Chapter 30
I didn’t even have to hear his answer. His expression said it all.
“Why!?” I cried. “Why would you do that?!”
It took him a second to respond. “Why would you think your memory has been erased?”
“For two reasons,” I said, my voice shaking uncontrollably with anger. “First, because I’m almost certain the little girl in the vision was me.”
His bright green eyes widened. “What! It was you?”
I let out a derisive laugh. “Oh, like you didn’t know that already.”
“I didn’t,” he said. “I swear. But why do you think it was you?”
“Because of her eyes…they were violet. And if the little girl is me, then I’m pretty sure the woman that was forced to go to The Underworld is my mother.”
He swallowed hard. “Gemma, I don’t even know what to say? I am a little confused as to why this would make you think your memory was erased.”
“Because of my second reason.” I couldn’t believe I was going to tell him this. I mean, I wanted to have some secrets of my own. But in order to explain everything clearly, I needed to tell him. “Do you remember when I was looking through the telescope back at the field trip, and I suddenly ran off?”
“And I found you crying on the bus,” he said, nodding.
“Well, the reason I ran off is because, while I was looking through the telescope, I went into something similar to a vision. Although I had no idea at the time what the heck was going on. But anyway, I ended up out in this field. There was a little girl and a woman there, and both of their faces were blurred out.”
He stared at me impassively, but I caught his Adams apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed hard. “So what happened?”
“Nothing really. They just stared up at the stars for awhile, talking.”
“And you don’t know who they are.”
“Well, the mom had called the girl Gemma, which puzzled me because, if she was me, then why couldn’t I remember the scene from own memories. I mean, I know I’d have been only like four at the time, but still…you’d think I’d be able to remember something. And I also thought the same thing when Laylen told me I was four when I left my mother. How could I have been four yet not be able to remember a single thing about her?” I paused, taking in a deep breath. “And then on my way back from correcting the vision, something suddenly clicked, and I knew that the mother and daughter in the field, and the mother and the daughter by the lake, were me and my mother. It was like my mind had suddenly been able to retrieve some of my lost memories or something.”
He looked like he was truly struggling to stay calm. “I still don’t understand why this would make you think your memory has been erased. Sometimes people just forget things.”
I shook my head. “No. This is different. I can feel it. I know there’s got to be more to it than that. I mean, I can barely remember anything about my life at all.”
“Gemma, I really think that—”
I threw my hands in the air exasperatedly. “Just tell me. Has my memory ever been erased?”
He shook his head. “No. Your memory has never been erased.”
“You’re lying!” I yelled. “I know you are. There’s no way I could forget her.” And now I was crying. But honestly, I really didn’t care. There was too much agonizing pain inside me to care.
“Gemma, please just sit down for a minute and hear me out,” Alex said in the shakiest voice I’d ever heard come out of his mouth.
“No!” I cried. “I’m not doing anything else that you tell me to do. I’ll never listen to you again!”
He rubbed his forehead, looking tense. “If you’ll sit down and listen to me, then I’ll try to explain everything the best that I can.”
“Yeah right.” I sniffled. “You’re like the mastermind of lying.”
He pressed his lips together, trying really hard not to laugh at my remark. “I know I’ve lied to you a lot, but this time I won’t. I promise.”
I stared at him through tear-drenched eyes, searching his face for signs that he was lying. He looked so sincere it was almost startling.
“You promise.” I sniffed. “You’ll tell me the truth?”
He gave a slow, reluctant nod. “But I have to warn you that what I’m going to say is way worse then what you’re imagining.”
I wiped the tears from my face with the sleeve of my shirt and sank down on the couch. “It doesn’t matter. I still want to hear it.”
He sank down on the couch beside me, slipped off his baseball hat, and dragged his fingers tautly through his hair. “I don’t even know where to begin. No matter where I start, it’s going to sound really bad.”
I liked that he was nervous. He was usually so calm, cool, and collected—he was usually lying. So nervous was a good sign he was telling the truth…I hoped, anyway. “Start anywhere, then. If it’s all bad, then what does it matter?”
