Chapter Nineteen
After the brief hiatus around lunch, things started to go bad again at Southern Supply, and I started to wonder if the gods took dinner breaks. First, Kenny told me Jenna was on the phone. I hesitated. I really did want to talk to her, but not on the phone, and not when I knew we’d be interrupted every five seconds.
“Tell her you can’t find me, that I’m out in the store somewhere.” Kenny arched an eyebrow, but went to do what I’d asked. Five minutes later, he was back. “Doug just called up from the dock. The cabinets for the Bergman job are here and he says they’re a mess. All banged up, the doors are hung crooked, and they’re even the wrong color.”
“Christ. What next?” I mumbled. “Okay, tell him to pack them up and send them back. I’ll call the cabinet people and tell them they just ran out of second chances. Do you remember the carpenter I talked to about a month ago? The guy that handcrafts cabinets in his workshop?” I shuffled through a drawer looking for the man’s business card.
“Herman English?”
“Yeah.” I shoved the drawer closed. “That’s the one. See if you can find his number for me?”
One very heated argument later, I’d fired my old cabinet company and hired Mr.
English, who was ecstatic over the chance to do our work. Then I took a couple of aspirin.
From there, the day went downhill. By quitting time, I was exhausted and my whole body ached, although I suspected that last had more to do with last night’s activities than it did with the disastrous day I’d just been through. I’d reached the point where I dreaded seeing Kenny appear at my door. Which is why I frowned when he showed up again.
“Whatever is it, I don’t want to hear it.”
He grinned. “Look on the bright side. Tomorrow has to be better. You’ve got company.”
“Who?” I prayed it wasn’t Jenna because I was simply too tired to deal with her right now. All I wanted to do was soak in a tub of hot water for about an hour, and then get my talk with Nick over with.
“Your cousin.”
“Cody?” I sat down in the chair I’d just vacated, more than a little curious. Cody called me occasionally, but he rarely paid unexpected visits. “Tell him to come on in.” 182
The Sweet Gum Tree
“Okay. If you don’t need me, I’m heading home. Want me to lock up on my way out?”
“Please.”
I heard the murmur of voices as Kenny left, then glanced up at a sound from my door. And froze, my smile fading. Cody was standing there, still in uniform, and he wasn’t alone. Lindsey was with him.
My gaze shifted between the two of them before coming to rest on my cousin.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, bringing her here?” I managed to keep my voice cool even though inside I was seething with anger.
Cody put his hand on Lindsey’s back and nearly pushed her toward the chairs across from my desk. “There are things you have to be told before the whole town finds out, Alix, and I knew you’d never agree to listen to Lindsey if we gave you a choice.”
“Guess what? I still have a choice. Now get the hell out of my office.”
“No. You’re going to hear this out.” He took the seat next to Lindsey and glanced at her, then took off his hat and balanced it on his knee. “It’s time you found out what really happened fifteen years ago.”
“Alix, please.” Lindsey’s voice was soft, hesitant. She looked much the same as she had that day at the hospital. Maybe a little more nervous, and a bit paler, but still beautiful. “I wanted to tell you as soon as we got back, but Nick wouldn’t let me. He said I had to talk to the sheriff first.”
Cody reached over and covered her hand with his. “And she did. Last Monday.” He smiled encouragingly at Lindsey. “Go ahead. Start at the beginning.” Stiffly, I leaned back in my chair and folded my arms over my chest, a feeling of doom settling over me as I watched Lindsey. She cleared her throat, her gaze fastened on her and Cody’s hands.
“The beginning.” A tiny smile curved her lips. “Do you remember that day at the junkyard when you invited me to the church picnic? You scared me half to death. You were so strong, Alix. So friendly and outgoing. I’d never met anyone like you before.” She took a deep breath. “After that day, I watched every move you made. You were everything I wished I could be, and I wanted desperately to be your friend. But I didn’t know how. There were so many people who loved you. The only one who cared about me was Nick. He was all I had, a brother and a father all rolled into one. I think I would probably have died if Nick hadn’t been there. He was the one who saw to it that I ate, who got me ready for school every day. I suppose Mama loved me in her own way, but she had so many other things to worry about that I got lost in the shuffle.” Her gaze lifted to mine, and in spite of myself I was mesmerized. I didn’t want to listen to her, didn’t want to care about what she was telling me, but I couldn’t stop the feeling of pity as I remembered the scared little girl she’d once been.
