Chapter Thirty-Nine
AS I LEAVE THE ABBESS’S chambers, I feel as if I have been shrouded in a thick mist that prevents my thoughts from taking shape. It is as if someone has reached inside my chest and yanked my very self from my body. Or as if, with her words, the abbess created one loose thread, which she then used to unravel my entire soul.
I was not fathered by Mortain.
I bear not a single drop of His blood.
I was not born to serve Him, have received none of His gifts. Have, in fact, been an impostor on such a massive scale it is hard, even now, to grasp the fullness of it.
My mother never lay with Death, never welcomed Him into her life, except when she needed a refuge, a safe place to hide from the world. And she has pulled me, unwitting and unwilling, into the duplicity with her.
Even worse, she tried to have me commit patricide. For of all the crimes she has committed, surely that one is the most vile. I could have killed my own father and never even known it.
Of course, that was the abbess’s intent. It is easy enough to see that now, with the benefit of hindsight. One quick strike, and the only person from her past who could expose her secrets would be silenced forever.
Without thinking about it, I find my feet leading me toward the back of the palace, then outside and down two long, winding flights of stairs until I find myself at the door behind which my true father sits, awaiting his judgment.
The lone guard considers asking me what my business is, but when he takes one look at my face, his mouth snaps shut. He, at least, does not yet know I was not sired by Mortain.
There is a single torch outside Crunard’s cell, the light cast by its oily flames feeble against the thick darkness of the dungeon. I move as silently as a shadow to him, then lean back against the wall to watch him unobserved. Although I make no sound, he lifts his head and sees me. Slowly, he straightens, his eyes meeting mine.
“You knew, didn’t you?” I ask.
He tilts his head. “I suspected, which is very different from knowing.”
“Did you suspect from the very beginning, when I first showed up in Guérande?”
“No. Then I knew only that you had been sent to silence me. It wasn’t until we were on the road the next day and I saw you in broad daylight that I noticed the similarities between you and the abbess.”
I hold his gaze, unflinching. “And did you also know then that you were my sire?” I cannot call this stranger father.
His entire body stills. Indeed, it does not look as if he is even breathing. And then something in his face shifts and he smiles, surprising me. “You are my daughter. Well, I had wondered. Your abbess was a virgin when she and I knew each other, and your age seemed about right.”
He stares at me with such a painful mixture of warmth and hope that I cross my arms, as if by that gesture I can ward off his affection. “You will forgive me if I do not greet the news quite as warmly. All my life I have been laboring under the assumption that I was sired by a god. To learn instead that I was sired by one of the kingdom’s greatest traitors brings me little joy.”
He shrugs. “And you will forgive me if I seem overzealous, but I have sat in the dungeons of Guérande for over three months now under the assumption that the very last of my children had been killed. To find that I have another is an unexpected mercy I never dared dream of. Even if she did try to kill me.”
And then it hits me. Not only do I now have a human father—but I once had an entire family. The thought brings a surprising twist of pain with it—that I learned this only after they were all dead is yet one more thing the abbess has stolen from me. “Why did she want you dead?”
The sly look is back on his face before I have finished my question. Clearly, any affection he may feel for his daughter will not be at the expense of his own hide. “To cover up her crimes, of course.”
“And what crimes would those be?”
“The crimes of not being a daughter of Mortain. Of having deceived not only the convent, but the crown. It is fraud. Surely you realize that. One can only imagine the punishment for such crimes.”
And though his words do nothing more than echo my own thoughts, I know in my heart there is more to it than that. I do not ask the question that hovers on my lips: How come you abandoned her and your unborn child to fend for themselves? Instead, I ask, “How did you come to reconnect with her after all that time had passed?”
His faint chuckle surprised me. “That was purely by accident. As much a shock to me as to her, I assure you. In my position as chancellor to the late duke, I was also his unofficial spymaster and liaison with the convent. Imagine my surprise when I paid them a visit and found my ex-lover posing as abbess.”
His mockery of her—when he had so callously abandoned her—rankles. “She was not posing as abbess. She came by that position through her own efforts and skill.”
“Ah, I admire loyalty in my children. That speaks well of you, Annith.”
I do not care for the sound of my name coming from his lips, nor do I care for the tenderness with which he infuses it. “It is too bad that you were not as loyal to those whose lives you so carelessly used and then discarded,” I say quietly. “Any loyalty I have learned has not come from you.”
My heart heavier than it has ever been, I turn and leave the dungeon.
I have a father. And brothers, though they are all most likely dead. Family.
The realization worms into me as I move through the palace corridors, trying to find my way back to my chamber, a place where I can be alone with my thoughts as the full weight of the abbess’s treachery begins to settle over me.
She stole so much from me. With the choices she made, she took one life and gave me instead . . . an imprisonment. Memories of my early years in the convent fly through my head like a flock of disturbed crows, each one dark and unsettling. All those special sessions with the Dragonette. All those harsh punishments when I failed her tests. And the abbess—Sister Etienne—stood idly by.
