I’ve left my phone number and address with the front desk a hundred times. I just never thought I’d see Henry Cavendish again. Trembling, I crunch my way up the gravel drive to the driver’s side door and tap on the window. He jumps. A picture tumbles from his hands. From that I know he’s been out to the trailer because it’s the one that reads Jude and Henry, together forever on the back.
For the first time, I imagine myself in his shoes. I’ve been with Shane for years, and then I learn he’s dying. He’s my whole world; I love him more than life itself. I mean, thinking about how I feel now … and I’m just not with him, but at least I know he’s out there, somewhere. How would I react to a world without Shane? I like to think I’d be brave enough to stay with him until the end. But I don’t know. I don’t. There are no guarantees, and sometimes you don’t know how you’ll jump until your feet are in the fire. Now I see a weak and lonely man in Henry Cavendish, not an evil one. Sorrow has eroded him until there’s only a dry channel left that once flowed with a river of love.
He climbs out of the car, moving like the Tin Man with rusted joints. “Stop calling me. Please.”
“Never,” I answer. “If you think asking me to go away will work when Shane needs me, then you don’t know me very well.”
“No, I mean … you don’t need to. I’m not at the motel anymore.” He digs into his pocket, producing the business card of the social worker Aunt Gabby has spoken to more than once. “I’m working on this. I’m trying to do the right thing.”
This is the lesson I learned from Cassie. Don’t give up. Don’t let people tell you no. She looks so quiet and timid, but deep down, she’s fierce. I understand why Ryan fell in love with her and not me. Because last year, before Shane, I was afraid of everything.
Even myself.
Especially myself.
When I hug Henry Cavendish, he goes rigid, like this is unspeakable, kind of like Shane did that first time. And I wonder if it’s been since Jude died for Mr. Cavendish, too. Jude must’ve been a wonderland of music and magic to leave such a hole in her men when she went. Eventually, he hugs me back, and I can feel his hands shaking. He’s so thin.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
He draws back, eyes dark and weary. His face is a mask of grief, new lines written on the ones that came from smiling. “I can’t promise anything. Shane probably hates me, and he’s right to. I don’t know if he’ll agree to live with me, even to come back here. But … I’m trying.”
“That’s all anyone can do.”
Before I can get myself together enough to ask for Shane’s contact info, his dad’s gone, driving his sputtering car away and down the road. Lila and Ryan surround me then, both talking at once. I’m kicking myself; that was so sudden, so fast, that I didn’t find out anything I really need to know. I wonder if he’s staying at the trailer? Probably not, Shane’s two hours away. I fill the others in on the latest while I make popcorn.
Lila seems excited. “That’s great news. Shane could be home soon!”
But honestly, I feel better about this for Shane than for me, because it means his dad’s finally waking up from a long sleep. He cares enough to fight. I believe Shane will be back, maybe not until July, but I don’t think he’d leave me forever without saying good-bye. Whatever it is, there’s a reason for his silence. I remember how he said that while he can’t promise we’ll be always together, he wants me in his life. He promised me silly texts and video chats, and I believe in him.
I believe.
And so while Ryan is goofing with Lila, I picture Shane’s face and smile.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Prom is in three weeks.
At the start of the year, it never occurred to me that I might go. Then, after I got together with Shane, I pictured myself in a pretty dress and him in a tuxedo. Even in my head, my weirdness about cars made it a little complicated to imagine how we’d get there because it seems unlikely that biking would work in formal wear. I walk past the girls selling tickets at the table; it’s decorated in keeping with this year’s theme, which is Sparkle and Shine. This means they’ve papered it and covered that with glitter and hung silver ribbons that flutter when people pass by.
“You should buy some tickets,” Lila says.