Chapter 36
*Mikayla*
It’s not enough that I have to live with, and deal with Jake Andrews.
Now I have to deal with college Jake Andrews.
And this Jake Andrews, is a whole other level I didn’t even know existed.
The hype of him being here was definitely downplayed by those around me because fuck, he is a big deal.
I can’t go anywhere with him without being stopped every two minutes.
Everyone wants a piece of him, and I mean everyone.
I thought that Marisa chick was hot, she’s nothing compared to the women here. And I say women because that’s what they are, women, older, and more experienced.
From the few college parties I’ve experienced since being here the last couple of weeks, I know he can have any girl here.
Which is why, I choose not to go to many parties at all.
I’m still that frumpy, stupid, jealous, insecure little girl I was at that hotel.
In our home, he’s my Jake, and I’m his Kayla.
We hug and hold hands, and talk and laugh.
We still never kiss, and we’ve never taken it further than innocent touching.
As fucking hard as it is, we have held back.
The minute we step out of those doors, it’s like I shut down. Because I don’t want to be known as the girl that hangs around Jake Andrews, the one he saved one tragic night. The one he cared for when no one else did.
I don’t want to be the girl the other girls see as competition, because I’ve been that girl, with James, and with Megan, and there are way too many fucking Megan’s in college. Only this time it would hurt so much more. Because how I feel for Jake, when I let myself feel it, is a thousand times heavier than what I felt for James. Which means the heartbreak will hurt a thousand times more, and I don’t think my heart can handle any more pain.
So out there, in the real world, I don’t let myself feel it, the love I have for him. Because I really, truly, deeply love him.
And I’m scared. So fucking scared. That I won’t be enough.
And that I’ll never really have him. My Jake.
***
Contrary to how our relationship ended, James has been a good guy. We did plan on going to college together so I see him around campus and catch up with him every now and then. He’s the only one, a piece of my past, that understands and remembers my family the way I want to. He was a big part of my life and for four years, he was part of my family. The sad part is, is that he loved them too. And he felt too guilty to grieve them the way he should have.
Girls ogle James when I’m with him, but it doesn’t bother me. Not even a little. Because truthfully, James is a good looking guy, but only to those eyes have never laid on Jake Fucking Andrews.
***
A few days after we got here, I landed a job at a video store. Yes, those still exist. It’s shit pay, but they work around my schedule and when it’s not busy I get to sit and read and do homework, so it works out perfect. I’m saving the money I earn and can hopefully move out soon, so I can start working on finding who I am without Jake. So that if the time comes, I can give him me. All of it.
***
*Jake*
Every fucking day I have to wake up to her. In her short shorts and tight shirts looking hot as hell in her morning state and her tired Bambi eyes.
Every day she’s here and I can’t have her.
It’s the fucking hardest thing to do, to be around the person you love, with everything you have, and not be able to love them.
I hate college. I hate the never ending pressure to be this hot shot fucking kid. I hate the constant recognition from everyone because I can pitch a decent game. I hate the stupid endless string of college parties I’m pressured to going to and I hate the attention from all the other girls when I only ever want one. And she won’t give it to me.
I hate the stupid classes and the stupid commitments, because they all keep me away from her.
I’m so fucking close to throwing this shit in and just going pro. But I don’t, because I know she wouldn’t follow me.
And none of this shit makes sense without her.
Sometimes I see her and see that scared little girl I saw when we pulled up to her parents house that night. I hate that she ever has to feel like that.
I want to shut out the world around us and have it just be me and her, the way we are behind closed doors. Where no one else can dictate who we are and what we feel. I just want her. I just want my Kayla.
***
Occasionally she’ll have lunch with that asshole, James. I hate it so much because he gives her something that I can’t. He gives her memories of her family, and the times they shared. I hate that he loved them and I never could. I hate they shared moments and I’ll never be able to. I hate that he taught Emily how to ride a bike, and I’ll never even get to meet her. I hate that I’ll never get to ask her dads permission when I propose to her, because I plan to one day. I hate that he’s allowed to miss them and I can’t. I hate that he hurt her.
But I can’t hate him.
Because he bought her to me.
***
She says she still wants to move out, something about finding herself without me. I keep my mouth shut because I know that it’s important to her, but I just don’t get it. I don’t fucking understand why she wants to find herself without me, when I plan on being part of her life. Forever. Because I love her so damn much it hurts.