Perhaps I do tell them a lot, but not this. “I know how to keep a secret. Aren't you a bit young to be a spy?”
“This is my first assignment. It wasn't even supposed to be. I was going to watch my Dad at the tournament. Help him get as far as he could and gather information. But then he got sick on the way here and I had to take his place. He and my mother aren't here because he's still sick.”
“Is he going to be okay?”
His shoulder's slump. “I don't know. I hope so.”
“You weren't supposed to be in the tournament?”
“No.”
“Then how did you do so well?”
His cheeks turn the familiar shade of pink. “I've been trained since I was little. Best in my class.”
“Probably best in more than just your class judging from how well you did at the tournament. I mean, you won against Thomas.”
He squeezes his eyes shut. “I didn't mean to. I wasn't trying to kill him, it just happened. One minute everything is fine, the next I attacked instead of blocking and he was dead. Just dead. It was only supposed to knock him out, instead I killed a man.”
I cup his cheek with my hand. His scruff scratches against my palm. My heart aches for him. “You didn't do it on purpose. I can't imagine what it must feel like, but I'm grateful you did. You've been kinder to me than he ever was.”
With a deep breath, he opens his eyes. “I'm glad for that, at least. When you finally came out to meet me, you were clearly terrified of him, though tried to hide it. Now I know that terror was justified. But then—” he shakes his head, “you looked just as terrified of me.”
“You would have been as well if your future owner was so much bigger than you, and belonged to a country everyone says is barbaric.”
“I can't do anything about my size, but I hope my barbaric ways haven't bothered you.”
Warmth grows within me. I smile at him. “Not in the least.”
His gaze pulls me. I move toward him. Is he going to kiss me again? I want him to. Breathing becomes more difficult.
The door opens. Zade's salmon-colored spell zaps away as he leans away from me. I sigh. Of course he wasn't going to kiss me.
“Are you ready to dress, sir?” Chadwick, his manservant, says.
Reality washes back over me. The ball, dresses, my sisters, and the one I want to avoid, but can't: his death. Those are the only things going on, not another kiss. I should be focusing on how to help, not kissing. I sit back in my chair and shake myself. What's wrong with me?
“I'll be up in a moment.”
“Very good sir.” He leaves, closing the door behind him.
Before Zade can utter a word, I stand. “I should get ready as well.”
“Will you think on my offer? I don't want you trapped.”
There's really no other choice. If it shows the council, and everyone else, that he can take control of women by tarnishing me and saves his life, it's what I want him to do. I'm just want a little time to process my new fate. “I'll think on it.”
“Very well.”
As I hurry to my room, I can't help but feel confused and uncomfortable. A spy. It makes sense. I should have guessed before. It makes sense he would want to get rid of me whether or not he was to be killed.
Being a tarnished wouldn't be so bad. Katherine said the hardest part was getting to where she is. I could do it. I can do it. I just have to leave him behind in the process. Leave him, to save him. Losing more freedom will be worth it.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
I twist my hands together and wait for the door to open. It's been hours since I left Zade, and the strain of our conversation keeps pressing harder on me. My room seems extra empty. Cynthia isn't here and won't be coming. The dress made just for her won't be used. I've always been with her. How can I do this without her? She must be taking the brunt of Father's anger. Perhaps I should break her out. Easier than the other path I'm faced with.
The door opens. Waverly steps in. Not my ball gown then. Which won't fix my problems anyway, but would at least give me something to do.
“Zade wants to know when you'll be ready to talk with him.”
It hits me. How she always says his name. How they're both from the same country. How they knew each other from before. How familiar he is with her. My stomach clenches. I grab onto the bedpost and cling to it. His offer wasn't just about saving his life or getting me away from Father. It's about his previous fiancee. She's the one he wants.
“Tell him...” that he doesn't have to worry about me. I'll do what I can to save his life and I'll figure something out with my own. “After I'm dressed I can talk. Katherine should be here with my gown soon.”
“I saw her coming. I'll let him know, then I'll be back to help.”