“At school and on Friday nights, you feel like my girlfriend. Most people think you are. So the line started to blur. It’s just physical now with Cassie … and everything else…” Ryan takes both my hands. “Sage, you’re everything else.”
I’m so angry I can hardly speak. The feeling is fire, and it’ll burn me up if I don’t lock it down. I’m so scared. I can’t feel this. I close my eyes and breathe, willing it away. It’s better to be sad and hurt. I’ll take the damage rather than inflict any.
When I finally speak, my voice is quiet and calm. “Are you asking me to be with you? While there’s a girl who still thinks her hardworking, nineteen-year-old boyfriend loves her?”
To make matters worse, I know why he’s moving on me now. He was fine keeping Cassie and me in our respective roles, until it looked like I might be interested in someone else. Now, suddenly, Ryan wants to promote me to full girlfriend status. I guess he doesn’t want to lose the “cred” he mentioned before. He’s my best friend, but at the moment, I don’t like him very much.
“Did it ever occur to you that I wondered if something was wrong with me?” I ask quietly.
His eyes widen. “What—”
“You never made a move, but nobody else asked me out, either. Other girls date all the time. But not me. Of course I worried about why. I try to be positive, but sometimes? It felt pretty crappy.”
I can see the pain in Ryan’s eyes, but it doesn’t make mine go away. “I’m so sorry. That’s a hundred percent my fault.”
“Because it was easier for you. That’s really selfish.”
“Let me make it up to you.” He leans in, but I turn my face, so his mouth glances across my cheek. Ryan McKenna will not be getting my first kiss.
“If you’re unhappy with this girl, you need to break up with her. She’ll probably be furious and ashamed, but that’s better than letting her think the relationship failed because of something she did.” I pause, weighing my next words. But, yeah, I mean them, though it means I’ll effectively be alone. “Once you do that, plus some hard thinking, I could consider being friends with you again. But right now? I need some time.”
His mouth twists. “Are you breaking up with me?”
Since I didn’t even know we were dating, that strikes me as funny. “I guess I am.”
“You promised you wouldn’t judge me,” he says softly.
“That was when I thought you might be gay. I can’t support you being a liar.”
He flinches, but doesn’t dispute my assessment. When Ryan leaves, he takes a chunk of me with him. We’ve been through so much together, shared everything—I thought—but he had this whole other life that I never even suspected. It makes me feel stupid and disposable, like a paper towel he used to clean up his mess.
I don’t sleep much that night, and it’s not because of the Dream.
CHAPTER FIVE
Monday morning sucks so hard, I have no words.
Somehow I managed to hide my colossal bad mood from my aunt. She makes a point of doing stuff with me on a regular basis, which is more than my mom ever did. This weekend, we made falafel and flatbread, then gave each other pedicures. Which might sound boring, but it was exactly what I needed after the drama with Ryan.
To distract her from my life, I asked all kinds of questions about UPS Joe. The date went well, I guess, and they’ll be doing it again. I joked, “Tell me if you need me to have a sleepover some night,” and to my amusement, Aunt Gabby turned bright red. The teasing carried us until bedtime.