakes.
Maybe Kellyn only hesitated long enough to think the situation through.
“What if I wrote to you?” he asks, interrupting my thoughts. “Could we exchange letters?”
Letters? Letters aren’t scary. I get to think over everything I want to say before I write it down. Don’t have to worry about him searching my face for hidden meaning.
“All right,” I say before I can think twice about it.
“Then I’ll write to you.” He nods once, as though satisfied with the way this conversation turned out.
“And I’ll … I’ll see if I can find a way to make you that longsword. You can pick it up the next time you come through the city. Temra will get it to you.”
He looks like he’s fighting a smile. “Thank you.”
* * *
As far as capital cities go, the one in Princess Lisady’s Territory isn’t as large as I feared it would be. In fact, it doesn’t look much bigger than Lirasu. The streets aren’t packed with people like they were in Thersa. I can actually walk the road without bumping into anyone. To the south end of the city, I can see the newly erected castle, where Princess Lisady resides. It’s the largest structure in sight with pink flags at the top of the towers.
I can live here. Here is fine. I just need a place to call my own. A place to feel safe, where no one can see me. For now, a room at an inn will do.
But first, we need to sell this weapon without drawing attention to ourselves. We find the nearest pawnshop, and now the four of us huddle in the gap between the building and the chandler next door.
“It’s simple,” Temra says. “I’ll go in and sell the spear.”
“You can’t,” Petrik says before I can. “Neither you nor your sister can be seen with a magical weapon. Any of her spies will be on the lookout for women carrying Zivan blades.”
“I agree,” Kellyn says. “Kymora already knows we were headed in this direction. If your relatives didn’t tell her, then the sudden loss of her invisible soldiers would have clued her in. There could easily be people in the city looking for you.”
“It’s my weapon,” I say, ignoring them. “I’m the most qualified to sell it and get the most money from the sale.” It will be uncomfortable. I loathe negotiating, but selling this spear will set us up for months. I can do this for us.
“If I can’t be risked selling it, then neither can you,” Temra says with finality.
“I could take it in,” Petrik says.
Temra, Kellyn, and I all eye Petrik. He’s so uncomfortable outside of his scholar’s attire. And the way he holds himself—he looks nothing like a fighter.
“If you walk in there, the vultures will eat you alive.” The mercenary shakes his head. “And you were seen by their family.” He points to Temra and me with his thumb. “By now the warlord could know you’re with them. You shouldn’t be the one to enter.”
“But that leaves—” I start.
“Me,” Kellyn finishes. “It has to be me. I’m the only one not under suspect. No one will think twice about me selling a magical weapon because I’m actually a mercenary, and I look the part.”
“Absolutely not,” Petrik says. He grabs my arm to pull me aside. “I don’t trust him. He’ll run off with the money from the sale and leave us behind.”
“I can still hear you,” Kellyn says.