Never Despair
by Jack McDevitt
Jack McDevitt is the author of more than a dozen novels, including the post-apocalyptic gem Eternity Road, with which this story shares its milieu. His short fiction has appeared in Analog, Asimov's, and F&SF, and in numerous anthologies. He has been nominated for the Nebula Award thirteen times, and won for the first time in 2007 for his novel Seeker. Other awards include the Locus Award for his first novel, The Hercules Text, and the John W. Campbell Memorial Award for his novel Omega.
"Never Despair" tells the story of Chaka Milana, a woman who leaves her hometown in search of a storied place that holds the secrets of the Roadmakers, the almost-mythical builders of the concrete strips that cover the land, and the ruined cities with towers so high that a person could not ascend one in a day. In the course of her journey, Chaka encounters a historical avatar of a man she doesn't recognize, but whom the reader most certainly will.
The rain began to fall as they threw the last few spadefuls of earth onto the grave.
Quait bowed his head and murmured the traditional farewell. Chaka looked at the wooden marker, which bore Flojian's name, his dates, and the legend FAR FROM HOME.
She hadn't cared all that much for Flojian. He was self-centered and he complained a lot and he always knew better ways to do things. But you could count on him to pull his weight, and now there were only two of them.
Quait finished, looked up, and nodded. Her turn. She was glad it was over. The poor son of a bitch had fallen on his head out of the upper level of a ruin, and during four excruciating days, they'd been able to do little for him. Pointless, silly way to die. "Flojian," she said, "we'll miss you." She let it go at that because she meant it, and the rain was coming harder.
They retreated to their horses. Quait packed his spade behind his saddle and mounted in that awkward way that always left her wondering whether Lightfoot would chuck him off on the other side.
She stood looking up at him.
"What's wrong?" He wiped the back of his hand against his cheek. His hat was jammed down on his head. Water spilled out of it onto his shoulders.
"It's time to give it up," Chaka said. "Go home. If we can." Thunder rumbled. It was getting very dark.
"Not the best time to discuss this." Quait waited for her to get on her horse. The rain pounded the soft earth, fell into the trees.
She looked back toward the grave. Flojian lay with the ruins now, buried like them beneath the rolling hills and the broad forest. It was the sort of grave he would have preferred, she supposed. He liked stuff that had been dead a long time. She pulled her jacket tight and climbed into the saddle. Quait moved off at a brisk trot.
They'd buried him at the top of the highest ridge in the area. Now they rode slowly along the crest, picking their way among broken concrete casts and petrified timbers and corroded metal, the detritus of the old world, sinking slowly into the ground. The debris had been softened by time: earth and grass had rounded the rubble, spilled over it, absorbed its sharp edges. Eventually, she supposed, nothing would be left, and visitors would stand on the ruins and not know they were even here.
Quait bent against the rain, his hat pulled low over his eyes, his right hand pressed against Lightfoot's flank. He looked worn and tired and discouraged, and Chaka realized for the first time that he too had given up. That he was only waiting for someone else to take responsibility for admitting failure.
They dropped down off the ridge, and rode through a narrow defile bordered by blocks and slabs.
"You okay?" he asked.
Chaka was fine. Scared. Exhausted. Wondering what they would say to the widows and mothers when they got home. There had been six when they started. "Yes," she said. "I'm okay."
The grotto lay ahead, a square black mouth rimmed by chalkstone and half-hidden by a bracken. They'd left a fire burning, and it looked warm and good. They dismounted, and led their horses inside.
Quait threw a couple of logs onto the blaze. "Cold out there," he said.
Lightning flashed in the entrance.
They put the teapot onto its boiling rock, fed and watered the animals, changed into dry clothes, and sank down in front of the fire. They didn't talk much for a long time. Chaka sat, wrapped in a blanket, enjoying being warm and away from the rain. Quait made some notes in the journal, trying to establish the site of Flojian's grave, so that future travelers, if there were any, could find it. After a while he sighed and looked up, not at her, but over her shoulder, into the middle distance. "You really think we should turn around?"
"Yeah. I think we've had enough. Time to go home."
He nodded. "I hate to go back like this."
"Me too. But it's time." It was hard to guess what the grotto had been. It was not a cave. The walls were artificial. Whatever color they might once have possessed had been washed away. Now they were gray and stained, and they curved into a high ceiling. A pattern of slanted lines, probably intended for decorative effect, cut through them. The grotto was wide, wider than the council hall, which could accommodate a hundred people; and it went far back under the hill. Miles, maybe.