“But eventually we grew up,” she continued. “And Nick started to change. He was spending most of his spare time at your family’s farm. And when he was home, he 183
Katherine Allred
talked about you constantly. I knew he was in love with you, and I was happy for him.
At least, I was until that last year.”
She looked at Cody beseechingly, and he nodded. “Keep going. You’re doing fine.” Her hands were shaking and her chin trembled before she spoke again. “That fall my mother had Billy, my little brother. Frank hung around our house a lot, but when he wasn’t there, other men were. Mama hated it, but it was the only way she could make any extra money. After she had Billy, Mr. Howard, Jenna’s father, helped her get a job at the roadhouse waiting tables, and he gave her some money for the baby. But there wasn’t enough to pay a babysitter, so I didn’t go back to school. Instead, I stayed home to take care of my brother. I hated school so I really didn’t mind. But then Frank started hanging around while Mama was at work. He scared me, the way he watched every move I made, the way he kept trying to get me alone.” Suddenly things were starting to click in my memory. “You told Nick. That’s why he wanted everyone to think the two of you were dating.” Lindsey let out a sigh of relief. “Yes. We were both afraid of what would happen if Frank got me alone. Nick thought if his father believed we were a couple, it might slow him down a little. For a while, it did. But one night he came over after I put Billy to bed, so drunk he could hardly walk, and I barely got away from him by locking myself in the bedroom. If he’d been sober, the lock would never have stopped him.” She lifted a hand and tiredly rubbed her forehead. “That day you showed up at the gas station and saw Nick and me together, I’d just finished telling him what Frank had done. I knew what you thought, Alix, but I was terrified. Nick was furious and too ashamed of his father to tell you the truth. He went straight home and confronted Frank. They had a horrible fight, the worst I’d ever seen. Nick told him to stay away from me, but Frank wouldn’t listen. He kept yelling that I was nothing but a two-bit whore, just like my mother, and that if I could spread my legs for Nick, I could damn well spread them for him. I thought they were going to hit each other, but by then Frank was a little afraid of Nick. Nick wasn’t the little boy Frank used to beat anymore.
He was younger and stronger than Frank, and he wasn’t weakened from constant drinking.”
Her gaze met mine again. “I wasn’t sleeping with Nick, Alix, I swear. It would have been like incest to me. I loved Nick, yes, but not that way. He was my family.” My heart was pounding so hard I could hear the rush of blood in my ears. I was putting two and two together and not liking the answer I was coming up with. Because if she were telling the truth, if she really hadn’t slept with Nick, then Daniel…oh, God.
Pain stabbed through my stomach until I wanted to double over and clutch my middle, and nausea left a bitter taste in my throat.
Lindsey must have seen the realization in my eyes. Her free hand stopped its nervous movements and she became chillingly calm. “That’s when Nick started spending his evenings with me. He’d come home as soon as he got off work, and stay until Mama got back. We both knew Frank was just waiting for the right moment, 184
The Sweet Gum Tree
waiting until I was alone. Nick tried to talk me into leaving. He even offered to help me.
He’d found out about this program they have in Little Rock, kind of like a job corps.
They trained high school dropouts in different areas, and then helped them find a decent job.”
Her voice dropped. “But God help me, I wouldn’t listen to him. I was too weak, too afraid of leaving everything I knew and being alone. And I couldn’t understand why I should have to. After all, Nick was there. I knew he’d protect me just like he always had.”
She closed her eyes briefly before looking at me again. “And he did. Until you gave him an ultimatum. Me or you. He had to choose. And because he loved you, and couldn’t stand the thought of losing you, he chose you.” A pained laugh escaped her lips while I gripped the chair arms until my knuckles turned white.
“I hated you for years after that, blamed you for everything that happened.”
“Lindsey, I didn’t know. If Nick had told me…”
She waved one hand vaguely in the air. “I know now that it wasn’t your fault, although it took years of therapy for me to understand. You see, I didn’t believe Nick when he told me he wasn’t going to stay with me anymore. I thought it was some kind of joke. I sat there on the couch and watched him leave, waiting for the punch line. But there wasn’t one.”
She sucked in a breath of air that sounded more like a half-broken sob. “When I realized he was serious, that he wasn’t coming back, I almost went crazy, I was so scared. Then, about an hour later, I heard a truck pull in at the salvage yard. It was Friday night. It never occurred to me that it might be Frank. I figured he’d be out drinking until all hours, like he usually did. I thought Nick had come back. So I checked on Billy and made sure he was asleep, then I ran to the trailer. But it wasn’t Nick. Frank was there, and he wasn’t drunk this time.”
