Chapter Thirty-Three
She has absolutely no idea what she does to me… She’s my medicine, my cure, my everything. If only hearts could heal that way —through someone else’s beating.
Weston
“There you go.” I helped her down the first stair into the giant pool. It was one of those infinity ones; at first glance it looked like the pool ran directly into the Sound instead of off a nice little cliff leading to the hot tub.
“It’s warm.” Kiersten splashed her feet a bit and looked up at me, the brightest, sexiest smile I’d ever seen on her lips. It was hopeful and completely trusting in me, and in us. I should have told her then. Told her that I wasn’t the hero she thought I was. Nah, I was keeping something epic from her, which sort of made me the villain in this tale. But damn, I wanted to be the hero. Gabe’s words haunted me.
“Don’t tell her.” His damn voice blared in my head, reminding me that I needed to let her make her own decisions, that when the ball did drop, I allowed it to stay in her court, not mine.
“Do yourself a favor. Let her be the one to make that choice in the end, not you.”
Kiersten wasn’t like other girls; she probably wouldn’t run away from me. No, she’d cling. She’d make me feel worse about my future, and in the end she’d hate me for taking away her choice. I didn’t—
“Wes?” Kiersten’s hand cupped my cheek. “Where’d you go?”
“Sorry. Thinking.” I offered her a grin and stepped down to the second stair. “Alright, keep going.”
Kiersten’s hand tensed in mine but she stepped down.
“See?” I splashed some of the water with my hand. “No big deal, super easy. The water’s nice.”
“Nice,” she repeated with her teeth chattering. “Right, it’s nice.” She took the final stair, bringing the water level to her waist. Damn, she looked good in that suit. So maybe some of my past was coming back to haunt me. I was acting like a selfish ass, but I’d been wondering for weeks what she’d look like in a bathing suit. I’d wanted to see every inch of that glowing skin. I’d wanted to watch the sunlight reflect off her hair.
Couldn’t a dying man at least have one last wish? Even prisoners on Death Row were given a last meal — she was mine.
“Come on.” I swam backward and let the water wash over my chest. It was comfortably heated at ninety degrees, almost like a giant hot tub.
With a curse, Kiersten walked toward me, the water rising to her breasts. I knew I was acting like a complete guy, but I stared, and then was suddenly so jealous of the water touching her in spots I never could, that I swore and looked away.
“Wes?” Kiersten reached out and grabbed my arm. “I’m freaked, and like I said, I want to get this done as fast as possible.”
“Ah, stop saying that, you’ll hurt my ego.”
“Fine.” Her teeth chattered some more. “I’m excited—” She looked like she was walking to her death. “—to get started, so can we, just… swim?”
“Sure.” I grinned. “First lesson…”
“What?”
“Float.”
“I can’t.”
“Everyone floats.”
“I don’t know how.”
I sighed and looked into her eyes. “Do you trust me?”
She nodded slowly.
“Okay, then lean back. Feel my hand? I won’t let you drown, and it’s not deep enough for that to happen in the first place, lean back and relax, think about something happy.”
“I’m too terrified to think.” Her body was stiff as a board as she leaned against my hand and began to float.
“Think about kissing.” My hands moved from her back to her butt as I held her body in a plank position. “Think about my hands running slowly over your body until all you can do is think about what I’m going to do next.”
“What are you going to do next?” Her voice was quieter, her breathing labored as she lay in my arms, trusting me.
“I’m going to devour you with my eyes. I’m going to look at every inch of skin, memorize it, store it in the little box in my head labeled the most beautiful girl in the world. I’m going to hold you until you’re ready for me to let go, and then, when you float on your own, I’m going to keep staring, keep wanting, keep desiring, until I have to go jump into the Sound.”
Her body went limp against my arms.
I let go.
She didn’t move, just continued to float. “Just warn me when you let go.”
“Okay.” I laughed. “I’m going to let go, alright?”
She tensed and already began to sink as her body folded in half. I grabbed her before she did sink and pulled her into my arms. “Your first lesson is in fear.”
“Huh?” Her hands were pressed against my chest.
“You were floating on your own for around fifteen seconds before I told you I was going to let go. The minute I said I was going to let go, you braced yourself for sinking — your mind failed, therefore your body failed.”
Kiersten made a face and looked away. “So basically I sabotaged myself.”
“Basically.” I grinned, loving how she was holding her bottom lip hostage between her teeth. “You can’t go into things with the mindset of already failing. Being fearful isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”
“Right.” She clenched her eyes shut and crossed her arms. “I get what you’re saying, I just don’t know how to control it. Every time I see the water or a pool I start to shake. I freak, thinking the same thing’s going to happen to me that happened to my parents. Yes, I know it’s illogical, but the fear is still there.”
