Love Letters to the Dead

I shrugged. “I don’t know,” I said.

The guys kept bugging and trying to convince me. Evan said, “Come on, it’s a party.”

Then I heard one of the college guys whisper, “That’s her sister.” I shouldn’t have done it, but that’s when I grabbed the pill and took it, whatever it was, washing it down with the beer.

Soon after, I wasn’t feeling too great. Everything was starting to get fuzzy. Evan was putting his hands on me, on my back and stuff.

He whispered in my ear, “Let’s go somewhere.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I have to find my friends.” So I walked inside, and Evan followed me. As we were trying to make our way through the party, I kept asking, “Where are Natalie and Hannah?” I kept looking at the faces going by, looking for their faces.

I was really dizzy, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I was walking really slowly. Evan kept saying, “Let’s go.”

I said, “Wait,” because I thought maybe I really would throw up. The whole party was dizzy, so many people, too many, all heavy, all sweaty. Finally I found the bathroom, and I guess there was a line, but I skipped it and opened the door, because I was about to be sick. Then I saw them there—Natalie and Hannah.

They were kissing like they couldn’t get close enough. Like they wished they didn’t have bodies to keep them apart. I caught Hannah’s eye before I closed the bathroom door quickly, to hide them. But it was too late. People had started talking. Some guys were already pounding on the door. “Hey, ladies, open up! I want to join the fun!” I walked away, feeling sicker than before. The room was spinning. Finally Evan found me again and I said, “I don’t feel good.”

He said, “It’s okay, come in here. Lie down.”

So I did, because I didn’t know what else to do. The room we went in was dark, with bunk beds, like May and I had when we were kids. I wanted to lie on the top bunk. May always got the top. I told Evan I wanted the top, but he put me on the bottom. I kept saying, “I don’t feel good,” and he kept saying, “It’s okay,” and rubbing me all over. When I tried to sit up, he pushed me back. I was swimming through the thickest fog. Everything that was happening seemed already to have happened before. He was rubbing everywhere, under my clothes. Under my skirt. What he was doing felt all wrong. I said no, but he wouldn’t listen. All I could hear was my heartbeat and the cars outside. Evan kept doing what he was doing, and the cars got so loud, as if I were lying down on the highway. And I thought May would come in one of those cars. She would pick me up and take me away. We were going to the ocean. We were going to drive all the way there together. The waves would come and wash us over and over.

Then I started to hear it, “Heart-Shaped Box.” It seemed as if they were playing it somewhere in the party, but no, maybe you were singing just for me. I couldn’t tell. But I could hear your voice, full of anger. Hey, wait … It woke me up. It’s like you were screaming from inside of me. I pushed Evan as hard as I could, harder than I knew I could, and he fell against the other side of the bed. He looked stunned and put his hand on his head, which had hit the wall.

That’s when Sky came in. He was with Francesca.

When he saw me there, he stepped toward the bed. He said, “Laurel, what’s going on?”

“I don’t feel good” is what I said.

Sky told Evan, “Get the fuck outta here before I kick your teeth in.” I’ve never seen him so mad. Evan got out, fast. Francesca lingered, but Sky turned to her and said, “Could you leave us alone for a minute?”

“Whatever,” she said. “I don’t need this shit.” And she left.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I want to go on the top bunk.”

“You should go home. Where are your friends?”

I started to panic, because I remembered Natalie and Hannah and how I opened the door so that everyone saw them.

“They were kissing.” I tried to fix my skirt, which was pushed up and tangled around my shirt. I was so ashamed that Sky was seeing me this way.

“Come on. I’ll take you home,” he said.

When we walked out, there was a fight. Kasey was screaming at Natalie, “Get out!”

Natalie looked at Hannah with these wild scared eyes, but Hannah’s eyes were down. She whispered, “Come on, Kasey. She’s just a girl. It doesn’t count.”

Hannah was almost hidden behind him. I wanted to help them, but Sky wouldn’t let me stop. When I wouldn’t walk, he picked me up. The worst part was when we passed Jason standing in a corner. I saw what Hannah didn’t want to see. His face was red and his veins were popping out. He was worse than angry.