Love Letters to the Dead

Hannah’s grandpa shook his head at first, like he didn’t understand. “Was there an accident?”


Hannah just looked back at him, tears running down her cheeks. She said, loudly, “It’s okay. I’m going to stay at Natalie’s house for a while. Until it’s time for him to leave, okay? I don’t want you to worry.”

Her grandpa’s face turned pale, and he nodded, bewildered.

“Will you make sure to take care of Buddy and Earl? While I’m gone?”

Her grandpa promised that he would.

After Hannah said bye to him, we went to her room to help her pack. Natalie got to work, folding clothes really carefully into the suitcase. She put the shirts with the shirts and the jeans with the jeans and the soft pants with the soft pants and the lacy tops with the lacy skirts. And every time she found something fragile, like a perfume bottle, she rolled it up into something soft. Sometimes, the smallest gestures take up the most room.

When we were done, we carried Hannah’s suitcase out through the hall. That’s when Jason came in the front door. His eyes flashed from Hannah to Natalie and me.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked.

Hannah flinched. “I’m going to stay at Natalie’s house for a while.”

“Like hell you are. I told you not to see her,” he said, glaring at Natalie.

Hannah’s hands were shaking, but her voice steeled itself. “I am. And Natalie’s mom said that if you come anywhere near it, we will get a restraining order.”

Jason’s face turned a little bit pale. “Is that so?” He tried to sound angry, but there was a tinge of fear underneath his voice. “And on what fucking grounds would you do that?”

“On the grounds that you hit me!”

“Oh, come off it. It’s called discipline. Obviously no one else around here is taking care of that with you. Someone’s got to watch out.”

“No, it’s called abuse. You’re lucky I didn’t tell the cops.”

Jason stared at her, disbelieving.

“I know you’re pissed off at the world,” Hannah said, “but you can’t just go around yelling and being a jerk. And you can’t take it out on me anymore.”

“So you’re just taking off? Just like that?”

“Until you’re gone,” Hannah said. “And if you break a restraining order,” she added, “then it’s a crime, and I bet that will mess up your chances in the Marines.”

Jason’s voice wavered. “Have it your way. I’m going to shower.”

“I won’t see you before you go, then,” Hannah said, more softly now. “Good luck.”

They didn’t hug or touch or anything else. Jason just walked out of the room.

We carried Hannah’s stuff to the car, and she said, “Wait.” Natalie and I followed as she ran to the barn, the little fairy wings still on and flapping behind her, to see Buddy and Earl the donkey. When Buddy came over to greet her, Hannah nuzzled her face against his and kissed his nose. She said, “Don’t worry, Buddy, I’ll be back soon. I promise.” Then she wiped her tears away and turned to us. “Let’s go.”

In the car on the way back, I put on your album, the first one, and as you started shouting Break on through, we rolled down the windows and screamed along, and for a moment we forgot about everything that’s hard and just let ourselves feel what we wanted to, which was free.

Yours,

Laurel




Dear Kurt,

Things have gone sort of back to normal after last week. Hannah’s been staying with Natalie, and we’ve been eating at our table again, Natalie and Hannah trading Capri Suns, and me with my Nutter Butters. Instead of going off campus for lunch, Tristan and Kristen have sometimes been eating with us, too, because they are getting nostalgic about the end of high school, which is only three weeks away. Today was the first day that it was real shorts weather. I wore my cutoffs just above my fingertips that I made at the beginning of the year.

Since the night at the bridge, Sky and I have hung out a little bit at school. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on between us, but one good thing is that he’s not seeing Francesca anymore. And then today, I ran into him in the alley, and he asked me if I’d come over later. It was the first time he’d asked me to go to his house during normal hours. Unfortunately, it was an Aunt Amy night, and I had no idea how I’d get to go. I’ve been avoiding Mom entirely, so asking her to tell Aunt Amy to give me permission was out. And I didn’t feel like making up an elaborate lie. That left only one option—try telling Aunt Amy the truth. She’s been extra nice to me ever since I got upset that night, and I figured I had a shot.

When she picked me up after school, I asked her if we could go get French fries. On the way to Arby’s, I kept opening my mouth, and then closing it again. Finally, after we got through the drive-thru line, Aunt Amy turned to hand me the bag. I took a deep breath and said, “So, there’s this guy…”