A single tear slipped down her cheek and she gripped Cody’s hand tightly. “I tried to run, but it was too late. He caught me and pulled me back into the trailer. When I fought him, he beat me until I was nearly unconscious. And when I couldn’t move anymore, he tore my clothes off and raped me. Not just once, but over and over again. It was like he wanted to punish me for escaping him as long as I had.” She reached up with her left hand and brushed the tear away. “Things are kind of blurry after that. I think he went into the bedroom for awhile. And when I heard him coming back, I knew it was going to happen all over again, that he wouldn’t stop until he’d killed me. I snapped. I don’t know where I got the gun, or the strength to use it, I only remember pulling the trigger. Even after the gun was empty, I kept pulling the trigger. That’s what I was doing when Nick found me. He took the gun away from me and carried me home, then he called Mama and told her to get me to a hospital. As soon as she got there, he went back to the trailer, cleaned my fingerprints off the gun, and called the police.”
185
Katherine Allred
“And told them he’d killed Frank,” I whispered.
Lindsey glanced at Cody, and he nodded in answer to my statement. “Apparently, Lindsey wasn’t in any shape to be questioned, and Nick knew it. She wasn’t talking or moving, just staying wherever they put her, not even blinking. And Nick blamed himself for the whole thing. It almost destroyed him. I think part of him hoped he’d be punished.”
Cody watched me intently as he talked, a worried expression on his face.
“Everything she’s told you is the truth, Alix. I’ve spent the last week checking all the details. Liz knew what had happened. I guess Nick told her. And because she didn’t want Frank’s murder pinned on Lindsey, she took her to the hospital in Paragould. The doctors there notified the Green County Sheriff, but they had no way of knowing about Frank, and probably wouldn’t have connected his death with a rape if they had.
Lindsey couldn’t tell them what happened, and Liz wouldn’t. They eventually chalked it up as an unsolvable rape and closed the case. I’ve talked to the doctors, and the sheriff, to Liz and even Nick. There’s no doubt it was self-defense.” My head was spinning like I’d drunk a gallon of wine, waves of dizziness rolling over me until I could barely stay in the chair. I’d been braced to hear Frank raped her.
What I hadn’t expected was to discover that Nick had lied about killing his father.
That’s when my feelings started to change. Up to that point, I was consumed with guilt and feelings of pity for Lindsey. No woman deserved to go through what she had, and it was partially my fault. But now, anger built slowly inside me, helping me get a grip on my emotions. I leaned forward and crossed my arms on the desk.
“You were pregnant. Daniel isn’t Nick’s son, he’s his brother.”
“Yes.” Lindsey took over the story again. “Mama was the first to realize I was pregnant, but she didn’t tell me. I think she was afraid of what I’d do. By then, I was finally starting to recover physically from the rape, but I still wasn’t mentally stable. So she found out where they’d sent Nick and called him. Together, they decided that Nick would claim me as his stepsister on his army records. Mama couldn’t afford a hospital for me, and the army had good ones. If Nick was my sole support, I could be treated for free as his dependant. They also decided it would be better not to tell me about the baby until I was safely admitted with people around who could watch me.” When Lindsey hesitated, Cody jumped in again. “They waited until Nick was almost done with basic training, then Liz put Lindsey on a bus for Kentucky. Liz was afraid people would start asking questions, so she reported Lindsey missing.
Meanwhile, Nick had done all the paperwork and everything was ready. He picked her up at the bus station and took her straight to the hospital.”
“And it’s a good thing he did,” Lindsey said. “When they told me I was pregnant, I really went off the deep end. I couldn’t stand the thought of having part of Frank Anderson inside me. It was like being raped all over again, with no way to stop it this time.”
186
The Sweet Gum Tree
She looked down at her hands, and I noticed she was once again wearing long sleeves.
“I tried to kill myself. Every time they left me alone for more than a minute, I’d try.
I hated the baby. If the only way to get rid of it was to kill myself, then that’s what I thought I had to do. Until the baby came, they put me on a twenty-four hour suicide watch. Then, when he was born, I refused to even look at him. I didn’t care what happened to him.”
Cody put his arm around her shoulders. “Nick took full responsibility for Daniel.
When Lindsey signed away all her paternal rights, Nick adopted him. You’ve meet Bowie Grant?”
I nodded.