As a general principle, she avoided the ruins when she could. It wasn't easy because they were everywhere. But all sorts of critters made their homes among them. And the structures were dangerous, as Flojian had found out. Prone to cave-ins, collapsing floors, you name it. The real reason, though, was that she had heard too many stories about spectres and demons among the crumbling walls. She was not superstitious, and would never have admitted her discomfort to Quait. Still, you never knew.
They had found the grotto a few hours after Flojian got hurt, and moved in, grateful for the shelter. But she was anxious to be gone now.
Thunder shook the walls, and they could hear the steady rhythm of rainwater pouring off the ridge. It was still late afternoon, but all the light had drained out of the day.
"Tea should be ready," said Chaka.
Quait shook his head. "I hate to give it up. We'll always wonder if it might have been over the next hill."
She had just picked up the pot and begun to pour when a bolt exploded directly overhead. "Close," she said, grateful for the protection of the grotto.
Quait smiled, took his tea, and lifted it in a mock toast to whatever powers lived in the area. "Maybe you're right," he said. "Maybe we should take the hint."
The bolt was drawn by a corroded crosspiece, a misshapen chunk of dissolving metal jutting from the side of the hill. Most of the energy dissipated into the ground. But some of it leaped to a buried cable, followed it down to a melted junction box, flowed through a series of conduits, and lit up several ancient circuit boards. One of the circuit boards relayed power into a long-dormant auxiliary system; another turned on an array of sensors which began to take note of sounds in the grotto. And a third, after an appropriate delay, threw a switch and activated the only program that still survived.
They ate well. Chaka had come across an unlucky turkey that morning, and Quait added some berries and fresh-baked biscuit. They'd long since exhausted their store of wine, but a brook ran through the grotto about sixty yards back, and the water was clear and cold.
"It's not as if we have any reason to think we're close," said Chaka. "I'm not sure I believe in it anyway. Even if it is out there, the price is too high."
The storm eased with the coming of night. Rain still fell steadily, but it was light rain, not much more than mist.
Quait talked extensively through the evening, about his ambitions, about how important it was to find out who had built the great cities scattered through the wilderness, and what had happened to them, and about mastering the ancient wizardries. But she was correct, he kept saying, glancing her way, pausing to give her a chance to interrupt. It was better to be safe than sorry.
"Damn right," said Chaka.
It was warm near the fire, and after a while Quait fell asleep. He'd lost twenty pounds since they'd left Illyria ten weeks before. He had aged, and the good-humored nonchalance that had attracted her during the early days had disappeared. Quait was all business now.
She tried to shake off her sense of despair. They were a long way from home, alone in a wilderness filled with savages and demons and dead cities in which lights blinked and music played and mechanical things moved. She shrank down in her blankets and listened to the water dripping off the trees. A log broke and fell into the fire.
She was not sure what brought her out of it, but she was suddenly awake, senses alert.
Someone, outlined in moonlight, illuminated from behind by the fire, was standing at the exit to the grotto, looking out.
Beside her, Quait's chest gently rose and fell.
She was using her saddle bag for a pillow. Without any visible movement, she eased her gun out of it.
The figure appeared to be a man, somewhat thick at the waist, dressed in peculiar clothes. He wore a dark jacket and dark trousers of matching style, a hat with a rounded top, and he carried a walking stick. There was a red glow near his mouth that alternately dimmed and brightened. She detected an odor that might have been burning weed.
"Don't move," she said softly, rising to confront the apparition. "I have a gun."
He turned, looked curiously at her, and a cloud of smoke rose over his head. He was indeed puffing on something. And the smell was vile. "So you do," he said. "I hope you won't use it."
He didn't seem sufficiently impressed. "I mean it," she said.
"I'm sorry." He smiled. "I didn't mean to wake you." He wore a white shirt and a dark blue ribbon tied in a bow at his throat. The ribbon was sprinkled with white polka dots. His hair was white, and he had gruff, almost fierce, features. There was something of the bulldog about him. He advanced a couple of paces and removed his hat.
"What are you doing here?" she asked. "Who are you?"
"I live here, young lady."
"Where?" She glanced around at the bare walls, which seemed to move in the flickering light.
"Here." He lifted his arms to indicate the grotto and took another step forward.
She glanced at the gun and back at him. "That's far enough," she said. "Don't think I would hesitate."
"I'm sure you wouldn't, young lady." The stern cast of his features dissolved into an amiable smile. "I'm really not dangerous."
"Are you alone?" she asked, taking a quick look behind her. Nothing stirred in the depths of the cave.
"I am now. Franklin used to be here. And Abraham Lincoln. And an American singer. A guitar player, as I recall. Actually there used to be a considerable crowd of us."
Chaka didn't like the way the conversation was going. It sounded as if he were trying to distract her. "If I get any surprises," she said, "the first bullet's for you."