No. Honesty forces me to admit that is not precisely true. She often did intervene, when she could. Slipped me bread or cheese when I had been denied supper. Snuck a candle to me so I could light the darkness of my punishment. She was often the one to unlock the door when it was over so she could fuss over me a bit and be certain I was all right.
Oh, how surprised she must have been when her imagined refuge turned into such a series of labors and trials! Her well-laid plans for the two of us collapsing under the weight of the Dragonette’s spiritual ambition.
That thought causes my steps to falter as I realize—fully realize—how very hard that must have been for her. To have the haven she’d sought turn into such a grim reality. One she was just as powerless to alter as she would have been had she remained outside the convent. Her sanctuary where the two of us need never be parted turned into a nightmare.
Is that why she wished me to be seeress? So we would still never need to be parted? How did she envision that future? Did she honestly think she could nudge and shape my visions to suit herself?
Or . . . another motive occurs to me. Perhaps it was her fear for my safety that controlled her actions. Her fear that, since I was not sired by Mortain, I would be vulnerable as I enacted His will in the world. Or mayhap she was concerned for my immortal soul.
But it matters not, for what she did was wrong. Doubly so when she sacrificed others such as Sybella and Matelaine to keep me safe. She is not the injured one here, no matter how she might try to present herself thus.
The closer I get to my chambers, the more I realize that I am unable to face Ismae and Sybella in my current state, and my feet change course, taking the next passageway out of the main corridor. Because I am tempted to hang my head in shame at the lie I have been a part of, I force myself to hold it high and squarely meet the glances of any of the passing nobles or courtiers who look at me. They do not know. Not yet.
But they will soon enough.
I cannot fathom how I am to exist in this world without my role as Death’s handmaiden to give shape and purpose to my life. I feel as useless and unformed as wine without a cup.
And when it is learned who my father is? I may well be tossed into the dungeon beside him.
No. Ismae would not let that happen. She would tell them that I had no knowledge of any of this. But will they believe her?
The pain of it all twists inside me so that I must stop and grip the wall for support. And yet, even through the mists of the pain, I have to look down to be certain my legs are still attached to my body, for I can scarcely feel them any longer.
I force myself to resume walking—faster—as if I can escape the awareness the abbess has handed me. Before long, I find myself standing at the foot of the stairs that lead to the battlements, drawn there, just as those metal shavings found themselves drawn to the lodestone.
Yes, the pain inside me howls. Go to Balthazaar. He has lived with a similar pain for hundreds of years. Surely he will know what to do with it.
With no one to see, I lift my skirts and take the stairs two at a time, welcoming the strain it causes in my legs. When I reach the top, I am breathless and trembling, but that has nothing to do with my climb. I step outside into the cold, not surprised to see that night has fallen. Indeed, it feels as if entire lifetimes have passed in the space of the last hour.
Every single thing I have ever believed about my life is naught but a lie. That thought writhes through my mind—through my entire body—like a serpent. Nothing, not one thing is true. The girls I have called sisters all my life are not of my blood. Not even Ismae and Sybella. I am not the first and most skilled among a special cadre of His chosen handmaidens, but some blatant impostor slipped into His nest while He was not looking.
Every prayer I have ever uttered to Him rears up in my mind, filling me with mortification. Shying away from the pain of that, I search the shadows that pool along the stone walls. Anger begins to simmer through me when I do not see him, and I focus on that rather than my despair. The one time I wish him to be here, he is not. I want to put my head back and roar out a demand that he appear, but even in my current state, I cannot bring myself to be that bold. Instead, I begin walking along the length of the battlement in the opposite direction of the sentries. “Balthazaar?” I whisper into the darkness.
When there is no answer, I continue down to the farthest corner, where the catwalk disappears into a guard tower. I turn and look out over the battlements to the city below. I long to pray, but I no longer even know to whom I should direct my prayers. Salonius, the god of mistakes, perhaps?
There is a faint whisper of sound behind me. My heart lifts in hope as I whirl around, and there he is. “You came.”
“I have always been here,” he says. “Waiting.”
My spirits rise at the faint goading in his voice. I fold my arms and take three steps toward him. “Well, you need wait no longer. Here I am.” Then I reach out, put my hands against his chest, and shove. Caught off-guard, he stumbles. I push again, and again, until he is up against the wall. He looks down at me, his face a mask of confusion.
“You’ve wanted me since the night when you first happened upon me. Well, now I am giving myself to you.” I have denied myself so much in the belief that I owed my life to others, but that belief is gone now. If I am nothing other than the most ordinary of mortals, then I may as well roll in the full slop of life.
I want Balthazaar’s arms around me, his lips upon mine. I want to feel something other than this howling nothingness that screams through my soul.
