CHAPTER 46
Josh
When it’s over, we’re both shaking, and for a moment I’m confused and comforted and loved and then I’m lost. I don’t know what happened. Just that it did.
And she’s here, but she’s not. And I want to be happy, but I can’t, because she’s crying underneath me. At first, it’s just soft and barely there and I hardly recognize what’s happening because I’ve never seen her cry. Then her body starts racking with it and it’s so jagged and wrong. There’s still barely any sound coming out, but it’s the shaking that’s almost worse and it steals every undeserved ounce of joy I felt just the moment before.
I need to get away from here. I wish she would stop crying, because I don’t think I can take it for one more second and it’s not like it’s loud or melodramatic. It’s not. It’s just heartbreaking.
I don’t know what I did, so I just hold her and whisper I’m sorry, because I don’t know what else to do. I’m sorry. Again and again and again against her hair. I don’t know how many times I say it or for how long, just that I can’t stop. But she doesn’t stop crying and I know that it’s not enough.
***
She’s gone in the morning and I don’t know if she’s gone from the bed or the house or from everything.
She isn’t at school. I called her phone three times, even though I’m not supposed to, but she didn’t answer. I didn’t expect her to. I wanted to text her but I couldn’t think of any words that wouldn’t sound desperate.
When I get home, she’s waiting in my garage. She’s on the counter where she used to sit and her chair is empty on the other side.
I hit the button and the automatic door lowers, bringing all of the dread of this moment down with it. I walk into the house, because I don’t want to do this in my garage.
She’s Nastya today. The hair, make-up, clothes, everything black like it is for school, except today, it’s for me. I shake my head. Nothing about her is real. I’ve had her sitting in front of me for months and I didn’t see her, I didn’t hear her. I didn’t know her any better than everyone else. I feel like I’ve failed somehow.
Failed me, failed her, failed us.
I don’t say anything and she doesn’t say anything. I start wondering if we may never speak again and then my mouth opens.
“Did I lose you?” It’s not what I expected to ask, but I want the answer. Her face doesn’t change and I realize that I had forgotten what that blank expression even looked like on her.
“I lost you.”
“Impossible,” I answer, but the word barely comes out.
“You don’t want me.” Her tone is flat and she has this weird calm about her that makes me want to scream.
I want to tell her that I don’t remember what it’s like not to want her, that maybe there isn’t anything else I do want. I want to ask her who the hell she is to tell me what I do and don’t want. But nothing will come out of my mouth and maybe she thinks that means I’m agreeing with her.
“So this is over?” I ask.
“What’s left?” This is where she finally looks in my eyes and I know it’s because she means it.
“You didn’t tell me,” I say, because I’m not ready to say there’s nothing left.
“Tell you what?” She’s playing dumb and it insults us both.
“You know what.”
“You didn’t ask.”
“Ask? ” I think my voice goes up an octave because I can’t believe this and I feel a decade’s worth of resolve shatter. “I didn’t ask? Is that what you want? You want me to start asking questions? Now?
I’m allowed? Because I don’t think you want that, but hey, let’s go for it. What the f*ck happened to your hand?”
She flinches. Maybe because of the question. Maybe because I’m yelling now.
“No? Not that one? No good? Then how about what the hell happened last night?” I want this answer more than I ever wanted the other one.
She doesn’t respond which isn’t even the slightest bit shocking, but I don’t need her to, because I’m on a tear and I have no intention of stopping.
“Tell me! You’re the one who came over here and insinuated yourself into every part of my life and then you wait until I have every last thread of my existence wrapped around you and then you leave. Why? What is that about? Was it a joke? Were you bored? Thought it would be fun to f*ck with me?”
“I’m ruined.”
“What?” I don’t even know what that means. “Because you were a virgin?” It sounds stupid and I realize how much I hate that word. Maybe I’m stupid.
Actually, I am stupid for ever assuming I knew anything about this girl. But she walks around with this guttermouth spewing innuendos like she’s talking about baking cookies and then I’m the prick for not realizing she’s never done it before.
Somehow, I’m to blame for everything here and I don’t even know what I did.
“Why then? Why did you sleep with me?” I hate the desperation in my voice.
“Because I knew you wanted to.” Straight. Cold. Matter-of-fact. Empty. She knows it’s a lie.
“Bullshit, Sunshine.” There’s no controlling my voice now. I am beyond pissed. “You lost your virginity because I wanted you to? Don’t you dare put this on me. I never would have done that to you.”
“You didn’t do anything to me. I did it to you. I used you.” The dead calm in her voice is infuriating.
“For what?” I’m shaking now because I’m so angry.
“It was the last thing about me that wasn’t ruined. I just wanted to finish it.” She’s drawing circles on the floor with her toes.
“What the f*ck does that even mean?” Nothing. That’s what I’m getting.
That’s what I’m worth to her.
“You’re telling me that you used me to ruin you?” I’m forcing calm into my voice but I don’t even know where I’m getting it from. Maybe the ice coming off of her is starting to reach me. “That makes a lot of f*cking sense.” I laugh and it’s bitter.
I walk across the room and my fist is through my bedroom door. The wood splinters into my hand. I see her cringe for a second before she remembers herself.
Then the nothing expression returns and all that’s left is Nastya.
“So what, then? Did I? Did I ruin you?”
She nods. And I laugh again because it’s the only sound that will come out.
“F*cking amazing.” I can’t stop the laughing and I think I might be crazy. I throw my hands up because I’m done.
“Congratulations, then. You wanted to be ruined? Well, you did yourself one better because you wrecked me, too, Sunshine.
Now we’re both worth shit.”
She doesn’t move. Just stares at the ground. Her hands are fists like mine.
I sit down because I think my knees are shaking now, too. I bend over and press my palms against my eyes. I can’t see her, but I know she’s still there.
“Get the f*ck out of my house.”
“I told you not to love me,” she whispers, almost like she’s saying it to herself.
“Believe me, Nastya. I don’t.”
She walks out and shuts the door silently behind her. It’s the first time I’ve ever said her name.
***
Nastya
Nastya. The word sounds like broken glass coming out of his mouth. Sleeping with Josh isn’t what ruins me. This is what ruins me. His voice. His face. His horror at this whole f*cked up situation. He looked at me like he couldn’t believe I was doing this and I can’t blame him because I couldn’t believe it either. But I did it anyway, because that’s what I do.