"It is good to have visitors again. The last few times I've been up and about, the building's been empty."
"Really?" What building?
"Oh, yes. We used to draw substantial crowds. But the benches and the gallery have gone missing." He looked slowly around. "I wonder what happened."
"What is your name?" she said.
He looked puzzled. Almost taken aback. "You don't know?" He leaned on his cane and studied her closely. "Then I think there is not much point to this conversation."
"How would I know you? We've never met." She waited for a response. When none came, she continued: "I am Chaka of Illyria."
The man bowed slightly. "I suppose, under the circumstances, you must call me Winston." He drew his jacket about him. "It is drafty. Why don't we retire to the fireside, Chaka of Illyria?"
If he were hostile, she and Quait would already be dead. Or worse. She lowered the weapon and put it in her belt. "I'm surprised to find anyone here. No offense, but this place looks as if it has been deserted a long time."
"Yes. It does, doesn't it?"
She glanced at Quait, dead to the world. Lot of good he'd have been if Tuks came sneaking up in the night. "Where have you been?" she asked.
"I beg your pardon?"
"We've been here several days. Where have you been?"
He looked uncertain. "I'm not sure," he said. "I was certainly here. I'm always here." He lowered himself unsteadily to the ground and held his hands up to the fire. "Feels good."
"It is cold."
"You haven't any brandy, by chance, I don't suppose?"
What was brandy? "No," she said. "We don't."
"Pity. It's good for old bones." He shrugged and looked around. "Strange," he said. "Do you know what's happened?"
"No." She didn't even understand the question. "I have no idea."
Winston placed his hat in his lap. "The place looks quite abandoned," he said. Somehow, the fact of desolation acquired significance from his having noted it. "I regret to say I have never heard of Illyria. Where is it, may I ask?"
"Several weeks to the southwest. In the valley of the Mawagondi."
"I see." His tone suggested very clearly that he did not see. "And who are the Mawagondi?"
"It is a river. Do you really not know of it?"
He peered into her eyes. "I fear there is a great deal I do not know." His mood seemed to have darkened. "Are you and your friend going home?" he asked.
"No," she said. "We seek Haven."
"You are welcome to stay here," said Winston. "But I do not think you will find it very comfortable."
"Thank you, no. I was referring to the Haven. And I know how that sounds."
Winston nodded, and his forehead crinkled. There was a brooding fire in his eyes. "Is it near Boston?"
Chaka looked over at Quait and wondered whether she should wake him. "I don't know," she said. "Where is Boston?"
That brought a wide smile. "Well," he said, "it certainly appears one of us is terribly lost. I wonder which of us it is."
She saw the glint in his eye and returned the smile. She understood what he was saying in his oddly accented diction: they were both lost.
"Where's Boston?" she asked again.
"Forty miles east. Straight down the highway."
"What highway? There's no highway out there anywhere. At least none that I've seen."
The cigar tip brightened and dimmed. "Oh, my. It must be a long time."
She pulled up her knees and wrapped her arms around them. "Winston, I really don't understand much of this conversation."
"Nor do I." His eyes looked deep into hers. "What is this Haven?"
She was shocked at his ignorance. "You are not serious."
"I am quite serious. Please enlighten me."
Well, after all he was living out here in the wilderness. How could she expect him to know such things? "Haven was the home of Abraham Polk," she said hopefully.
Winston shook his head sheepishly. "Try again," he said.
"Polk lived at the end of the age of the Roadmakers. He knew the world was collapsing, that the cities were dying. He saved what he could. The treasures. The knowledge. The history. Everything. And he stored it in a fortress with an undersea entrance."
"An undersea entrance," said Winston. "How do you propose to get in?"
"I don't think we shall," said Chaka. "I believe we will give it up at this point and go home."
Winston nodded. "The fire's getting low," he said.
She poked at it, and added a log. "No one even knows whether Polk really lived. He may only be a legend."
Light filled the grotto entrance. Seconds later, thunder rumbled. "Haven sounds quite a lot like Camelot," he said.
What the devil was Camelot?
"You've implied," he continued after taking a moment to enjoy his weed, "that the world outside is in ruins."
"Oh, no. The world outside is lovely."
"But there are ruins?"
"Yes."
"Extensive?"
"They fill the forests, clog the rivers, lie in the shallow waters of the harbors. They are everywhere. Some are even active, in strange ways. There is, for example, a train that still runs, on which no one rides."
"And what do you know of their builders?"
She shrugged. "Very little. Almost nothing."
"Their secrets are locked in this Haven?"
"Yes."
"Which you are about to turn your back on."
"We're exhausted, Winston."
"Your driving curiosity, Chaka, leaves me breathless."
