“I know you guys had a fight that night at my party,” Alex continued. “But that was nearly a month ago. Don’t you think it’s time to let it go? She has.”
Jenna was the one person in my sister’s life who I wanted no involvement with. If an argument at that party gave me a way out of the friendship, then I would take it. “It’s been twenty-one days and sixteen hours since the accident, to be exact, and no, I’m not ready to give it up.”
Alex sighed and shook his head. We’d had this same quiet disagreement every day since I got home, and I’d yet to budge. “She is having a tough time right now. Things aren’t getting any better for her at home.”
I tossed him a sideways glare. Things weren’t so great around here either. To be honest, I was drowning in a hell of my own making. But you didn’t see me complaining to everybody. “So why is that my problem?”
“I get that you’re upset, but you know how Jenna—”
I held up my hand to stop him. I didn’t want to talk about Jenna or how I was supposed to play nice with her. I was already freaked out about going to school tomorrow. Having him remind me that Jenna was going to be a constant fixture at my side was not helping. I needed to switch topics, and fast, before I changed my mind about everything.
“I don’t want to talk about Jenna,” I said. “I’ll see her tomorrow. I’ll see everybody tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Alex said as he stretched out next to me on the bed and reached for the remote. “But I don’t get why you’re avoiding her. She’s your best friend, maybe she can help.”
She was Maddy’s best friend, not mine. I’d left my best friend standing at my sister’s grave without so much as an apology. “I don’t need her help. I have you.”
“That you do.”
He inched closer, his breath mingling with mine. I closed my eyes. I knew this was coming, that eventually he’d make a move, but I still wasn’t prepared. I didn’t want to sleep with him. I didn’t even want to kiss him.
His lips had barely brushed mine before I pulled back, my heart pounding. I opened my eyes and stared down at my trembling hand pushing at his chest.
He saw it too and pressed his hand over mine, stilling the tremor. “Relax, Maddy.”
I nodded, unsure what else to do. I’d promised my dead sister I’d give her the life she didn’t get a chance to live, sacrifice my own dreams so that I could live hers. I loved her, would do anything for her, but not this. Not him.
Alex leaned in again, his careful approach exaggerated as I analyzed his every move.
“Relax,” he whispered again, and I willed myself to try, focused on counting to twenty in my head.
“I love you,” he murmured as his hands found their way to my back.
I tried to relax, to follow his lead, but I couldn’t. “Don’t,” I said, and shoved him away.
Alex didn’t have to say a thing. The disappointed way in which he unwound himself from me told me what I needed to know.
I knew what he was thinking and prayed my words would be enough. “Everything’s different now. I can’t … it’s not … just no,” I stammered out, completely incapable of coming up with a plausible excuse for why I suddenly wanted nothing to do with him.
Alex slid back on the bed, keeping one of my hands locked in his. “You and me … the way you feel about me … is that what you mean?”
“No.” I shook my head, hoping my weak smile was enough to reassure him. Then I spoke the same words I’d heard Maddy say to him a thousand times: “I love you. Always have.”
“Always will?” he asked, that spark of life returning to his face.
“Yes.” That was the one thing I was a hundred percent sure of. Maddy loved Alex. Always had, always would.
“Then what is it?”