He contemplated this for a moment. “Okay, so you remember the prophecy I told you about, right?”
I sighed. “How could I forget it?”
“Well, I left out a few parts of that story. See, while Stephan was trying to figure out a way to keep the prophecy from happening, your mother had just disa—or if what you say is correct, was thrown into The Underworld.” He paused, gazing off, lost in thought. “You were extremely emotional. Crying all the time.”
“I’d just lost my mother,” I pointed out, annoyed. “Of course I was emotional.”
“Yeah, I know. And I’m not saying that it wasn’t understandable, I’m just trying to explain why Stephan did what he did.” He shifted uneasily in the chair. “A lot of Keepers are born with gifts. There are a lot of different kinds, some more useful than others. The one Sophia has is called unus quisnam aufero animus. Or one who removes the soul.”
“One who removes the soul,” I repeated, my eyes widening. “You took my soul! Are you freaking kidding me?!” I leapt up from the couch, my adrenaline pulsating into overdrive. He was so right. It was way worse. At least the stars energy could be construed as adding to a persons’ life. But taking away a soul—it was like ripping away the very essence of being human.
My legs wobbled and the room swayed. I grasped onto the edge of the coffee table, gasping for air. Was this what a panic attack felt like?
Alex got up and placed his hand on my back. “Gemma, calm down and listen to me. That’s not what I am saying.”
I tried to shake off his hand, but he held it steadily in place.
“Get—away—from—me,” I gasped between shallow breaths.
“No, I won’t get away from you. You need to listen to me. We didn’t take your soul away.”
“Huh?” I let go of the table and stood up straight. Alex’s hand fell off my back. “Then what did you do to me?”
“I’ll tell you, but let me finish before you start freaking out, okay?”
I nodded, but it still didn’t mean that I wouldn’t freak out. In fact, I wasn’t even sure I had any control over my reactions at the moment.
“So like I told you a few times, we didn’t take your soul. Unus quisnam aufero animus is mostly used as a form of punishment. But in your case, we weren’t trying to punish you or anything. You were just a little girl and Jocelyn’s daughter. So instead of taking your soul, Sophia did something a little less severe. She detached you soul from your emotions. And since emotions have such a huge connection with memories, it made it so you couldn’t remember anything about your past.”
An annoying buzzing noise had developed inside my head. Alex watched me closely, waiting for me to react. But all I could focus on was the humming. Had a family of bees suddenly taken up camp in there or something? Or was I just in shock?
“Gemma.” Alex’s tone was cautious. “Do you want me to continue? Or do you need a break?”
“What?” I blinked and shook my head. “No, you can go on.”
“Are you sure, because I can give you a break?”
“No,” I said determinedly. “I want to hear the rest.”
It seemed like he didn’t want to tell me, but went on anyway.
“After Sophia detached your soul, she and Marco took you to Afton to keep you hidden from the Death Walkers. There was something about the snow that made it difficult to track the stars energy. I think the cold might reduce the heat the energy produces or something, but I’m not exactly sure.”
“Maybe that’s why I hate the cold so much.” I joked in an eerily humorless tone. God, I sounded as dead and hollow as the Death Walkers looked.
He gave me a small smile. “Perhaps. But that’s not really the point I was trying to make. The point is your soul is still there, along with your memories. You just can’t connect with either of them. Or couldn’t I guess I should say.”
He gave me a look that made may skin feel hot and fiery, and it wasn’t just the electricity. No, this was something else. Something more. The prickle on the back of my neck was confirming that. I hadn’t felt the prickle in awhile, and I wondered if somehow my soul was trying to reconnect with me.
Or maybe I was just hoping.
I had to slow my breathing down before I spoke. “So why did I all of a sudden start to feel again?” I asked.
“No one really knows the answer to that.” He shut his eyes and massaged his temples. “Sophia tried to detach it again, but it didn’t work.”
Breath, I told myself. “What do you mean she tried to do it again? When?”