Damn. "Look, it's easy enough for you to point a finger. You have no idea what we've been through. None."
Winston stared steadily at her. "I'm sure I don't. But the prize is very great. And the sea is close."
"There are only two of us left," she said.
"The turnings of history are never directed by crowds," he said. "Nor by the cautious. Always, it is the lone captain who sets the course."
"It's over. We'll be lucky to get home alive."
"That may also be true. And certainly going on to your goal entails a great risk. But you must decide whether the prize is not worth the risk."
"We will decide. I have a partner in the enterprise."
"He will abide by your decision. It is up to you."
She tried to hold angry tears back. "We've done enough. It would be unreasonable to go on."
"The value of reason is often exaggerated, Chaka. It would have been reasonable to accept Hitler's offer of terms in 1940."
"What?"
He waved the question away. "It's of no consequence. But reason, under pressure, usually produces prudence when boldness is called for."
"I am not a coward, Winston."
"I did not imply you are." He bit down hard on his weed. A blue cloud drifted toward her. It hurt her eyes and she backed away.
"Are you a ghost?" she asked. The question did not seem at all foolish.
"I suspect I am. I'm something left behind by the retreating tide." The fire glowed in his eyes. "I wonder whether, when an event is no longer remembered by any living person, it loses all significance? Whether it is as if it never happened?"
Quait stirred in his sleep, but did not wake.
"I'm sure I don't know," said Chaka.
For a long time, neither of them spoke.
Winston got to his feet. "I'm not comfortable here," he said.
She thought he was expressing displeasure with her.
"The floor is hard on an old man. And of course you are right: you must decide whether you will go on. Camelot was a never-never land. Its chief value lay in the fact that it existed only as an idea. Perhaps the same thing is true of Haven."
"No," she said. "It exists."
"And is anyone else looking for this place?"
"No one. We will be the second mission to fail. I think there will be no more."
"Then for God's sake, Chaka of Illyria, you must ask yourself why you came all this way. Why your companions died. What you seek."
"Money. Pure and simple. Ancient manuscripts are priceless. We'd have been famous throughout the League. That's why we came."
His eyes grew thoughtful. "Then go back," he said. "If this is a purely commercial venture, write it off and put your money in real estate."
"Beg pardon?"
"But I would put it to you that those are not the reasons you dared so much. And that you wish to turn back because you have forgot why you came."
"That's not so," she said.
"Of course it's so. Shall I tell you why you undertook to travel through an unknown world, on the hope that you might, might, find a place that's half-mythical?" Momentarily he seemed to fade, to lose definition. "Haven has nothing to do with fame or wealth. If you got there, if you were able to read its secrets, you would have all that, provided you could get home with it. But you would have acquired something infinitely more valuable, and I believe you know that: you would have discovered who you really are. You would have learned that you are a daughter of the people who designed the Acropolis, who wrote Hamlet, who visited the moons of Neptune. Do you know about Neptune?"
"No," she said. "I don't think so."
"Then we've lost everything, Chaka. But you can get it back. If you are willing to take it. And if not you, then someone else. But it is worth the taking, at whatever cost."
Momentarily, he became one with the dark.
"Winston," she said, "I can't see you. Are you still there?"
"I am here. The system is old, and will not keep a charge." She was looking through him. "You really are a ghost," she said.
"It is possible you will not succeed. Nothing is certain, save difficulty and trial. But have courage. Never surrender."
She stared at him.
"Never despair," he said.
A sudden chill whispered through her, a sense that she had been here before, had known this man in another life. "You seem vaguely familiar. Have I seen your picture somewhere?"
"I'm sure I do not know."
"Perhaps it is the words. They have an echo."
He looked directly at her. "Possibly." She could see the cave entrance and a few stars through his silhouette. "Keep in mind, whatever happens, you are one of a select company. A proud band of brothers. And sisters. You will never be alone."
As she watched, he faded until only the glow of the cigar remained. "It is your own true self you seek."
"You presume a great deal."
"I know you, Chaka." Everything was gone now. Except the voice. "I know who you are. And you are about to learn."
"Was it his first or last name?" asked Quait, as they saddled the horses.
"Now that you mention it, I really don't know." She frowned. "I'm not sure whether he was real or not. He left no prints. No marks."
Quait looked toward the rising sun. The sky was clear. "That's the way of it in these places. Some of it's illusion; some of it's something else. But I wish you'd woke me."
"So do I." She climbed up and patted Brak's shoulder. "He said the sea is only forty miles."
Warm spring air flowed over them. "You want to go on?"
"Quait, you ever hear of Neptune?"
He shook his head.
"Maybe," she said, "we can try that next."