Love Letters to the Dead

And then it was quiet. We turned up the music and drove down the mountain roads, dark and shiny from March’s melting snow.

The stories change as we get older. Sometimes they don’t make sense anymore. I would like to write a new story, where Hannah just loves Natalie, and May comes back home, and I never tried to be like her but got the whole thing wrong.

Yours,

Laurel




Dear River Phoenix,

There’s this part in Stand by Me where your character tries to convince Gordie that he could be a writer someday. You tell him that it’s like God gave him a special talent and told him to try not to lose it. But, you say, “Kids lose everything unless there’s someone there to look out for them.” That hits me in the heart. It makes me think about everything there is to lose as you grow up. It makes me wonder if there was no one to look out for you. Or if there was and they just turned away for a moment.

I keep having this feeling, hot inside of me, that maybe there was no one to look out for me when I needed them to. It was May who I thought would always do it. But maybe there was no one to look out for her, either.

I think of Mom and the question she asked. “Did she jump?” I told Mom no, but I’ll never know the answer. And I think of the question that Mom didn’t ask, the question in her eyes. Why didn’t you stop her? The question I can’t get out of my mind. Why didn’t you?! I want to ask Mom.

She called tonight. After I’d answered her usual questions about how’s school, et cetera, with my usual one-word answers, she asked, “Is everything okay there?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Are you sure? You never talk to me.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. You’re not even here.”

There was a long silence. Then she said, “I wanted to tell you. I finally went to the ocean yesterday.”

“Yeah?”

“I hadn’t gone since I’d gotten here. It’s almost like I was waiting for you and your sister. But yesterday, I just … I got in my car, and before I knew it I was at the water. It’s like May was pulling me. And it was so beautiful, Laurel. I could almost feel her there.”

I wanted to say, Well, how fucking great for you. Instead I was quiet.

“Maybe you can come out for a visit sometime this summer and we’ll go together.”

All I could think when she said that was that it meant that she wasn’t coming back. Instead of answering her, I blurted out, “Mom, why did you leave?” I wanted her to tell me the truth. If she left because she was mad at me, or because she thought it was my fault, or because I never answered her questions, I wanted her to just say it.

“Your sister’s death shattered my heart, Laurel. Nobody knows what it’s like to lose a child.”

“Dad does.”

Mom didn’t answer.

“Nobody knows what it’s like to lose a sister, either,” I said.

“I know, sweetie. I know—”

“But Dad and I didn’t run away. We stayed together.”

“I know, Laurel. But staying together is not always the best thing when you can’t be good for each other. Everything doesn’t always work out exactly how we want it to.”

“No kidding. Don’t you think by now I’ve figured that out?”

I could hear Mom start to cry.

“No, Mom, please don’t cry. Forget it, okay? It’s fine. I have to go.”

When I hung up, Dad walked in. “Hey, sweetie,” he said. “Are you all right?”

I stared straight ahead and tried to wipe the tears away. “I hate her.”

“No, Laurel, you don’t mean that. I know you’re angry, and that’s okay. But you don’t hate her.”

I shrugged. “I guess.”

I looked at Dad’s shoulders, hunched over, and his face that was fighting to stay neutral. I think he was searching for something more to say, but when he couldn’t find anything, instead he came over and gave me a half nelson, like he used to when I was a kid. I knew this was meant to make me laugh, so I did my best.

You grew up so fast, River. But maybe the little boy who needed someone to protect him never went away. You can be noble and brave and beautiful and still find yourself falling.

Yours,

Laurel




Dear Janis Joplin,