Love Letters to the Dead

It’s the feeling that I am afraid will make Sky go, too, eventually. And it’s the feeling that was with me all night when Tristan and Kristen took us to a senior’s party before they left for their trip. They said it’s a big holiday party that happens every year, where they like to go to watch the straight-edge kids cut lose. It was at a huge house with a Christmas tree and parents who were out of town and spiked eggnog and lots of kids I’d never seen before, some of them from other schools, I guess. Kristen wore a necklace that lit up with mini Christmas lights. She’s the kind of girl who can do stuff like that and make it seem cool, paired with her long tangled hair and her broomstick skirt.

Kristen had hijacked the iPod, and she and Natalie were dancing together and singing “Freedom’s just another word…” at the tops of their lungs. Hannah had brought Kasey along, and the two of them were sitting at the dining room table nearby, doing shots with some other guys. Natalie kept glancing over her shoulder at Hannah as she danced.

I was standing off to the side, thinking of calling Sky. He’d said he was tired and didn’t feel like coming out tonight. I wished I were somewhere with him, instead of there. I was feeling like some kind of strangely shaped balloon whose string he was holding, and if he let go, I’d float off into the ether.

I was thinking about that, how high a balloon could fly before it popped, and what the world would look like from there, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw Janey, my old friend from elementary and middle school. She was with that soccer player she’d been with when I saw her outside the supermarket. I tried to look for somewhere to hide, but it was too late. She’d let go of his hand and was walking over. Her already rosy cheeks were a few shades brighter than usual, and I guessed she’d been drinking.

“Laurel!” she shouted, throwing her arms around me. I looked around to see if anyone had noticed, but Natalie and Kristen were now dancing to “This Is What Makes Us Girls,” and Hannah was licking salt off Kasey’s wrist.

“Hey,” I said, and smiled weakly. “What are you doing here?”

“Same thing you are, I guess,” she replied, her voice turning suddenly curt. Then she added, “Landon’s older brother is friends with the guy who lives here.”

“Is Landon your boyfriend?” I asked, gesturing to the guy I’d seen her with.

“Yeah,” she said.

“That’s cool. He’s cute.”

“It’s so weird,” she said, “that I haven’t even seen you since … I mean, where have you been?”

“I’m sorry. It’s just, you know. I’ve been busy, I guess. With the new school and stuff.”

“So, you’re here with those girls?” she asked, pointing toward Natalie and Hannah, who she’d seen outside the supermarket.

“Yeah.”

“They seem sort of weird.”

“No, they’re actually, I mean, they’re really nice.”

Natalie and Hannah are obviously different from Janey, who now looked like a popular girl through and through, in her red-for-the-holidays minidress and matching headband. Janey stared at them for a minute. Natalie had stopped dancing and walked over to Hannah and Kasey at the table. She took the shot out of Hannah’s hand. Hey! Hannah mouthed. Natalie threw it down and then left and went back to dancing, dancing like if she stopped, she would collapse.

Janey leaned in and said, real soft, “Are they, like, in love or something?”

“Who?” I thought she meant Hannah and Kasey. “Oh, no. He just—I think he makes her feel safe or something.”

“No, them. The girls.”

I was really surprised that Janey had noticed this. I was impressed. They did a good job of covering it up. I think what Janey must have recognized is the look of hurt in Natalie’s eyes when she took the shot. I nodded, slightly. I made a shh finger over my lips. Janey nodded back, like, I get it.

Then she said, “Well, are you going to introduce me?”

“Yeah. Just don’t, um, don’t say anything about my sister or whatever, okay?”

Janey looked back at me, her face falling into a worried frown. Before she could say anything else, I led her over to the table where Hannah was.

“Hey, Hannah,” I said, “this is my friend Janey, from—”

Janey broke in. “From forever. Only she doesn’t talk to me anymore.”

Hannah nodded, studying Janey. “You’re pretty,” she said. “You look like a Disney princess or something.”

I think Hannah meant that as a compliment, but it didn’t quite come out that way. Janey let it roll off. “Thanks,” she replied. “I like your dress.”

Then Janey looked at Kasey next to Hannah, and she looked back at Natalie dancing, and she did something pretty great. She grabbed Hannah’s hand and said, “So, do you want to go dance or what?” and she pulled her away from Kasey and onto the dance floor.

I watched them, Hannah dancing with Natalie and Kristen now, and Janey doing more conservative moves on the edge of the circle. I remembered how actually wonderful Janey is. I felt a pang, watching her bobbing her blond head and remembering how there was a time when there was no secret I couldn’t tell her.

I needed some air, so I went out to the balcony. I was standing there, looking at the tangled fingers of the tree branches reaching for the winter-clear sky, when Tristan came out and lit a cigarette with his giant kitchen lighter.

“Laurel. What are you doing alone out here? Wait, let me guess. You are ‘thinking about things,’” he teased.

“Shut up.” I smiled.