She looked down, ashamed.
“Jasper, I’m sorry. You know I am. It was a mistake. I don’t know how many times I can apologise.”
“You don’t have to apologise at all. Sorry but you could say it a million times and it’ll change nothing. Now I’ll be there every step of the way. I’ll do everything I can for the baby. I’ll be there and provide, but that’s it.”
“We’re having a child.”
“And we’ll be civil. I’ll push my feelings aside and pretend like every time I look at you it doesn’t feel like being stabbed in the back and we’ll play nice. I want our kid to think we’re friends – and maybe we can be one day.”
“Friends,” she said quietly.
“You can’t be surprised by that, Abby. Shit, you honestly thought I’d take you, didn’t you? Were you even going to tell me?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Don’t give me that cliché bullshit. You must have thought something when you showered between being with him and me.”
I hated when people said that after having an affair. It wasn’t even one night – not that one time would’ve been okay. You didn’t carry on with someone behind your husband or wife’s back without thinking about what you’re doing. When you hide things and lie, you’re thinking alright. No one had a thoughtless affair. No one just falls into the arms of someone else. It was a conscious choice.
“I was ashamed. I still am. Jasper, I love you, and I made a mistake. The attention was flattering at a time where I didn’t feel close to you.”
Copout. “See, that’s what I don’t get. If you felt distant why didn’t you talk to me? I’ve gone out of my way to suggest doing things and spending time together. You’re the one that pulled away so don’t blame me for that.”
“I’m not blaming you.”
“Sounds like you are. We’ve always been able to talk. I’ve told you things no one else knows. You’re the only one I’ve talked about Max to. After that night in the car where I broke down a month after the trial, I thought we could discuss anything. That was my lowest point, up until now, and you were there. You were the only one I could talk to. It was all you, Abby.”
I turned my head and saw her close her eyes. A single tear slid down her face. “Why am I not someone you can talk to?” I asked.
“Telling your husband you’re feeling lost and distant isn’t an easy conversation to have.”
“Spilling your feelings about your father ripping apart your family and allowing his friend to rape his daughter wasn’t an easy conversation either. I trusted you above everyone else.”
She flinched.
I rubbed the spot above my eyebrows where I was getting a headache.
“This is getting so off topic now.”
We couldn’t even talk for more than five minutes without it turning into an argument so how the hell were we going to raise a child together?
“We need to not be around each other right now,” I said. “Let’s talk tomorrow when we’ve both calmed down and won’t say things we may or may not regret,” I said.
“Fine,” she huffed. “Call me when you’re ready. I love you, Jasper.”
I watched her leave, filled with love, hate, anger and excitement all rolled into one. I started to feel panic building inside. I wanted my baby, but I didn’t want it to be with Abby.
Oakley opened the door. “You okay?” she asked, stepping to the side to let me in.
“Um. Is Everleigh here?”
“She’s with Cole’s parents making cookies with Leona, why?” Christ she had a better social life than me.
“I need to talk to you and don’t want her to hear.”
“Okay, come through to the kitchen. Cole’s making coffee. You okay to talk with him there too, or do you want to go out?”
“It’s fine.”
I walked into the kitchen, and Cole turned around. “Hey, man, you okay?”
“I think so,” I replied. “You?”
He nodded. “What’s up? Coffee?”
“Yeah, thanks. And what’s up is that Abby’s pregnant.”
I didn’t have to turn around to know Oakley’s jaw probably hit the floor.
“She’s pregnant?”
“Yep,” I said and sat down.
“Err, forgive me for asking…” Cole said.
“Yep, it’s mine,” I replied. “And I had to ask too so don’t worry.”
Oakley sat down.
“Wow,” she whispered. “I did not see that coming.”
I laughed. “You’re not the only one.”
“Coffee or whisky?” Cole asked.
“I want whisky, but I should have coffee.”
“So what are you going to do? Has she decided?”
I frowned. “She’s keeping the baby.”
God I don’t know what I would have done if she wasn’t. It would kill me.
“We’ve got to bring a kid up together, and I don’t know how to stop loving and hating her. I need to be neutral. How do I get my feelings for her to just caring about the mother of my child.”