“She applied to the Rhode Island School of Design, did you know that?”
Alex nodded. “Of course I did. You showed me the three drawings she was working on for her application.”
The look on my face must have told him I had no memory of that because he laughed before explaining. “The weekend before the accident we were at your house. We had stopped there on our way to Narragansett Beach because you wanted to change. Something about not having the right shoes on for the bonfire and sand. Ella was out with Josh. There was a modern art exhibit in Boston she wanted to see.”
I remembered that day like it was yesterday. The exhibit was fantastic, but the two-hour ride to Boston sucked. That, and Kim had called every ten minutes asking when Josh would be home.
“I was complaining that we didn’t have time to stop by your house and pick up the beer, but you insisted I come in, said it would only take a minute.”
Nothing ever took Maddy a minute. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m not.” Alex grinned, and I got the feeling they’d done a lot more than grab a different pair of shoes. “You went into her room to borrow her hairbrush and saw the application sitting on her desk with her sketches.”
I’d actually shoved the application underneath a bunch of homework to keep Mom and Dad from seeing it. Maddy must have had to move a lot of stuff around to find it, but whatever. “Which one was your favorite?”
Alex dropped his backpack and pulled out his wallet, then handed me a folded piece of paper he had tucked inside. It was a photocopy of a picture I drew of Maddy freshman year. We were about a month into school and the sting of her no longer wanting to be seen with me was still raw. I used to sit at the table and sketch while Josh and his friends talked. I’d draw everything from the trash can to the clock on the wall, but this one was of Maddy. It was crude—sucked, actually—but it was definitely her. And it wasn’t one I even had in the pile of contenders for my art school portfolio.
“I know where she kept the real one,” I said. “You can have it if you want.”
“No. You keep it,” Alex said as he took his copy back.
“She got in to RISD. That’s what I was talking to Josh about. They were planning on going together. That’s why he was so upset.”
“Did you think she wouldn’t get in?” Alex asked. “She was amazing, Maddy. Better than Josh.”
“I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know how to make any of this right.”
He shook his head, his words coming after a long sigh. “There is nothing to make right, Maddy. The roads were wet and you weren’t going that fast. I was there when you woke up, when the police questioned you. You weren’t drunk. They gave you two blood alcohol tests and both of them showed nothing. It’s been ruled an accident. What happened to your sister was an accident.”
“I know that.” I was mumbling, could hear the sad desperation in my voice. “But things are different now. I’m different now. The Maddy before the accident … it’s like I don’t know her anymore. I don’t know what to say or how I am supposed to act.”
It felt good to finally admit it, to acknowledge that I was as confused as he was. “Everything was easier then,” I whispered. “I want to go back to that night and start over, trade places with her.”
“You mean you wish you had died instead of her?” Alex asked. I didn’t expect the flash of pain I heard in Alex’s voice, didn’t expect him to shrink away from me.
“Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know anymore. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of trying to be someone I am not.” It was the first honest thing I’d said to him, and it felt good, fantastic even, for once, to be myself.
“You mean you want to be like her? Like Ella?” Alex asked as he pulled me into his arms and guided my head to his chest.
“Maybe I do. Maybe I want to be exactly like Ella,” I whispered.
“That’s not who you are, Maddy.”