He opened his eyes back up. “She tried it a few months ago, after you started showing signs of feeling emotions. You don’t remember because she did it while you were asleep.”
No wonder I have nightmares. Imagine some old lady sneaking into your room late at night and trying to detach your soul. You’d probably have nightmares too.
“So what do they plan on doing to me now that it didn’t work?” I snapped. “Lock me away somewhere and throw away the key?”
“No,” he said, avoiding eye contact with me.
“Then what? Tell me. What are they going to do?”
There was a hint of pity in his bright green eyes. “There’s someone else with the same gift as Sophia that’s headed here right now. He’s supposed to be more powerful than Sophia, and Stephan seems convinced it’ll work.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Well, I actually could, considering all the other crap I’d been told over the last few days, but…“Why?”
His eyebrows dipped down. “Why what?”
“Why didn’t you guys have this detaching soul person detach my soul sooner? I’ve been feeling for a few months now? Why wait and let it get worse.”
“Because,” he faltered, “they couldn’t find the guy. I guess on the night of the fieldtrip, Stephan finally found him. That’s why we couldn’t get a hold of them. They’d gone to pick up this man.”
No wonder Alex had gotten out of the Jeep to talk to Stephan. He didn’t want me to hear any of this. “I-I can’t believe this. You guys are so—so—”
“Gemma, you need to calm down,” he said. “You’re freaking out, and I can’t understand what you’re saying.”
“Of course I’m freaking out.” I yelled, clenching my hands into fists as I jumped to my feet. “You just told me that I have to go back to being Hollow Zombie Girl.”
I’m not sure how he’d expected me to react, but by the look of shock on his face, I was guessing he’d probably anticipated a more mellow reaction.
But I don’t know why.
I started to back away from the couch. “I won’t do it. There’s no way. I can’t go back to being like that. Ever.”
“You don’t have a choice,” he said, getting to his feet. “This isn’t just about you. It’s about the safety of the world and everyone in it. Do you want to be responsible for people dying?”
“No,” I said, sidestepping around the coffee table. “But how do you expect me to just let them detach my soul and take away everything. Do you know what it was like living that way for—for—I don’t even know how long it was because time felt nonexistent. Every single day was nothing. There was no point in even waking up. Yet I did, every single day. And even though my emotions were gone, it was still torture. And it’s going to be worse now because I've experienced what it’s like to feel things and be human. You guys may think it’s okay to do it, but it’s not. Yes, it may have to be done to save the world, but it’s still horrible because, aside from what you guys may think, I’m not just something carry around a star inside me. I’m human too. Or at least part human.”
Okay, that was by far the biggest speech I’ve ever made. It ran me out of breath, it took so long.
“I know your human,” he snapped. “You don’t think I understand how wrong it is. Do you know how much I wished there was another way to fix it?”
“That’s such a load of crap,” I said, my voice hot with anger. “You’ve hated me since the first day we’ve met.”
“I’ve never hated you.” His voice had softened. “Not once.”
I glared at him. “You are such a liar.”
He grabbed me by the arm and reeled me to him, crashing me into his chest. “I’ve never hated you.”
I had to remind myself to breath. Every part of my body felt hot and electric, and my head was spinning.
“Well, it’s good to see that you’re wrist is feeling better,” he said.
“Yeah…” It felt so nice when he touched me.
“Just forget about everything for a minute,” he whispered.
Maybe I could…forget about…everything.
His eyelids drifted shut as he leaned in to kiss me.
That slapped me back to reality. “Forget about everything.” I yanked my arm away from him and shoved him back. “What is this? Are you trying to distract me or something?”
“No.” He looked stunned, but like I’ve said before, he is an expert liar. He stepped toward me. “Gemma, that’s not what I—”
I backed away from him. “Stay away from me.”
He kept coming at me. “I’m not—”
“Stay away from me!” I cried and took off in a mad sprint down the hall.
I wasn’t sure if he followed me or not. I never checked. I stormed into the room that held my bag and locked the door. Then I threw myself on the bed and cried and cried and cried until I ran out of tears.