I reach up and wrap my arms around Balthazaar’s neck, rise up on my toes, then plant my lips on his. Or try to.
“Wait.” He pulls away, staring down at me as if I have sprouted antlers. “What is it you want?”
I stare at him steadily. “You. Me. Entwined.” I want him to make me forget. Make me remember. Make me feel extraordinary in this new, mortal way that is all that is left to me.
When he continues to hesitate, I grow incensed. How dare he change his mind now, when I have decided this is what I want? “But if you are not man enough, there are thousands of soldiers wandering the city. I’m sure one of them will oblige.” I turn to leave, holding my breath to see if he will let me go, exalting when he reaches out and grabs my arm. He spins me around so that my back is against the wall. He is angry now. I respond by leaning into it, by letting his fury ignite my own and using it to warm the chill at the very heart of my being.
“Something’s changed you.”
“Yes.” Something has changed me, but it has also freed me. I feel a frantic bubble of laughter rising in my throat. I have always felt torn in two by my opposing desires—to live my own life, or to serve Mortain as He wills it. Well, I have only my own life to live now. And what I want—in this moment—is to feel. I want to feel something new and forbidden. I want to feel powerful in some way—as I do when Balthazaar looks at me with heat in his eyes. I want to feel the full force of that heat on my lips, my hands, my entire body. I reach for him again and this time he does not stop me. Slowly, I bring my lips up to his.
“I do not want to take you against the wall.” His lips brush against mine with each word, his gaze boring into me as if plumbing my depths to see what is hidden there.
“But I want to be taken against the wall.” I nibble at his lips in the same way I would a sweetmeat. I welcome the bite and chafe of the rough stone against my back.
“You’re angry . . .”
“It’s nothing to do with you.”
“But what if you regret this?”
I pull far enough away that I can glare at him. “For a spawn of the Underworld, you have far too much honor.”
He does not look away but instead waits patiently for my answer.
I sigh. “Trust me, on the long list of regrets I might have, this would be near the bottom.” To convince him, I begin unlacing my gown.
He grabs my hands to still them, but this time he pulls me away from the wall. With my hands still wrapped in his, he leads me down the battlement.
As we draw out of the shadows, I am tempted to keep my head down in case one of the sentries should see us. Except my action shames no one but me, and I am not ashamed of what I am doing. It is perhaps the only thing I am not ashamed of right now. It feels as if it is one of the most honest things I have ever done.
It is comforting, this new knowing where my boundaries lie. Before, it was as if I were still forming, waiting for the edges of my self to fill in. But now I know that this is it. The sum and total of who I am and who I will ever be is already contained within me.
Balthazaar pauses outside a narrow door, listens, then opens it. It is a storage room of sorts, full of extra weapons and unused armor. It is, I think, the perfect place.
He swiftly shuts the door, then pulls me closer. He lifts his hands to my face and cups it, his eyes searching mine. “Are you certain?”
In answer, I put my arms around his neck again and press my entire body along the length of his. “Yes.” The word rings as clear and sharp as a bell, for I am certain of nothing but this. My waiting is over; it is now time to claim the life that I want, even if I must drag it kicking and screaming to a garrison closet.
Then—finally!—he leans down to place his lips on mine.
It is everything I remember. At first, they are surprisingly cool, but within seconds it is as if the heat of my own desire flows into him as he takes what I offer, moving his own mouth so that it completely captures my own. I fall into the kiss, like a stone into a deep pond, sinking deeper and deeper until I am not sure I will ever leave. I let go of everything, everything but the sensations that engulf me.
He has beautiful lips, I realize, running my tongue along the fullness of them. They are shapely and full enough to invite kissing. Best of all, they chase away the taste of bitterness and despair that have threatened to drown me.
The faint rasp of his whiskers. The silky spot of skin my fingers find, just below his ear. His hands, sure and strong, caressing my waist, moving up along my rib cage and then down again to my hip, as if he would memorize the shape of me.
The feel of his heart echoing mine as they both beat too fast.
I step back—just a bit—to give myself room to finish unlacing my gown. I meet his eyes and am thrilled to see no sign of bleakness or despair or grim duty there. They are warm and glowing like sun-warmed stones, and the heat in them causes my heart to race faster and my fingers to falter.
“Here,” he whispers. “Let me.”
And I do.
Afterward, as I lie in his arms, savoring the feel of them around me, savoring the feel of his heart hammering under my hand where it lies upon his chest, I realize that I cannot even pretend our time together was enough. I am more drawn to him than ever, drawn to this meeting of not just our bodies and hearts, but our souls. It is an intimacy that I have hungered for my entire life yet have never been able to name. If I think this is all I will ever have of him, I fear I will weep.
I saw hope in his eyes, and an easing of his bleakness, just as I felt hope in my own heart and no longer felt alone. I promise myself that this is just the beginning. Now that I have no obligation to the convent or the abbess, I can begin to shape the future I want for myself.