“Well, Nick met Bowie when he was visiting Lindsey at the hospital. Bowie was retired with no family, and he sort of took Nick under his wing. When Daniel arrived, Bowie moved in with them and took care of the baby while Nick was working. Lindsey stayed in the army hospital for the next four years, until Nick’s service was up.” She nodded. “After the baby arrived, they were able to start me on a program of medication, and gradually I began to get better, although I was still a long way from being normal. By the time Nick took the job with the oill company, the doctors had decided I’d progressed enough to leave the hospital and live alone. So I went with them when they moved to Saudi. But I still could barely stand the sight of Daniel. I’m not proud of it, but I couldn’t seem to help it. When I looked at him, I didn’t see Daniel. I saw Frank.”
My palms were slick with sweat, and I brushed them against my legs as I leaned back. “But you must have lived with them?”
“No. Nick made arrangements with the company so I’d have my own apartment. I was still seeing a psychiatrist, and once Daniel started school, Bowie kind of took over the job of taking care of me.”
I tried to relax, but the longer we talked, the angrier I became, and the more I tensed. “Daniel said you had to talk Nick into coming home.” Her eyes got a faraway look in them and she smiled sadly. “Poor Nick. He was trying to protect both me and Daniel, even though he was miserable. We all knew he couldn’t forget you, that he still loved you. I couldn’t stand it anymore, couldn’t bear to let it continue. Guilt was eating me alive. I knew that if any of us wanted a chance at a normal life, I had to come back and face the past. I had to put things right.”
“What will you do now?” I forced my hands together in my lap.
Her gaze refocused and met mine. “I had planned to go live with my mother a while, but Cody convinced me to stay. You see, Daniel doesn’t know the truth yet. He still thinks Nick shot Frank. I don’t know how he’ll react when he finds out what really happened, but he deserves to know why his mother has ignored him all this time. And I really do want the chance to try and get to know my son.” 187
Katherine Allred
They didn’t stay long after that. I walked them to the door and unlocked it to let them out, my anger barely contained. On the threshold, Lindsey stopped and put her hand on my arm. “Please forgive Nick. He loves you so much, and was so afraid that you’d hate him when you discovered the truth.”
I didn’t answer her, and her hand fell away, a look of sadness in her eyes.
“Are you going to be okay?” Cody asked.
“I’m fine.” My calm tone hid the turmoil that boiled inside me.
“If you need me—”
“I’ll call,” I interrupted. I wanted them gone, out of my store, out of my sight.
I locked the door behind them and returned to my office, the rest of the store dark around me. Slowly, I sank onto my chair and buried my face in my hands. Time crawled by as I sat there, going over every detail of what I’d heard. And with every tick of the clock, my rage grew.
Any rational person would be thrilled that Nick had finally been exonerated. Any rational woman would be delirious with happiness to discover the man she loved hadn’t cheated on her after all, that he really had loved her.
But I wasn’t rational.
For fifteen years I’d worked hard to make myself hate Nick. For fifteen years I’d blamed him for Katie’s death. For fifteen long, agonizing years I’d blamed him for not wanting me. The only thing I hadn’t blamed him for was leaving. For leaving me, yes.
But not for leaving. I’d thought he had no choice, that he’d been forced into it.
Now I knew better, and it was worse than I’d ever believed possible. All those old feelings swamped me, pulling me down until I was drowning in them.
Because he’d had a choice. He could have told the truth and stayed here, gotten help for Lindsey. No one would have subjected her to arrest after what she’d gone through.
He could have trusted me enough to tell me what was going on from the beginning. If he had, I might have been able to help, to stop the chain of events that took place.
But he hadn’t. He’d chosen to take the blame for Frank’s death, and leave me all alone. He’d chosen to protect Lindsey and her child, a child of rape, while my child was left to die.
The pain and grief of Katie’s death hit me as if it had happened only yesterday. It felt like someone had torn my chest open and pulled my heart out. And my rage grew.
Out of all proportion, it grew until I was shaking with it.
I didn’t leave the store until the sun was setting. If anyone had seen me, stopped to talk with me, I would have appeared calm. Unnaturally so. But it would have been the farthest thing from the truth. There was only one thing I could think about now, one thing I wanted.
I wanted to hurt Nick the way he’d hurt me. I wanted him to feel exactly what I was feeling, and know he’d done this to me. And then I never wanted to see him again.
188
The Sweet Gum Tree
His truck was the only one parked in front of the house he was building, but for the moment I paid no attention. There was something else I had to do before I confronted him.