“Fear…” I uncrossed her arms and linked my fingers with hers. “Is what makes us feel alive. Fear causes our blood vessels to constrict, and then the amygdala, a tiny almond shaped part of our brain, sends signals to our nervous system. The signal says run or fight.”
“I say run.” Kiersten laughed humorlessly.
“Right.” I tugged her closer to my body. “That’s how we keep ourselves from getting eaten by wild animals We need a fight or flight system in our body. I mean, can you imagine living in a world without fear?”
“We’d all die.”
“Exactly.” I chuckled. “People would be jumping off buildings thinking they could fly, so like I said fear isn’t a bad thing.”
“Wait.” She tried to push against my chest as I pulled her into the deep end with me. “What are you doing? I can’t swim, remember?”
“I know,” I whispered. “But I can.”
“But—”
I ignored her. “Fear can be your ally. You can do something afraid.”
“Do something afraid?”
“Yes.” I swam until my legs burned, holding her up in my arms. “For example, I may be afraid of kissing you or afraid of losing you. I may be afraid that when I close my eyes you won’t be here in my arms anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to hold on to you for dear life. I’m living proof that living afraid — is the way to go. You push forward, you fight the demons, you keep moving. Fear tries to paralyze you, to keep you from moving. It stops success, it stops progress — when you do things afraid, you’re still accomplishing your goals, only you’re doing it knowing that you are truly conquering the Everest in your life. So your parents died.” I flinched. I hadn’t meant to sound so blunt. But I pushed on. “So you could die too.”
Her sharp intake of breath nearly made me release her as she fought against me.
“You could die crossing the street.”
Kiersten still fought me.
“You could choke on that bad ass turkey Melda’s making.”
Tears began to form in her eyes.
“You can let your fears control you, or you can control your fears. Never for one second believe the lie that you don’t have a choice.”
Kiersten shook in my arms, her fingers digging into my biceps like little nails getting pounded into my flesh. “What about you?” she asked in a fear-stricken voice. “What are you afraid of? What’s your biggest fear?”
I should have looked away.
I should have lied.
I should have done a lot of things other than what I did.
“Dying without really living. Leaving this world knowing that the girl who makes me want to live the most — will have to do it without me.”
Her eyes widened. “That’s a bit heavy.”
“Hey, it could be worse. I could be afraid of the water.”
“Ass.” She laughed and slowly started unclenching her hands from my arm.
“Move your legs,” I urged. “Swimming is instinctual, just move them and allow your hands to keep your head afloat.” I showed her how to tread water and then released her body from my grip.
“I’m not sinking!” she yelled and splashed around. “I’m not sinking!” Within two seconds she was plastered against me.
“Okay.” I choked as her arms wrapped around my neck. “But now I’m sinking.”
“Oh.” She pulled back and gripped the side of the pool with her hands. “That was—”
“—a total rush. Holy shit, it’s almost like we’re out here getting high.” My eyes widened in excitement.
“Thank you, Wes.” Damn, but I would never tire from those breathless lips as they said my name. “Thank you for not thinking I’m crazy.”
“Ah, we’re all a bit crazy, don’t you think?”
“Yeah.” She sighed. “Especially us.”
“I’m going to kiss you now,” I warned as my mouth collided with hers. Our tongues twisted, and I pulled her back into the water with me, floating backward as her legs wrapped around my waist. My body flared to life as her breasts pressed against my chest. Groaning in frustration, I reached for the string of her swimsuit, telling myself it was okay to be the guy I used to be, the guy that would screw her brains out without a second thought.
But I hesitated. My hand hovered over the strings as if my fingers had forgotten how to pull loose a girl’s swimsuit with one hand.
“Wes?” My dad called. “You guys out here?”
I cursed and gently pushed Kiersten away, linking my hands with hers as I yelled back. “In the pool.”
He rounded the corner and smiled, understanding washed over his face. “I, uh, hope I’m not interrupting anything.”
“Not at all,” I said too quickly.
“Right.” He chuckled. “Um, I need to talk to you about something, Wes. The school called and—” He looked behind me to Kiersten. “You know, we can talk later. Why don’t you kids get out and grab some hot coffee. I DVR’d the Thanksgiving Day Parade just in case you’d want to watch it.”
“Yes!” Kiersten shouted from behind me. “I haven’t seen the parade in years!”
“Great.” Dad smiled and gave me that knowing look, the one that said you better not screw this up with your bullshit. I smiled back, the smile every son gives to his father when he wants to remind him that he’s a grown man and not a little kid anymore.
“Let’s go.” I grabbed Kiersten’s hand and kissed it. “We can skinny dip later.”