I flipped on the lights in the front of the barn as I went through, then headed back to my room. Once inside, I grabbed a chair from the table and pulled it to the linen closet. Standing on the seat, I reached far into the darkness of the top shelf until my fingers closed around the box hidden there. I opened the lid and removed the contents, letting the empty box fall to the floor.
Over the years, one of the stalls had become a depository for various tools, things that were rarely used anymore. I rummaged though the pile until I found what I was looking for. A rusty old sledgehammer. Laying the heart-shaped pendant that bore both my name and Nick’s on an anvil, I lifted the hammer over my head and brought it down with all my strength. Again and again, I pounded it, until the shape was unrecognizable. And then I picked up the misshapen lump of metal and turned.
Nick was standing behind me, his face pale in the overhead lights. “You know.” I wiped the sweat from my forehead with one hand. “Yes, I know.”
“Damn Lindsey to hell.” He took a step closer. “I wanted to tell you myself, to try and make you understand—”
“Stop right there.” My voice was cold. “I don’t want to hear any of your excuses.”
“Alix, please—”
“You bastard,” I whispered as fury shattered my icy demeanor. I threw the pendant at him, unable to stand its touch another second. It hit his arm and bounced to one side.
“Did you know I went to your father’s funeral? I went because I wanted to tell him that you were better than he was, that you could never be like him.” A laugh tore its way from deep inside me, a laugh born of anguish and anger. “You really had me fooled.”
“Alix.” It was a choked, desperate plea, but I wouldn’t listen.
“Let me tell you exactly what happened after you decided your slimy nobility was more important to you than I was. Two weeks after you left, I discovered I was pregnant, Nick. Pregnant with your baby. And God, I was so scared, but I was happy too. Happy because I had a part of you no one could take away from me. Scared because I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want to hurt my family.” What little blood was left in his face drained away, leaving his eyes like two dark pits staring at me in shock. “Oh, God.”
“You can forget about calling on God,” I said furiously. “He never cared anymore than you did.”
Only anger kept me going, kept me talking. A red haze of violence covered my eyes until it affected every thing I saw. Needing an outlet for the raw agony coursing through me, I paced up and down in front of him.
189
Katherine Allred
“Hugh found out I was pregnant, and asked me to marry him anyway. I didn’t know what else to do so I said yes. I didn’t love him, but I was willing to live with him to give your child a name. And he was willing to take on the responsibility you didn’t want. He claimed the baby as his own, and in his way, he loved her as much as I did.” I whirled to face him. “That’s right, Nick. We had a daughter. A beautiful little girl who was your mirror image. She was my life, the only thing I cared about after you left.”
In a surge of outrage, I put my hand on his chest and shoved. “So tell me,” I snarled. “Where were you when she died? Were you visiting Lindsey in the hospital?
Were you busy changing Daniel’s diapers, laughing with him? Loving him while Katie died alone without ever knowing her father? What were you doing when I needed you so desperately, when I went through the hell of her dying without you?” It was the first time in my life I’ve ever seen a person crumble so completely, and I hope to God I never have to see it again. Right before my eyes Nick aged twenty years.
His expression was one of such overwhelming horror and grief that it still haunts me, and his entire body seemed to fold in on itself.
Shoulders slumped, he lifted his hands and covered his face, his frame shaking in hard jerks. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice ragged with pain. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” So I did what I’d set out to do that night. I destroyed Nick without a qualm or a single feeling of remorse. I crushed him like a bug under the heel of my torment. And when it was done, all I had left was emptiness.
Wearily, I gestured toward the door. “Just go. Get out of my sight.” Without another word, he turned and left, stumbling like an old man as he vanished into the night.
I don’t know how long I stood there, staring blankly at the walls, drained of all emotion and tired down to my soul. The cats finally brought me back to myself, winding their way around my ankles, crying for attention.
Only then did I turn back to my room. I walked inside, took an overnight case from the closet and began to cram clothes in haphazardly. I didn’t know where I was going; I only knew I couldn’t stay here. Not in the room that held so many memories, the room where Nick and I had made love. Had it only been last night? It felt like centuries ago.
I ended up at my Uncle Vern’s cabin in Hardy. One look at my face must have been enough for him. He opened the door and let me in, and never once questioned my arrival. I swore him to secrecy and spent the next week sleeping or sitting on the banks of Spring River, staring into the icy water. Occasionally, he’d put food in front of me, but I rarely touched it.
Who knows? If Jenna hadn’t found me, I might still be there.
190
The Sweet Gum Tree